long ass meeting this monday, but what's new?

if i was still in school i'd be pretty pissed, but since i don't have anymore homework so it's all good...

i hope that me being tired even though i took a nap this afternoon isn't a sign that i got mono from my co-worker... no, i didn't kiss her, but today was her first day back after being away for a week... didn't really spend time working with her, but everytime i went into the lab room i felt like her mono-germs were bombarding my face... this is all probably psychosomatic... i mean at one point while working at the clinic i was convinced i had gotten tuberculosis...

i don't really remember my weather science, but today it rained which may have explained why it was so hot last night... i really wish i had someone to play in the rain with... i was just thinking about how much fun it would be to play tag or even basketball in the rain... if i had my doggies with me i would prolly take them out into the rain to play... instead of going out to play i settled for walking slowly from my car to the supermarket while enjoying the spring time deluge... hopefully the rain will keep up until tonight...

it took me nearly a month, but i think i've finally come to terms with being rejected from my almost all my med schools... i tried to deny it at first. then i sought other ways of validating myself. even went as so far as to think of possible career changes in an effort to save myself from my own personal torment of not living up to the high standards i set for myself. this past weekend i dragged myself out of bed to attend a conference held by the UCI school of medicine... they were presenting their reapplicant postbacc program. at first i wasn't going to go... i had gotten in late from clubbing the night previous and i was sore. i figured what were they going to tell me that i didn't already know? but knowing that my own self confidence has led me wrong before i decided to go. i figured what does one lost saturday mean compared to the rest of my career? the conference was extremely small.. only about 19 people in attendance. it wasn't the size that mattered however... it was just listening to the speakers that really got me. for a long time this road to becoming a doctor was a lonely one. all my friends had decided that medicine wasn't for them and i was basically left to my own devices to figure out my life. lwhile everyone else is getting ready to join the real world and getting these awesome jobs with mucho money, i'm here investing thousands of dollars to go to school and investing even more in personal time... listening to these people who had gone through the postbacc program i kept thinking "wow, i thought i was the only one"... phil always asks me why the heck am i in such a hurry to get to med school and become a doctor? now i know it's not a matter of when i get there, but rather how... and the how is strictly up to me. i think i've led myself to believe that there was only one pathway to becoming a doctor... at the moment i'm currently taking path B instead of A... the road less traveled you would say. although not fully content i've definitely gotten my fire back...

making posters for a political cause wouldn't normally make my list of things to do or even things i would remotely enjoy doing, but tonight was just beyond what i could have expected... tonight in the SAAC lounge a bunch of the APSA heads went to it and made a grip load of posters for a campus political slate which we support... the energy and support of everyone was literally amazing... my faith in APSA and everything good it stands for has been restored. had the biggest smile on my face while working with everyone tonight. it's this type of support and fun that needs to be bottled up and shared with other members... it was that very feeling of purpose and belonging which initially got me hooked to APSA..

random thought: i think i'm slowly becoming what i've feared of becoming... the asian urban yuppie... the elite upper middle class who drive around in their BMWs and sleep in their $200 Ralph Lauren sheets... i already shop at j.crew...

work today was pretty much the same with the exception of my trip down to the freezers... we call it the freezer farm because it's this building that is just full of freezers.. all these freezers hold past specimens dating back from the early 90s. i always hate going down there by myself it reminds me too much of a morgue. i think with my active imagination i get scared easily as well. today was day two of retreiving samples. one of the freezers has so much frost that after about 30 minutes of hammering and chipping away i was still only part way through. i felt like i was making an ice sculpture! at one point i pretended i was on a search and rescue mission to save a group of tourist trapped in an alpine snowbank... at first it was easy to move out the frost, but as i moved deeper the frost turned to ice... i tried using the plastic chisel i had with me, but i accidently broke it while trying to hammer it into the ice... eventually i though, the temperature in the freezer began to rise and i had to stop working. looks like i'll be heading back to the farm again tomorrow...

i've said before that i feel like my life is somewhat in limbo... as of now i feel like my life is not only not moving forward but in fact i'm going in reverse... my plans for the future seemed to unraveled while what i had thought was a sure thing at the moment seems not that much closer... maybe this is all just post-graduation self doubt on my part... i think i should go back to swimming again... i started swimming when my grandfather passed away and it seemed to help me focus my thoughts... just waiting for the weather to heat up a little more... it's still too cold at night for me to resume my nighttime swims though... aiyah... i think i've said it before, but self doubt is a bitch...

click here to find out which asian action superstar you are!

You are Michelle Yeoh. You are a responsible, nurturing and caring person. you like the romantic side of life. whether it's by a british secret agent or a master swordsman. You like it all. You try and take care of the people you care about, but sometimes they dont take ur help too kindly. That's okay cause you got it all.

today while eating my lunch i opened my fortune cookie and was happily surprised at what i found... inside my fortune cookie read "follow the advice of your heart"... some of the best post-graduation advice i've heard in a long time...

the trip to vegas although two days past is still fresh in my mind... i really think our car got to be very close and the saying that "what happens in vegas stays in vegas" wasn't an understatement because we did some crazy stuff that i wouldn't want to reveal again... hahaha... good times though. i think i've become an official Cirque du Soliel fan for life... i know it's a bit pretentious to buy 100 dollar tickets to watch (in essence) just a circus, but honestly if you watch one Cirque show you'll know that it's far from being just a circus... soooo good. i'm planning to watch Verakai when it comes to LA and maybe even try to spot my favorite people from the Fire Within series...

the last quarter for most of my friends has finally begun.... for me, it's the beginning of an early summer vacation. although i don't have anymore school my schedule is still full with work and APSA related business. because my schedule is so busy my room has been paying the price... it is such a mess right now. clothes everywhere and papers all over my desk... i really should clean it up soon... i checked my grades and i passed all my classes so at the very least i know i'm officially done with school. =)

it feels like i haven't blogged in weeks, when in actuality it's only been a few days...

las vegas was incredible! it was the first time i had been to vegas with the watchful eye of my parents. i hadn't been back to the strip since high school so i had lots of fun walking through all the new hotels. my favorites were the bellagio and venitian... the mirage is also one of my favorites, an oldie but goodie... if there was one hotel where i had lost/gave them most of my money, it would have to be the bellagio... my second night there i parted with all my cash to pay for tickets to see "O" by cirque du soliel... it was so worth it... the show was incredible and my seats were awesome.... we got first row seats! row A, seats 1, 2... so close to the stage that it rained on us! =) anywho, i'm tired so i'll update my trip tomorrow...

the weather has changed for the better... it's cool and warm in the apartment. it's that nice prelude before that sticky heat that arrives with summer. two of the roomies have decided to head back home and the quiet is relaxing... it's a strange feeling to not have anything to worry about. sitting in front of the TV takes me back to the half-days of elementary school.

wow, could that lady who host's 30 minute meals be anymore peppier? it's almost downright annoying...

the sunny weather today was great. unfortunately, whenever the weather makes a change like that my allergies flare up. today at work i was just miserable. watery eyes, sneezing, and a scratchy throat... bleh.. the two benedryl didn't seem to work on me... =P

tonight i did something i haven't done in a while. i took a bath and soaked in the tub. it was like a throwback to childhood. it was around that time too, that california was experiencing a major drought and the bubble baths became more of a luxury than anything else... i can remember back when i was a little kid and my mom would fill up the tub and put in my He-Man bubble bath. hahaha... i can even remember what it looked and smelled like. it came in a purple tub about the size of a large play-doh jar and was slime green. the consistency was that of pudding and it smelled like green apple...

although i've been trying to save money for las vegas i couldn't help myself. i went to best buy today and got the newest linkin park cd, meteora... it's pretty good. i'm not much of a rock head, but just something about teen angst muisic that i enjoy. plus gotta support mike shinoda. =)

got together with the spring break crew to discuss what we wanted to during our vegas trip... looks like we're going to take a short road trip to visit the grand canyon...

tonight i finally got to watch "boowling for columbine"... i can see why it won for the best documentary... before seeing the film i thought it was a documentary on a fund raising event for the students of columbine high... haha... like people were bowling to raise money for columbine high... instead i got this awesome film about america's gun obsession and consumerism driven by fear.... the type of movie that really makes you think about american society and the misplaced fear people have of the unknown... i don't think i could do the film justice, but i highly recommend it. hence, another reason why i love indie films and hate hollywood trash.

the day after

went shopping in the morning with my mom. she bought me a featherbed which i had been wanting for a while... now it feels like i'm sleeping on a cloud... =) now that school is out of the way i'll have a lot more time to enjoy my bed...

today me and the roomies went to CompUSA to buy a wireless router for the apartment. since we all got laptops we figured it would be a good investment. also, they were having this midnight madness sale and they were only $30! i thought we were getting there pretty early but when we arrived at the parking lot we saw a long line of people just waiting to get inside... when we finally got in, there were no more wireless routers =( in fact there was this huge crowd of people just grabbing what thet could off the shelf... in fact, this crazy old guy had a shopping basket full of them and was trying to get people to pay him five bucks for one... his guy was just scary... the first thing i noticed was that he was foaming at the mouth... my roomie tried to get him to give us one, but he refused... anywho, we got really lucky because a guy overheard us being disappointed about not being able to get one and offers one to us since he learned that there was a limit of one per person... =) however, that wasn't our last encounter with old crazy guy, he happened to be in front of us in line and he was trying to get me to take another router off his hands... at one point he tried to get jasmine to buy one off him... such a freak.... now i know why i'm such a horrible bargainer... i can't hang with these kind of sales... people are so cuthroat... everyone is grabbing everything, people are screaming and in general it's just mad chaos... it was like, if we were in a natural emergency and needed to buy supplies... it was that stressful... in fact, while we were trying to find the router my adrenline level went up... after leaving the store i could tell i had put my body through a lot of stress since my muscles were all tense... anywho, now our apartment is fully connected... it's nice not being tethered to the ethernet cord anymore... now i'm sitting here in my super comfy bed on my wireless laptop typing out this blog. so glad i'm done with school...

unparalleled relief...

i'm done. that's right done with it all. no more registering for classes, no more midterms, no more studying till my eyes give out... i'm done! i'm still giddy from the feeling of walking out of my last final. it won't be official until my grades are posted, but at least now i can concentrate at the tasks at hand... planning out the rest of my life and planning out the best APSA grad banquet ever... tonight i'm going to try and finish the neon genesis series with angeline and then tomorrow my moms is taking me out shopping =) free clothes!

one last time...

approximately 30 minutes away from the last final in my undergraduate career... nervous anticipation is the best word to describe it... i'm sure the 2.5 hours it'll take to finish the exam will just fly by... *jumps up and down like rocky* i'm ready baby! bring it!

zero hour

in less that 10 hours it'll all be over... while falling asleep last night i started to reminicse about everything i've experienced within the past 4.6 years... what a trip! really funny how life changes... four years ago i probably would have told you that i'd be in my first year in medical school by now and i'd probably be as far from san diego as possible... going to study a bit, have breakfast with rachel, study some more and then take the last final of my undergrad career... i'm actually excited now. =)

woo hoo.. i'm going to be done with my undergraduate career in about ~15 hours!

the day of truth is today... my first final of finals week.. number 1 of 2. in approximately 48 hours my undergraduate career will be officially done! woo hoo... the only problem is, where do i go now? med school, grad school, postbacc, or join the work force? this point in my life seemed so much more concrete when i had planned it out 5 years ago. now that it's here it seems even more intangible... at the very least one thing is a given... i'm going to have a kick ass spring break with my homies in las vegas!

it was inevitable... i was late to see the director of the postbac program... luckily she agreed to see me after i called her. i was taken back a bit when i first saw her because over the phone i was expecting a staunch white southern woman. instead i got a short and very sweet black woman. we talked about my plans for medicine and what i needed to do in order to make it happen. for the first time i didn't feel like this administrator was trying to make the goal of medicine difficult, in fact after talking to her i felt a renewed sense of focus. we even talked about CRENO and i found out that she was the one that actually established the program in 1989... she was so sincere and it seemed that within the short amount of time we talked she really wanted to see me reach my goal. afterwards she even gave me a hug and told me that she wants to see me make it. i told her that i would try and she gave me a disapproved look at which i replied "sorry, i don't mean i'll try...i mean, i'll do it..."

3:30am tuesday of finals week

i left clics early since i didn't feel like i was gaining anything. when i go out tomorrow i'm going to leave my computer at home. i'll see how much more productive i can be without an internet connection in front of me. the end of the quarter is almost at hand. in about 7 hours i have a meeting with the director of the postbacc program i want to get into. nervous...

whenever i go to bed i don't see how many hours i get to sleep, but now i look at how REM cycles i'm going to get. i've been trying to regain my previous ability of lucid dreaming. the results thus far have been poor. still haven't managed to have a good lucid experience in a while. i used to be able to do it all the time too. anywho, tonight i'll be lucky if i get one good REM cycle in. good luck with finals!

1:36am tuesday of finals week

clics is still buzzing with people and i have yet to find my studying groove... one of those night where the more you read the less you know. fear is definitely settling into my system...

feeling a bit frustrated right now... my studying efforts don't seem to be working... my progress is slow and painful... i think i need to get to clics to get some real studying done, but i'm afraid of the large masses of people that are probably there... tomorrow is packed, breakfast with rachel, appointment with the director of the postbac program i want to do, office hours, studying for physio, and studying for my usp class... i used to think i thrived on this type of stress now it feels like it's just eating me up... in 4 days though, i'll be done... 4 more days, 4 more days, 4 more days!

i lost my last entry... first that's ever happened...

yesterday was only semi-productive, i tried to study at barnes and nobles but when i got there the place was just packed with people... the only tables left were the 3 small tables outside. since it was a nice and sunny day i decided to try and study outside. it was nice until the wind started to blow... was only able to stay outside and study for about 15 minutes. i just gave up and went back inside to do some browsing. the finals week crunch still hasn't hit me at full force... i'm sure by tomorrow it'll fully dawn upon me. the apartment has literally gone to shit with the dawn of finals week. i had cleaned the apartment a week before finals week and now it's just a big mess again. no one takes out the trash, the living has become our makeshift study area, the kitchen is just piled with dirty dishes, and my desk is just a mess of paperwork. hopefully after this madness we can do some spring cleaning...

i made an appointment to see the director of the postbac program at ucsd. i'm getting that same anxious feeling i got when i started to work on my applications for med school. i'm sure it's all in my head. i think i always go into meetings with administrators with a bit of apprehension and fear that they're out to get me. should really stop that. ever since i met with my pre med advisor a year ago i think i've gotten extremely cautious when it comes to my future and what the "professionals" have to say.

as subtle as a garlic sandwich...

for the past couple of weeks i've been questioning my faith and whether or not i was truly meant to be part of the medical community... last week i happened to meet some of the ladies who worked at the ucsd med school admission office... today i received an application for the med school's postbac program. it's basically a program designed to help students who want to reapply. i've read the letter and application nearly 10 times already contemplating the ramifications of applying... i think what's really holding me back is this fear i have of applying to the program and being rejected once again. after spending nearly a year getting my med school applications ready only to be rejected from most of my schools i don't think i have the emotional energy to apply to another program. for a time up until today i was ready to leave my dream of practicing medicine behind me and going for stable position in the world of clinical research. however, now more than ever i feel like fate is shaking me up and telling me i have to do this. funny how it decided to come right at the start of finals week. when i first got into college i had my whole life planned out and it worked out beautifully. i would say now that i'm at point where i have mixed feelings... i'm honestly very excited at having the opprotunity to be able to strengthen my application since i was planning to reapply anyway, but there's a small part of me that questions my ability to even make it that far. i'm scared.

today at work i came in late and felt like shit... although i know my boss never really scolds me i knew she was feeling like i wasn't pulling around my own weight... which was true since i spent the morning surifng the internet... she even pointed it out and said i should try to work on something else... instead of being the good little worker i usually am i took that as a challenge and got really defensive the rest of the day... in fact, in my head i kept thinking, "hey, in a week i'll have a degree that outweighs your little community college associates degree!" argh. bad reggie! something about obeying authority or being challenged that gets me all worked up... probably the reason i'm why i've always wanted to get an MD and now a PhD... it's like having those degrees entitles me automatic authority... i have a weird thing about being in control. jasmine says it's because i'm a first born child and so i'm used to getting everything done my way. i agree. i'm a spoiled boy that like to have things done my way and if anyone questions that i get extremely defensive.. anywho, now i can't help but feel weird about coming into work...no matter... going to leave it behind me since i'm only going to be there for a month and i want a good recommendation.

once again, it's that time of year which i hate and thrive upon... finals week is about to begin and i have a little less than a week to completely review all my materials and kick some ass on my finals. strange and surreal feeling... i know i'll be done, but without any definite plans i'm at an impasse. no longer do i have the security of classes or the stability of a steady paying job. instead what i have to look forward to is the end of my lease and the return to domestic life with my family... i'm sure the transition is going to be tough. at the very least i have my annual internship in los angeles to go to. post graduation life looms of the horizon. the what hell i'm i doing with my life?

today while walking to class i happened to run into the same lady from the med school admissions office. we chatted for a bit and she told me she replied to my e-mail request and that if i had any other questions feel free to e-mail or stop by... i'm really quite unsure how to take all of this... is this god's way of telling me i have a way in or simply receiving the validation i asked for... here's what she wrote in her reply to me after i asked her about a possible combined MD/PhD degree

Hello,

I enjoyed our conversation. We are always willing to help in any way. The Admissions Committee looks at these types of extracurricular activities:

Any work
Research
Community Outreach
Clinical
Leadership

and of course a shinning personality. Wish you possess, even when you are harrassed by 3 old ladies.:)



the question is what the hell i'm i supposed to do next... it's funny how when you first start college you have your whole life planned and it worked out wonderfully... now i feel like i have the pieces, but they aren't fitting together quite as well as i thought... i have all of those, minus any good research experience... hmmm... when the hell did i lose my passion for medicine? the thought of not fulfilling this dream i have and the expectations that others have for me is killing me inside...

the PCC Cast members have been selected... i hope i get a role...

the weekend just flew by... i'm sitting here in my bed typing this blog away... i love having a laptop, it lets me be as lazy as i want to be... alumni undergrad sports day was really fun... too bad i had to leave for PCC practice in the middle of it... didn't really get a chance to play any of the alum vs undergrad games, but i did manage to play a little tennis with ian, richard, and david... i have no ball control whatsoever... i'm either lobbing it over the fence or hitting it out of bounds... we couldn't even get a good rally going... in all though it was a good workout... my right forearm is all sore now.

anywho, back to talent show. throughout most of the set-up time i just wandered around PC ballroom with my backpack on observing everything and taking in the wonderful aura that APSA events just seem to generate. i was pretty useless during the day... just playing around and waiting patiently for skit's time to do tech... i managed to roughly learn the missy dance routine... hahahaha... that was funny, spent most of the time with my eye on Cat... the skit went well... we ended with the entire ballroom in silence... that was either a sign that the skit made them think or they just didn't understand what the hell we were trying to say. afterwards we headed to fridays cuz i was starving... i was so nervous i hardly had anything to eat after dim sum...

the day of truth arrived today... APSA talent show was so dope... props to ian and moneek for putting on an awesome talent show! so many things happened today and i'm too tired to commit them to digital memory for the time being... i'll just say that skit, dance routing, and everything else in general went beyond my expectations. =) so sore and tired... i think i should have worn knee pads during the dance routine... later today after i sleep is alumni/undergrad sports day... of course i'm rooting for the undergrad team.

talent show tonight!

i've always wondered what role fate and freewill played in our lives... does one have more bearing over the other? was it written even before i was born that i was destined to write this blog? or i'm i simply doing everything on the fly? i've always taken the road that life is balancing of the two. that we can deviate from fate as much as we want, but eventually we'll end up at certain checkpoints in life. right now i feel like i'm way off course. currently i'm in limbo, career wise... no job and no current sign of med school. today i think fate has decided to kick in...

while making my daily run to the medical school to drop off some blood samples i decided to swing by the campus box office to get talent show tickets... while waiting in line a group of 3 older women, who were obviously on their lunch break, were chatting up a storm. the person at the front of the line was taking an incredible amount of time so they happened to turn around and start a conversation with me. they asked me if i had ever heard of the foo fighters. they saw a sign on the box office window that foo fighter tickets were limited to two per student and assumed that the show must be that good since they were limiting the amount of tickets sold. after a little more idle chit chat one of the ladies happened to ask me if i wanted to go to medical school. i'm assuming she asked me because i was wearing my blue scrubs today. her friend chimed in that they worked in the admissions office at UCSD. my first reaction was "wow, you're the people that out rightly rejected me..". but they weren't the cold and uncaring people i had once envisioned them to be, they were actually quite pleasant and friendly. she asked when i was applying and i told her that i would be applying again in the summer. got a lot of good information from her and she even gave me a bit of info that could be to my advantage come reapplication time. anywho, she gave me her e-mail address and said i could e-mail her if i had any questions about the application process. after that encountered i was a mixed bag of emotions. happy that i happened to actually meet people from the admissions board, but sad that i still haven't heard from any of my med schools. i know i shouldn't feel like a failure, but that what i feel like at the moment. i know i've said this a million times before, but its like all the work i've done for 5 years doesn't amount to anything without validation... just want my schools to say "yes, we want you to become a doctor..." the question remains, do i have the money and will to try again? if i decide to do it again, i'm on my own... paying for another set of applications and possibly taking another mcat... either way i feel like my passion for medicine is waning... why the hell is it so hard for my med schools to see that i would make a pretty damn good doctor? i have the passion, i have the drive... at this point i can't help but feel as if everyone is moving on to bigger and greater things.

had an audition today for PCC cast.. i would say it went okay... i'm actually very excited about being part of the show... the script looks to be different from previous year's scripts and there's no singing... *phew*... i also finished editting our physiology project "speed 3: cardiac velocity".. it's very corny, cheesy, and full of nerdy bio humor.. hahaha

as of late my life as been moving pretty quickly... the end of my undergrad career is going to end regardless of what i do. when i went to check what my finals week schedule was like i couldn't log on with my computer... i realized that i really didn't remember my PIN, but only had it in my muscle memory and without a little keypad i couldn't just type it out using the row of numbers along the top of my keyboard. i had to look at my roomie's keyboard and see what my fingers were typing in. i'm determined to get a good night's rest before a full day of work... this weekend although full of fun i think is just going to stress me out...i have a whole quarter of physio i need to review and two books i need to finish reading for my US healthcare class...

talent show and alumni/undergrad sports day this weekend! i'm housing two alums at my apartment, terence and stephanie... this year the alums seem to be talking a lot of trash.. fortunately, i'm bringing plenty of extra bandaids and bengay for the old timers just in case... =P

today for physiology we worked on our video presentation... i captured all the video tonight and have been working on getting the sequences and timing right... it's coming along pretty good... if i can find the webspace then i'll post it up for everyone to watch... i almost forgot how much fun it was to edit and make my own movies. i can't wait till after this quarter is done and then i can finally get started on making my entry into the san diego asian film festival.

2 days till talent show! i'm really excited about skit not only because i helped to write and direct it, but to hear and see other people's reactions to it. it's very different from what i think the regular APSA people are used to so it should be a good kinda of change. i mixture of art and politcal commentary is the best way to describe it. if you're free this saturday come out an support local talent at UCSD's APSA Talent Show... doors open @ 6pm... tickets are only $9 at the door or $6 presale...

beyond the one dance i'm doing for PCC i also want to be in the cast so tonight i'll be auditioning for a prinical role in PCC... . with apsa skit and our video presentation i've slowly been acquiring a taste for acting... i like it... may i have some more?

picture of the day

expressions!

talent show is this satuday. i'm pretty excited about the skit. it's going to be pretty powerful if it all goes according to plan.

went home today to see my parents and grab the video camera. my physiology group is making a video presentation for our project. we're doing a parody of "speed"... we have to keep the frog's heart rate above 50 beats per minute or a bomb will go off...

i can tell these last two weeks of the quarter are going to be intense... projects, presentations, and finals...

tonight i was actually able to catch an episode of korean music video heaven. i haven't been able to watch any new videos for a couple of months now... the host looks like my friend jane... for about 2 years now i've had the idea of sending her a letter with a picture of jane included with my video request.

only 2 more weeks left!

i've still yet to experience that feeling of accomplishment. i still feel like after spring break i'll be going back to class... or even this is just one long summer break... instead though, i'm done with school. there's nothing after this quarter. i've started my job search if med school falls through and i have one possible lead at UCLA School of Medicine doing research. i'm a bit excited about the prospect of working in LA and starting a brand new life. i'm a bit scared about the salary though since i do want to live comfortably. then again though, everyone needs to pay their dues and maybe this is my time.

with only two weeks left and the possibility of leaving SD sooner than i had expected i've decided to just try and absorb as much as my friends as possible. i could have been stuck in the library all night last night, but instead i went to fridays to eat half priced appetizers. good times. =)

finals week must be coming up soon because i have this insatiable need to organize and clean my room. it's those final week vibes i'm getting... so nice to think this will be my last finals week as an undergad. =)

tonight we had a roomie dinner at Mayrin's new restaurant, Cafe de Thai... her mom makes the best Mee Krob... one of my favorite Thai dishes =) such a nice place too... all the tables and chairs were imported from Thailand! in a prime location too... everyone should come out and support... it's literally in the smack middle of white town, Poway... which means no asian restaurants to compete for a 5 mile radius... they have a monopoly on the Thai food there... haha...

i just sent in an appeal for a parking ticket i got at school last week... at first i was just going to pay it, but then realized that the regents have enough of my money...

my fears, for now, have been put to rest... PCC practice was today and even though at the beginning i thought i wouldn't know anyone there i did manage to see a couple of friendly and familiar faces which made it a little easier. honestly, i'm pretty excited about finally being a part of PCC instead of just a passive audience member. this thursday i'll be auditioning for a role in the cast as a principal character. a bit apprehensive because historically the leads sing a song... contrary to the popular belief that all filipinos are good at singing and dancing i'm not... at least not good at singing... i don't even sing the shower. hopefully we'll be able to work around that little technicality if the part requires singing... anywho, i'm off to see my friend's new thai restaurant... =d mmmmmmmmmm... sarap!

wow, 2 more weeks of class and then finals week. can't believe my undergrad career is coming to an end. at least at this point i'm ready to leave.

tonight me and friends played the game of life. so funny. i don't remember that game being so complicated. they should really market toward the college student set versus the 9 and above age group. so many things to consider during that game. do i want a career or go to college first? in this case since we're all college students we all went the college track. then on top of that have to worry about buying car insurance, buying a home, getting insurance for that home, and then getting married. don't forget the kids... to make it more realistic though, they shouldn't make the marriage part of the game so heterocentric. or even require it. hell, what if someone wanted to be single for the rest of their life? anywho, me and my wifey agnes ended up winning the game with a grand total worth of $1,340,000... if only the game of life mirrored the actual thing. so simple, having kids made of colorful plastic and you get to easily select a career...

in my inbox today... i find more of the same, junk mail... this time i find something that piques my interest... "stop spammers in their tracks". just thought it was assuming that they're advertising a way to stop spam when they themselves are guilty of it too... that reminds me of a message on the answering machine we got around the time we all moved in. when i find the time i'll try to post it up somewhere, but it was just the funniest thing... imagine a telemarketer with a heavy canadian accent on our answering machine trying to sell us some product that will stop telemarketer's calls. a bit self-defeating i think.

my friday went by in such a blur... i don't even remember going to work this morning... took my little bro and his friends to see Rex Navarette at SDSU... for those of you who don't know rex is, he's a filipino american stand-up comic... so funny! it was nice to be able to listen to him speak about the filipino american experience and put a humorous spin on it. in general i think fil-ams as a group are good at finding the humor within themselves... whether it be poking fun at our grasp at the english language or just the way filipino parents are, it was just very nice to be in touch with that side of my identity. as of late i've been trying harder to get in touch with my "filipiness"... i added another new year's resolution to my list, be able to speak fluent tagalog with my relatives... today i told my mom that i would only speak back in tagalog... looks like for the next couple of months i'll only be able to answer yes or no questions.

i've also started another personal journal... this one however won't be posted on the web. i've come to the realization although i'm pretty candid with my thoughts i still feel like i'm missing something by my own self censorship. hence the need for another outlet for me one in which i won't be afraid to write what i feel. i started writing in it last night and afterwards i was able to sleep almost immediately... just helped me to relax and to get all my worries out.

the daunting task of pcc practices looms over the distance... right now i'm thinking, "what the heck did i sign myself up for?"..the amount of practices are just ridiculus... on top of that i want to be in the cast... hmmmmm... not so much scared about the dancing and acting but my whole dynamic with these people... for some odd reason i don't seem to get along with filipinos very well... or at least that's what i perceive... i don't feel as if i'm "filipino" enough to be part of kaibigan pilipino... as a whole i dunno if i'm intimidated by them or what... but i just feel like i don't fit this preconceived notion of what it is to be filipino... maybe this is all in my head...

returned to my second home, clics, to try and get some studying done... thus far i've only managed to cover one thing... ahhh well, at the very least being here at the library i feel more productive... hmmm... should i have gone to pb bar and grill with everyone else? can't help but feel a bit dettached... plenty of opprotunities next quarter when i'm done with school... found out that my job will be able to keep me for a month after my graduation... after that i'll be mooching off my parents once again until i return to LA...

i forgot to put a link up to that funny blog entry so here it is in all it's painfully funny glory

http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=keara507&itemid=87595&nc=31

anywho, today was masa and apsa's iron chef competition... yes i won... but no i don't have my trophy, yet... long ass stupid 5th grade drama story... but i'm not mad, i had lots of fun cooking for the judges and my helpers were awesome...

talent show is a week away and i'm looking forward to skit... looks like we're going to do everything live instead of an audio recording... a bit risky, but if everyone learns their lines it should work out incredibly well... i'm definitely old... i can't sleep 5 hours like i used to and still function normally... luckily tomorrow is my half day at work... i had so many deep thoughts running through my head during the day, but now sitting in front of my computer i'm a bit at a loss for words... i got my digital prints today in the mail... they look incredible... so glad i bought i digital camera... i feel as if my new years resolutions are falling apart... i haven't been keeping up with my gym schedule like i did at the beginning of the year and my checkbook has yet to be balanced... however, i'm still not giving up.. i'm going to start going back tomorrow, since now all my ish is done with... start getting back to focusing on myself... in search of a little me time...

during my expansive journies across the blogger kingdom i'm rarely moved to share or link some of the things i've read... however, as a fellow blogger so aptly put... this entry is just so "i know i shouldn't be laughing" funny... here's the preface... the girl finds a love note left for someone else and hilarity ensues... the comments i think are just as funny as the actual note itself...

lab got out incredibly early... literally took 15 mins to perform the lab... more time was spent explaining it than executing it... tried out one of the recipes i'm going to use for the iron chef competition this wednesday... tastes awesome... that trophy is mine! hahahaha... not really not concerned with trophy more or less just wanting to making some great tasting food for other ppl to taste...

currently i'm watching some cheezy filipino dramas on tv... really grateful for the fact i can totally understand what's going on, but sad that i can't really effectively communicate in tagalog... on thinking about my idnetity and what it means to be filipino recently came the observation that when asians are tan they are filipino but when they're light and pal they're chinese... take for instance my friends cat and victor... cat is always mistaken as being chinese while victor is always mistaken for being filipino... and this is all on the basis of their tans... i guess it would make sense since chinese and filipinos make up the largest percentages of asians in american... since we're on the subject i think for a long time i've been trying to figure out where i belong in the whole asian american spectrum... for some odd reason people don't seem to equate filipino with being asian, but rather as being a pacific islander... however, in the philippines if you were to ask someone from the street if they considered themselves asian or pacific islander they'd most likely associate with being asian... i think this all goes back to the tan... for the most part we've equated asian as being fair skinned and chinky eyes... i think i'm also guilty of this narrow minded vision of what it means to asian... it also didn't help that whenever my aunt came to visit me from the philippines she would alway comment on how dark i was and that i needed to buy some skin whitening soap... anywho, i guess my whole search for what it means to be filipino and asian american led me to APSA... just being a part of this group of individuals who are also trying to define what it means to be asian american is awesome... can't properly describe the gratitidue i have for this organization... yes, i'm still struggling with what it means to be filipino and asian american, but i think i've finally started to like the skin i'm in... in fact, i just finished my last bar of soap from the philippines yesterday...

perhaps one of my greatest fears, besides not becoming successful in life, is that of becoming old... not in the sense of gaining more responsiblity, but in the whole aging process... ie. losing my teeth and hair... yesterday i had another one of my aging dreams... this time instead of my teeth it was my hair... i was putting gel into my hair when i realized that i had a huge bald spot in the middle of my head... before i could panic i woke up... i think maybe some of the root of this problem is maybe this fear i have of not being accepted or that desire i have to feel loved and cherished... all of which i think comes down to my whole outward appearance... it's a sad fact of life that you're judged by how you look and i fear that if i growup to look bald and toothless i'll just be depressed for the rest of my life... speaking of which the stress of these past weeks have been taking there toll on me... i've skipped the gym for a week and i've broken out so too many times to count... bleh... not feeling cute at all... which is something i hate to admit not because i like being a narcissist, but because i feel like people who are overly conerned with their looks are just shallow and i'd hate to admit that about myself... one of those times when i just need some confirmation... will someone just tell me that i'm cute? then i'll feel much better about myself... hahaha... okie that's enough...

it's 3:40am, sunday morning... almost done with my lab report... working on the figures now... that'll probably take another 2 hours to complete since they're so time consuming and i don't have a mouse for my laptop... it's very nice to able to take my computer with me where ever i go, but it sucks when it comes to working with excel and making charts since that little touch pad isn't as dexterious as having a mouse... bleh...

as of late i've be indiscriminately spending my money... i really should keep track of my expenses in my little checkbook... so hard though... it was so much easier for me to not spend anything when i thought i didn't have any money... now with something in my back account i feel the need to spend it... i'm such a horrible saver... at the very least i made some good progress on paying off my credit card debit... with any luck by the end of the summer i'll be free from my plastic woes...

talking with a friend about future plans i mentioned briefly that there would be a biotech company making a presentation about possible openings on monday at the career center... anywho, using my med school research skills i immediately went to the companies website to see if they had any open positions in LA... nothing in LA, but their main operations are in irvine which is just far away enough from home to make me happy... perhaps this is another one of god's divine signs to me... on the plus side housing in irvine is cheap... plus it's close to disneyland =)

i'm going to call it a night and work on the those figures after i get some rest...

during the time i should have been working on my lab reports i decided to return to my former obsession with reading random people's blogs... for the most part i just hop onto a blog and then make my random jumps... there are actually a couple of stranger's blogs that i've bookmarked either because i thought they were cute in their picture or because they have interesting things to say... most of my bookmarked blogs belong to the later... anywho, starting from one of my random bookmarked blogs i magically ended up at the blog of michael tea.. i guess the cool part about this was after literally reading about 25 blogs and just taking random links i somehow was able to get connected back to myself... 25 degrees of separation? i read a stat some where that every webpage on the web is within 10 degrees of separation of each other... interesting, no?

anywho, i think i've written enough about my weird voyeuristic blogger tendencies for the year...

currently: forcing myself to sit and type out my lab reports... my progress thus far has been minimal... faackkkk...

currently trying to finish my sassy girl on my laptop... the person who captured it did it in the weirdest format... won't let me fast forward or reverse so if i stop the movie halfway through i'll have to watch the whole thing over again to get to my place... hmmm...(sidenote: the speakers on my laptop aren't that great, but the advertised "sonopur" digital audio system makes everything sound awesome when i plug in my headphone or speakers!) this will prolly take a couple of days then since i rarely have enough time to just sit and watch a movie...the exception was tonight however... i had the full intention of just staying at home to finish my homework... but my roomie asked if i wanted to see daredevil and since we rarely spend time to together i figure it would be okay to take a small study break...

we watched daredevil... the only part that i got excited about was seeing the xmen trailer right before the movie... other that that it totally blew... i know for the movies you're supposed to suspend your belief, buit i just couldn't believe ben affleck as a super hero... let alone a blind one... the fighting scenes were uninspired hong kong wannabe crap... the highlight of the actual film was that it was set in new york and it reminded me of my previous trip over winter break...

as of late, i've been missing appointments left and right... i was supposed to meet mikey for dinner on thursday, but forgot... then today i forgot to make it to the talent show fun committee picture taking meeting... i guess now is the time i should install my palm pilot software onto my laptop and sync it up...

so much to do this weekend and i want to get it all done... just a matter of where i should start...

today at work it's really slow... i thought i had a giant project to complete today, but i guess i finished it last week... it took me literally an hour to realize the samples i was searching for in the freezer had already been logged in... guess i'll go over to coffee bean and grab a sunrise...

coming to the scary realization that i'm going to be stuck in the library this whole weekend... =/.... i should have finished my labs when i thought they were due last week... honestly don't know when i'll be able to get anything done this weekend... going to take pictures on saturday, mah jong night, and then going to be gone for most of the day on sunday with angeline... bah... stress level rising...

currently watching my sassy girl... funny thing is i don't understand korean and the subtitles are in chinese... i read chinese so slow and i can only understand a couple of words... so in either language i can only guess what's going on linguistically... i can understand a little bit of the plot and thus far it's a really funny and cute movie...

had skit practice today and i'm incredibly pleased with it thus far... i even got goosebumps when i heard it... for the longest time i thought it was pretty cheesy and the spoken word just way too simple... after listening to it though i'm really excited about it... can't wait to do the audio recording of it...

here's the scene: me in the library at one of the computer stations but with two computers... i hate the fact that i have to grab my lab data from a mac and then type it onto my computer... so here i am switching my glaze from one computer to another and every so often trying to control the cursor on my computer with the mouse from the mac and then trying to type something on the mac with the keyboard on my computer... hahaha... i felt like such a nerd... even more so trying to do homework on two computers...

still waiting for ucla and usc to get back to me... the wait is incredibly painful... can't decide whether or not it's a good thing that they're making me wait for so long...

almost 2 months into the new year and i've only now been able to leave last year's hostilities and anger behind me... felt good to finally get out what was eating me up inside... feeling a lot happier now...more content with where i am...my love for APSA has definitely been renewed...

my 3 day weekend has unfortunately come to an end.. this week will definitely be my bitch week... full of meetings, homework, social engagements, grad banquet planning and prolly some other shit i failed to put into my palm pilot... =T

today we celebrated Jane's 23rd birthday... nice and small affair at her apartment... one of the gifts which i really liked was this glass picture frame that had a picture of me, angeline, sonnier, mikey, jane, and hai from APSA grad banquet 3 years ago... we look so young... brought back a lot of memories and made me realize that this quarter this steadily coming to an end... torn between finishing strong and just finishing... my senioritis has become terminal i think... extremely grateful though for having had the opprotunity to experience everything i did in college... now just a matter of seeing where i'll end up come fall... unlike my friend ethel, i don't have a high tolerance for ambiguity... it's just hard for me to accept the fact that my role in life has still yet to be established... hard for me to sit back and enjoy when i don't know where i'll eventually end up...

once again i'm not getting to bed till 2 in the morning... need to get back to my regular eating, sleeping, studying, and gymming schedule... need to reaffirm my new years resolutions... argh, the kitchen once again looks like crap... i dunno how many times i've cleaned that place... the funny thing is, i haven't cooked there in about a month...

going home for the weekend is always nice, but coming back to my bed and broadband connection is even better... besides the fact i don't really have a room when i come back home another reason why i really don't particularly like being at home is the lack of a good fast internet connection... besides my cell phone, having a fast internet connection is another one of modern life's necessities... recently i my dad discovered the wonders of burning your own cds and without a high speed internet connection he seeing first hand how dial-up really sucks...hopefully i was able to convince him to upgrade to a broadband connection... how sad it is that my life is totally controlled by technology? my friend bob the other day said she could see my house in the future as coming straight out of the sharper image catalog. to some extent i agree although as a whole most of the stuff they have in there is just overly priced cheap silver colored plastic brik-a-brak..

been staring at my computer screen for the last 3 hours trying in vain to finish up this paper i have for my US healthcare class... i'm actually torn between two ideologies... i'm taking this class pass/no pass and so in essence i can get a C on this paper and be fine... then again I think I wouldn't be very happy with myself if i let myself settle... the whole reason i took this class pnp was so that i wouldn't have to worry about grades my final quarter at UCSD... so now my computer sits in my lap generating heat as i aimlessly tap at the keyboard in the hopes a paper of mediocre quality will spew forth... funny how when i actually give myself a break i don't really take it... i could literally hammer out this paper in a little less than an hour, but i'm beating myself up over trying to write an A caliber paper... what the heck is wrong with me?

post valentine's day...

spent the night with my friend's angeline and sonnier to possibly find valentines before the day was officially over... no such luck, either way i had a fun time kickin' it with them. later that evening rachel and tina joined us. we actually found midget town... it was uneventful, i think the stories we were talking about were much more fascinating... for those not in the know, in san diego there is rumor of a small community of midgets, small people, who live in the affluent community of la jolla... everything about this community has been downsized in order to help them... smaller doors, smaller windows, everything about their property is made smaller just for them... for years i've heard the stories of how to get to this town... have to cross 2 bridges, but if you cross a third you'll disappear... or if you take pictures the midgets will come out and shoot you. so many weird and fascinating stories... let me just say, not that great of a place... looks like ordinary houses... i was more impressed at all the mansions on the mountain than anything else... when i make my first million i'm buying a house on mt. soledad... anywho, i've finally found a subject for my film for the SD asian american film festival... going to be a documentary on the urban legends of midget town and i'm also going to ride with a couple of people as they try to find the town... should be very funny and interesting... only worrying about the possible backlash from the asian little poeple community... still though it should be interesting...

valentines day is today... kinda weird... never really cared much for the holiday or even dwelled on the fact that i'm single (on this day or any other day for that matter)... was always content with the fact i have enough love from friends to keep me going... tonight my roomies, all of whom are attached, are busily working on their valentine's day gifts... it's really sweet to see the effort they're putting into their gifts... can't help but feel like i'm lefft out of the loop.. like there's some secret club i'm not a part of... for a long time i considered myself a good catch... i'm cute, have white straight teeth, smart, funny, can cook, and will someday be a rich doctor... my parents a couple of months ago during a family party were introducing me and my younger brother to the aunts and uncles... the obligatory question of whether or not i had a girlfriend came up... my mom was quick to say in tagalog "oh no, he's the good one, likes to study... my younger son, he's the playboy..." in my family apparently there is a gene from my dad's side of the family that causes "playboyism"... i guess my genetic hand wasn't dealt that card... sometime i think that i was meant to be tragically alone... young, wealthly and rich, but alone... i'm done with my single sob story...

plans for the weekend in the bay area fell through... could have called it though... =T... kinda works out i guess, the time i would've have spent in the bay i can spend on my many other projects that require my attention... at least now i can go shopping for steffie's bday gift... pottery barn, j.crfew, banana republic... the question now is, what store should i go to first?

its been raining most of the day. it was just one of those days when ust want to get into your sweats,bundle up in your blanket, and just chill in front of the tv... perfect day to make a couch cushion fort... maybe i'll do that this weekend... dunno if i'll fit inside of it, but could at least give it a try... too bad i don't got any playmates to invite over...

my roomie jaz must have been reading my mind when she invited me to go out to eat... literally the other day i was driving around town thinking about how i would like to have dinner with her just to talk... so perfect. it's funny how much we have so much in common in terms of mentality about a lot of things like raising kids or even where we want to live when we grow up. nice to know i'm not the only one who doesn't like ambiguity.

my thoughts as of late have been really incoherent... blogging from one subject to another.... prolly reflective of my current state... jumping from one project to another... don't have the time to focus on one thing and finish it completely... i'll work on one thing and then stop and then work on another... can't be good...

once again another night spent trying to finish up homework... no good in that respect, but i did manage to finally read all my research materials for the paper i'm supposed to write... at least now i have a sense of what direction my paper should go. staying up till 2 in the morning brings me back to the days when i first moved out of my house. felt like if i went to bed i'd be missing something. i guess this time around it's because of my new laptop. feel this incredible need to work and play on it. not only because it's just so cool, but i don't want my parents (and myself) to feel the purchase was made in vain. working with the mentality that if i got it, use it.

today i thought about whether or not to accept an offer to work in the LA for the summer... again, it's a matter of what happens with med schools... the terrible feeling of being in limbo won't leave until i find out what's my status with my schools... in terms of working in LA for the summer it was fun and incredibly stressful... i was on call 24 hours a day with the health and well-being of 400 students constantly in the back of my head... it was hard for me to leave campus, even for lunch, because i was afraid some kid would break his arm or go into anaphylatic shock because he decided to eat a strange berry on a dare.. i couldn't even enjoy my afternoon off in little tokyo because i was afraid of getting paged back to campus. this summer they're adding about 150 more students to the mix and this students are a lot younger, which means possibly even more boo-boos to go around. my desire for power though seems to be beckoning me to work in LA because it seems that i would have seniority over the other possible health staffers since ppl rarely return to health assistant position in LA... not to say that i would want to institute a heirarchy, it would just be nice to be able to set up the health office according to what i want since last time around i was simply following the other health assistant's lead. then again there are those parents i would have to deal with. sick kids are okay, parents of sick kids are not fun. i was once yelled at for not taking a student the ER fas enough when it was clearly the parent's fault for not signing all the forms that allowed me to take him there in the first place. either way money talks and right now i'm in the mood to listen.

return of the all nighters

tonight the apartment seems to be alive with a certain type of energy... all the roomies are up busily studying or typing out papers... it must be midterms week... i'm also up late working to finish up a lab report and research paper before i leave for the bay this weekend. so far i haven't had much progress on either...=t... tomorrow i definitely must finish at least one of my assignments otherwise i'm just screwed...

today in my e-mail inbox i received word about where i would be spending my summer... would i be working in LA like i have been for the past 3 summers or would i be in hawaii for a change of pace? well, looks like southern california is calling cuz i'll once again be spending my summer break in LA working for johns hopkins... i'm actually not disappointed... although this past summer was hell i think i really enjoyed the structure... this time around i vow to make more time to relax and hang out with ben and eric if they get called back to LA as well... i'm wondering now, how many people will be on the health staff and whether or not i have the most seniority over them. hehehe... i think i'm a bit of a power freak.

either my hormones are all crazy because of my irregular workout schedule or i'm extremely sressed out from not hearing from my med schools because i've totally broken out... bleh... either way i'm not feeling as cute i used to...

i returned to my old haunts armed with my wireless laptop in the hopes that i would be able to get some homework done... no such luck... i'm chatting and blogging away when i should be typing up a paper on the effectiveness of community clinics... need to put my early graduation present to use...

hello new friend!

just got my new laptop computer... it's kinda weird to be on a new computer, miss my old vaio a bit... still getting used to the little quirks of a notebook... the touchpad is a bit weird and i think i'm going to invest in a mouse instead... although it's not the fujitsu that i had i my eye on it is still pretty damn sweet... if apple made a PC version of their new powerbook that's what my computer would be... spent most of the night installing my old documents and programs so i didn't get a chance to finish typing up my lab report, talent show skit, and reserach paper like i had planned... oh well, tomorrow i'll have more time to play with my new toy =)

it's very weird this relationship i have with my dad... for as long as i can remember, we've never been close. the way he shows his love for me is through money. which would explain why i'm a bit materialistic, i've equated love with money... today for instance we went to frys to buy the laptop i had originally wanted, but since it wasn't there we decided to look around and see if there was anything else that i would like... we literally drove to every computer store in san diego looking for something that i would be happy with. throughout our tour of san diego's freeways, we remained silent... fast forward to best buy and i see a computer i like, but it's just way too expensive for me to ask for it. my dad cooly asks if that's the one i want... i say maybe... in the end though he ends buying it for me regardless of the price... my parents literally spoil me rotten and i just hope one day in the future i'll be able to do the same...

so much for completing my list of things to-do... =t

something i remembered from the evoke performance that i thought was weird... for some odd reason, seeing ppl eat paper makes me nauseous... so much so that it makes me gag... that type of gagging where you're trying to hold it in or you'll vomit... while watching the performers eat pieces of paper (they weren't really even eating it. they were just chewing on it) i was literally tearing up trying to hold in my disgust... what made it worse was that it wasn't just one piece of paper, they just kept putting in pieces of paper into their mouths... right now, just thinking about it i'm getting that weird sensation in the back of my throat... i guess maybe i can just imagine the paper hitting the back of my throat and causing a gag reflex... so weird. i was thinking about it on the way to my car and i was disgusted at the thought if ppl eating pieces of paper i started to cough... the kicker of all this is that i can handle blood and guts, but have someone eating a piece of lined paper and i'll go running in the opposite direction.

life in general has been in a state of limbo... not quite living but not nearly dead... this is it folks, the final push before my undergrad career comes to an end... the goal is to finish a 10 page research paper, a 10 minute skit, and 2 lab reports so i can fully enjoy my mini vacation in the bay... then after that it's smooth sailing...

just got back from an extra long day which began with work at the clinic and ended with dinner at bennigans... in between i managed to finish the paperwork for grad banquet funding, start an outline for my research paper, contacted some community clinics, called hotels, and went to watch evoke dance troope in the gaslamp... the show we saw was "rebel women"... the director called it a docu-dance... some of it was simply awesome and other times i thought "why the heck did i go to this?"... in general i think the audience was receptive to what the group was trying to portray... a comment was made about how san diego really needs a theater district... i totally agree. our downtown is weak... no culture. absolutely none... what happens when you bring culture to san diego? ppl walk out of the theater because it's strange and they don't understand it... after intermission i would say about 30% of the audience had left... so sad...

today i was the poster boy for j.crew... went in today to look for gifts for friends and myself and while i was paying for my purchases the cashier recognized my coat and oxford shirt... looking through the catalog all i could see was my friend steph... would see a khaki skirt and steph would be in it... a pink ladies polo shirt, steph was wearing it... hahaha... it's funny how you can walk into a store and picture your friends that would be shopping there...

forgot how addiciting it is to download stuff... spent most of the night crossing off songs from my "download list"... only a couple of new songs since i think most of the r&b and hip-hop on the radio now is crap... i fear that i may be losing touch with my ghetto-self... i was listening to the radio and the accoustic mix of "thug mansion" came on, i seriously could not stop laughing at how retarded the song was... who the heck comes up with this stuff? like there's really a mansion where thugs go when they die since heaven ain't made for them... hahahaha... besides that crap on the radio, nobody seems to be writing their own material anymore... it's all cover songs of old classics...

about time for me to start reorganizing my desk again... old mail and the remains from my trip to new york still are strewn about my desk... even with the all the horrible stuff to happen this week, my parents made me a very happy boy by giving me the go ahead to buy the laptop that ii've been eyeing for a while... it'll be my graduation gift... =) as hai told me last night, in regards to feeling absolutely shitty, "don't worry, once you get your new toy, you'll forget about all the horrible stuff..." as much as i hate to admit it, she was right... just the thought of getting a brand new laptop makes me happy... if you wanna check it out go to the fujitsu website... i'm getting the top-of-the-line c-series... hehehe... so exciting, wireless internet and a dvd-writer... that's probably the best thing about it... turn all my friend's episodes from kazaa into dvds... hahahaha... my good ol' vaio is getting a new home back with my little bro... what a waste... doesn't even have a cable modem... =T...

anywho, as for my future, i'm still waiting... i've started to send out my resume to companies in LA and the Bay just in case things fall through with school... at least then i'll have a plan... i told my parents either way, i'm going to become a doctor... now, it's either going to be reggie saldivar m.d. or reggie saldivar ph.d., either way, dr. saldivar has a wonderful ring to it... just a matter of time my friends... special thanks to angeline, adam, jasmine, cat, nelly, mikey, caroline, and jed for your kind words and support... =)

i'm keeping this one ambiguous on purpose...

my parents never go out to eat during the week, but when my mom called and asked me if i wanted to go i knew it had to be a sign.... if ever there was a time for me to believe in fate i think it's now... the sequence of the past day's events fell so well into place it could only be described as being meant to be... although as a whole most of what happened wasn't good, it has definitely demonstrated to me that fate does exist... i'd be lying if i said i'm not disappointed at what i saw, but i'm assuming the rest of my life will now fall into place.. within the next two week we'll see how things will turn out... placing my fate now in God's hands...

this past saturday went to UC, Irvine's apaac conference... although the turn out wasn't as big as previous years, due to the fact it fell onto lunar new year, it was still an awesome conference... whenever i go i always leave with the sense that i've accomplished something and that i've connected with my identity as an asian american. got to touch base concerning a lot of current politcal issues around the API community. watched hereandnow perform some new material which was a treat and i got to play redlight greenlight on stage.. for a while i wasn't feeling that APSA vibe... after the conference i think i have a renewed sense in my purpose for the organization..

today i went laptop shopping... unknown to my parents, yet, that's what they're buying me for graduation.... =) after much debate and research i think i've managed to narrow down my choices... either an IBM thinkpad or fujitsu c-lifebook... instead of the tiny, cute little ones from sony that i've been eyeing for almost 2 years now i decided to go for something a little more substanstial... plus it'll be nice to reclaim some of my desktop real estate... my beloved sony vaio is going to my family... the family computer is literally about to die... feel sorry for my little bro who has to go to his friend's house ot type his papers...

also on the agenda for today was changing the oil in my car... for some odd reason the simple act of changing the oil in my car myself makes me feel manly... like one of the manly arts; opening jars, throwing a football, peeing standing up, etc, etc etc...hahaha.. it's amazing how many ppl don't know how to do this either... i don't understand why someone would pay another person to change their oil, when you could do it yourself for literally half the cost and do a better job at it too! (i discovered that the last time i let the jiffy lube ppl change my oil they didn't tighten the drip pan screw tightly enough, but in constrast they literally welded the oil filter onto the engine...) i guess it's also a way of bringing me back down from my high horse... i know for a fact that my hands will probably never get to be as worn, scarred, and callused as my dad's... his hands are a product of days of hard manual labor... my hands in comparison are down right girly... no rough spots, no scars, and the only dirt that gets under my nails is from the beach... that one hour while i'm changing the oil in my car and my hands are black with old oil and grime i'm transformed from meek scientist to rough redge... hahaha, okie maybe not, but still changing your own oil builds character...

the longer i wait, the more i doubt myself... when will med school replies come in? still nothing from the schools i turned in my secondaries to. i've started to think about my backup game plan if things don't work out this time around. if i get into med school i'm moving away from san diego, if i don't get into med school i'm still going to move away from san diego... i'll try to find a job doing some clinical research and then reapply with my own money... why the hell i'm i thinking about not getting into med school? i'm fuckin smart enough to get in... i have the passion... i have the drive... *sigh*...

got a random call from my friend ben... we both applied to CTY-hawaii... still waiting on that too... =/...

aside from my constant worrying that i've been rejected by both CTY and med schools, life marches on... my life in general has fallen into a predictable pattern of work, school, and gym time... inbetween i find the time to kick it with friends... today i went out for boba with momo... had a good long conversation about anything and everything and i'm glad that we both took the time to get to know each other better... we each got a chance to rant and bitch about everything that was going wrong in our respective lives...

i've gotten closer to jasmine now that i'm not in the library all the time... it's tv that always seems to bring us together... we seem to talk about the most random things... it's really nice though to have someone in the apartment i can just talk to... for awhile i withdrew myself from roomie social interactions... if only baker was home more often it would be perfect... i'd have someone to listen to my ramblings and someone else to eat my cooking... speaking of apartment situations, my parents want me to move back in after i finish this quarter... i wouldn't have a problem with it if i knew i were going to be leaving soon after, but without anything for sure in terms of school i'm left with the fear i may be stuck living at home for a while... luckily because of my lease, i won't be moving out till the beginning of may...

i've said it almost a million times already, but i miss phil, stephanie, and IG... that apartment was the center of our lives for 2 years... like monica's apartment on friends or the bar in cheers... anywho, happy new year guys... sorry we can't spend it together having dim sum...

after two incredibly stressful all nighters i'm completely done with midterms week... not one of the hardest midterm weeks or easiest, but still memorable in that im done with it. meaning, i'm done... only 5 more weeks and my undergraduate career is complete... how do i feel? it's surreal... i've become the academic equivalent of the middle child... i didn't quite finish in 4 years, but i didn't take a whole 5 years... i didn't graduate with some of my friends last year, but i'm finishing ahead of my friends who are graduating in june... still, it'll be nice to not have to worry about school for a bit before the stress of medical school hits... i'm still stressing about those interviews... it's all a waiting game and i can't stand it... please please please just give me interviews!

i finished a design for the talent show program cover... hopefully it's the one they pick... =)

the first time in a long time where i've actually had to stay up all night and study... i don't particularly like it... in the beginning it was fun and exciting... now it's just a chore to cram into my head as much as possible. i'm still waiting to hear back from johns hopkins and my med schools... everytime i check the mail i get a spike in my blood pressure... the silver lining behind all of this stressing out? by the end of this week i'll be half down with my quarter, which means only a few more weeks left of undergraduate life. strange and exciting... going to be a very nice 6 month vacation. =)

the weekend definitely flew by... only sorry i didn't get my homework done... now it's nearly 2am monday morning and i still have 2 labs reports to finish and reading for a midterm on tuesday... my eyes have been staring at computers and tvs for the past weekend... funny how i can simply pour over lines and lines of blogging, but when it comes to writing about the physiological changes in a frog's sciatic nerve i go blank... what gets me the most is that this should be easy... i should know all this stuff by heart... it should pour from my mind and fingers like water... when the hell did i get to be so lazy?

can't wait till veterens day weekend! going up to the bay to visit steph. seriously cannot wait to hang out with her... it'll be me, mayrin, and steph... only person missing is phil... that's the problem with phil being on the east coast, it's going to be tough to get the family together for dim sum... speaking of which, with the coming of chinese new year i'm kinda sad i won't be able to celebrate it with all of us together... i already miss having to wake up the kids to get ready for dim sum while me and steph are already dressed and the huge production it takes just to get us out of the door...

incidently, the weather right now has been close to amazing.. where else in the united states, besides hawaii, can you find 81 degree weather in the middle of january? kinda sad that the rest of the nation is freezing their collective butts off while the people in san diego are complaining that it's so hot...

60% of violent crimes committed against asians in america are committed by other asians... i seriously don't understand it...

name numerology

Your Heart Number is 9
Gives you a strong desire to help and to serve others. Generous and compassionate, you would probably make a good teacher or care-giver. Your desire to aid other people is your paramount concern.
wow, that was so on the ball... definitely one of the many reasons for me waiting to become a doctor is because of my desire to help others

Your Personality Number is 4
And you probably seem to be a very honest and dependable person to those around you. Even if you appear to be a bit stodgy or reserved at times, people do know that they can count on you
i don't like the fact it says i "seem" to be honest and dependable... yes, i can be reserved at times, but it makes no mention that i'm also loud and cocky at times too...i'm freakin smart!

Your Image Number is 4
And others probably view you as being fairly hard-working and dependable. You like to be seen as a very stable and secure, family-oriented individual. And you're more than willing to work hard to achieve the security you desire.
this one is also very true... unlike most guys around my age i'm already thinking about my future family... can't want to have babies! gotta love babies and their cute little feet and hands... you better believe i'm going to work my ass off to get what i want in life...

birthdate numerology

Your Life-Path Number is 1
Those around you look to you for guidance. Because of this, you may often find yourself taking on roles of leadership. Curious and enthusiastic, you are not afraid of new ideas and may even consider yourself a bit of a pioneer. You have a lot of big dreams and would like to find a way of leaving your own unique mark on the world!
ding, ding, ding!

Your Forecast Number is 5
Now's the time to take a little break and enjoy life. Since you'll be feeling restless and curious, it's a good time for travel, adventure and anything that serves to broaden your horizons. Don't be afraid to experience new things and enjoy yourself a bit.
did it know i was going through senioritis? plus with me finishing this quarter i have a 6 month summer break...

the concept of time has lost all meaning... an hour seems like mere seconds and before i realize it, it's time to go to bed... where the heck does all the time go? i suppose it's all fine and dandy when the day goes by so fast, but when i don't have any time to do stuff for myself it fuckin' sucks...

when my days get like this my senioritis tends to flare up... on the way to school from work i decided to pick up lunch from 99 ranch and ended up playing hookie from class. i'm dreading writing up that lab report for my physiology lab even though i know it's not due for another 2 weeks... that thing is going to be a bitch to get finished... i'm ready to graduate i've decided... ready to move on with my life...

just remembered what i was originally going to blog about... still concerning the 3-day weekend...

saturday was amazing... it's the middle of january when the rest of the country is freezing, i'm enjoying an iced blended coffee outside, basking in the sunlight with my friend hai. afterwards it's still so warm i decided to take a couple of laps in the pool. the smell of sunscreen always reminds me of summers has a little kid. every summer during elementary school my parents would shuttle me and my little bro to swimming leasons on base. we'd wake up every morning at 7, gather outside with all my other swimming mates, and wait for our instructors to call out our names and take us to the pool. anywho, i digress...

during the summer i decided to start swimming laps again. my motivation for it was more has an escape mechanism than for the obvious health benefits. it was during that time my grandfather was in the hospital. the first of two visits that he would be making during the summer. i came home from the hospital numb. he was comatose and couldn't speak... decided to release my pent up anger/frustration/sadness in the form of night swimming... the first couple of times i would do laps till i would literally have to drag myself out of the pool, otherwise i probably would have drowned from exhaustion... the other times that followed i would do a couple of laps and then just float... it was my own form of self therapy... i would usually think about my grandfather's mortality and my own. floating on my back the water would cover my ears and mute out the sounds of surrounding la jolla. i thought maybe this was what death was like. floating in a sea of stars, knowing the world was still revolving, but that you are no longer a part of that world. as morbid as it sounds, just about every nighttime swim ended with me dying in the pool and then reemerging... my own form of teen angst reconciliation. when school started back up again in the fall i stopped swimming simply because i couldn't find the time to do it anymore. with the incredibly warm weather i took it as a sign to swim a couple of laps...

this past saturday i died, it was wonderfully theraputic... i left my sorrows and pain from the past year to float in a sea of stars... can start the new year with a clean slate.

back to reality

the 3 day weekend is officially over. got a bit of everything done this weekend except my laundry. i have a pile of dress shirts that have been waiting to be ironed and pressed for about a week now. it's my own fault for liking oxfords so much...

the game plan for this week is just to keep up with all my work... i think i've lulled myself into a false sense of completion by taking only two classes. incidently, i think my palm pilot has disappeared...

thus far it's been a great 3 day weekend... was able to spend time with my extended family who i only see on rare occassions...

whenever the saldivar and julaton family get together for a party you can be assured of two things... kareoke and games... the parents sing kareoke while the kids becoming incredibly competitive playing board games... last night we played cranium with my team cinching the gold... we renamed our team the flying butresses since that was the word that won us the game... definitely a had to be there moment... also got to finally met my cousin's wife, amanda... pretty surreal to see that he's married considering we're just a couple of months apart in age. i always thought married people were different from the rest of us folk... they were somehow more mature than rest of the single population... in actuality there doesn't seem to be a difference between married jason versus single jason with the exception that now we're added a permanent member to our board game bunch... also came to realize last night that me and my cousins get very attached to each other's significant others... when you date someone in our family you end up dating everyone else too...

3 day weekend has officially arrived... i'm again feeding my on-line addiction instead of going to bed at a reasonable hour... finished watching "y tu mama tambien"... dirty, but good film. almost like a dirty amelie... both directors seemed to have motifs based on the the continuum of life... interesting... was finally able to afford a haircut after visiting home to get my weekly handouts from the relatives... finally gave into my curiosity and bought some hairwax. had been wanting to try it for about 6 months now... it actually styles my hair pretty nicely and the best part about it is that i don't need to wet my hair to do it... unfortunately, the wax cost more than the haircut... =T two weeks of abs and a consistent work out regime i think are starting to pay off... my little belly has begun to receede and i'm starting to see a little definition... hopefully by the time beach weather comes back i'll have a sexy body... hahahaha

my alarm tried to wake me up for an hour before i just shut it off... i called into work to tell my boss that i would come into the clinic in the afternoon to do my hours... instead of getting through to her within a minute i was put on hold and had to call back again because i was disconnected. needless to say after waiting about 5 minutes on the phone and talking to my boss i turned from near dead zombie to being wide awake. instead of the an extra two hour nap i decided to take only an hour and head back to work earlier than expected only because guilt was eating me up. today both of our interim plebotomist never showed up to work and my boss had to leave early for a funeral, leaving only one person to work in the lab.

having so little work academically i feel a bit disconnected from my purpose in life. for almost 5 years i've spent a good amount of time focused at the task at hand, medical school. now only having 2 classes and with one pass/fail and the other being a lab i feel like i've lost my purpose in life. i no longer have the excuse i can't hang out with friends because of schoolwork... i'm no longer getting more pastey because of constant hours inside of clics... without the tension of applications i'm left to stew and wait for interview requests. this week i just got word from charles drew that they were now doing a full review of my application and that they would get back to me. that school is perhaps the scariest to get work from just cuz i know what they'll be sending me. it's a postcard which simply states... yes, we're giving you and interview or no, goodluck with your other choices... it's one thing to not get an inteview it's another for everyone who handles the mail to find out about your failures. more and more i'm questioning whether or not becoming a physician is really what i want to do... yeah, i know, really late to be doubting myself... maybe it's because of that fear of failure. i have always had the mentality, if i can't succeed then don't try at all or at least switch to something you know you'll do well in. self doubt is one big bitch...

thinking i should start going back to the ER to volunteer my time and start going back to hip hop class... next week i made the resolution to attend culture shock's dance workshop and to crash rimac's hip hop classes like i did 3rd year cuz my dancing sucks... decided to add another resolution to my two... going to learn to snowboard well...

it's amazing at with only 2 classes in my arsenal i'm still desperately looking for time. lab eats up most of my day on MW and in between classes tues and thursday i'm working at the clinic. even on my completely free fridays i work full time... all of which makes me glad that i have weekends because unlike my fellow working class college students i never have to give up my free saturdays and sundays to work... i can remain blissfully comatose for as long as i want.

this week i find out if i'll be given that health assistant position in Kaneohe, HI... hence a partial reason behind my new year's resolution to get "beach fit"... wanna look good if i do end up working in paradise.

the day that would not end...

after going against my better judgement i decided to stay up late and watch Bravo's latest reality series: The Fire Within, Cirque du Soleil... incidently i now want to runaway and join the circus... knowing full well i would have to get up at 7am to go to work i still stayed up to watch it... undoubtedly my body has aged and it now takes more than 5 hours to refuel my sleep tank... work went by slowly as i hurriedly tried to get out on time so i would have enough time for lunch before class... unforetunately that wasn't the case and i ended up rushing from work to class and then going back down to work afterwards to finish up some leftover paper work... i ended up staying at work later than expected and didn't get home till 5 which left me about 15 minutes to eat before heading off to plan the APSA general body meeting. went about 10 hours before i had a bite to eat... to say that my head was pounding would be an understatement. after the glucose and alleve kicked in i was back to normal and now here i am at 1am thursday thinking about how i didn't get any homework done.

related topic..this is the dream i had right before i woke up for work... i was back in new york... i was walking through a non-descript part of the financial district when i spied a small jet flying low across the skyline. i got scared as immediate thoughts of 9/11 came rushing back... suddenly the small plane changed direction and started to crash toward me... it crash landed in front of me at a four way intersection. i've never seen someone die in front of me so the sight of watching that happen was a shocking one... the plane's hull had opened up on contact and the pilot stood up in the middle of the wreakage... he was bloodied and obviously hurt...surprisingly he co-pilot was fine and he sat on the wing as his partner in crime slowly died... the co-pilot mockingly laughed at me, which scared me, and then looked at me as the pilot collapsed. he was dead. i immediately picked up my phone and begin to walk away from the scene... while walking and talking to phil on the phone, he asked what street i was on and i looked up to read the street signs... i was at the corner of wall st. and seasame st.

the new yorker vs. the tourist

my first time to new york i really felt like a tourist... my second time around i didn't want to feel that way. although i wanted to explore the city, i wanted to be able to ride the subways without having to refer to a map and to navigate the streets without looking like the average tourist... in essence i wanted to be a new yorker or at least look the part. my standard issue new yorker clothes included a gray campus coat, vintage washed jeans, jcrew sweaters and shirts, and black leather euro shoes... according to phil i dressed more like a new yorker than he did. =)

most tourists in the city are easy to spot. they tend to wait for the crosswalk andif they do jaywalk they wait patiently on the sidewalk while the natives ready themselves on the street as taxis whiz by. tourist also apologize for bumping into you. according to my data, as a whole new yorkers are rude. i can see why though... having to share the city with everyone else and then having to share it with the myriad of tourists that flood the streets. i'd be pretty impatient too.

only tourists flock times square. that part of the city is amazing though. it's almost entirely run by disney, but the neon lights, the bigger-than-life signs, and the vibe are things you can't find in san diego. my first adventure by out by myself found me exploring most of the city. perhaps the one thing that made me feel like a new yorker was the fact that phil's place was also my place. it was home for a week. as corny as it sounds, having my own set of keys i think really tied me to new york. while riding the subway i would look around and see the tourists and think "hey, while you're going back to your overpriced hotel room... i'm going home to brooklyn..."

first day of school

i'll continue with my new york adventures in another posting... today was the official start of my last quarter at UCSD... had my animal physiology lab today which ran from 11-4... to say i was lost would be an understatement... i'm hopeful that once we start up with "real" physiology material it'll all come back to me. so weird to be back in the APSA loop... no longer have applications to worry about. just worrying now whether or not these schools will grant me interviews... i've decided to let fate take over in terms of my career path. if med school was meant to happen, it will... just have to trust that.

my left shoulder is killing me... dunno if it was from wrestling with my little bro on sunday or from working out today... i think maybe it's a combination of the two... i'm dreading coming back to work... in addition to the 10 other tasks that will need my attention i can just imagine the large pile of paperwork waiting for me.as well... sometimes i wonder what would happen if i decided i wanted to give them my 2 weeks notice...

for christmas i got the sims on-line. i'm still undecided about whether or not i like it... even on-line i seem to be introverted... to me it seems more like a glorified chat room than an alternate universe to play in. people seem to drag in their personal lives into the role they're playing... funny thing, today i found a whore house and gay fight club in the city my sim lives in... maybe i'll pay both a visit.

happy new year

chinatown and sago tea
after literally a week of playing in the big city i'm back home in temperate san diego. so many experiences i want to talk about... in hindsight i should have taken more snapshots. using the new york subway system wasn't as daunting as i thought it would be and on my first night by myself i did a pretty good job of covering major ground. started off around nyu, had myself a slice of pizza, walked around the crowded streets of time square, and then had a late night dinner in chinatown with phil and mayrin. although new york seems to lack the type of asian population similar to southern california, their chinatown definitely beats san diego's convoy... actually any chinatown can beat convoy. in addition to being close to phil's apartment by subway, you get an awesome view of the manhattan skyline everytime you go. day or night the city looks great from the manhattan bridge. my first day i wanted to grab a boba, but in new york it's called sago... (which is funny since that's the tagalog word for boba) i was confused and had to ask to the lady if they served pearl milk tea... the boba market in new york hasn't experienced the type of saturation that plaques/blesses southern california... interestingly though there is a boba shop in the famous new york macy*s...

there's another chinatown in flushing, queens that we went to... we went into bakery/boba shop that had your common tea menu... you had your regular milk teas, shakes, snow bubbles, etc, etc, etc... sad thing was whenever mayrin ordered, they were somehow out of it... after two failed attempts at ordering the lady behind the counter finally told her that they only had coffee and tea...