i just moved into my new xanga... from here on out i guess i'll be posting from there, unless i figure out i don't like. feel like i shouldn't sulley my new canvas with a random entry until i get some intelligent entries going...

i went to the dentist finally after almost 2 years of not visiting for my bi-annual cleaning. i was never afraid of the dentist until my insurance plans switched. up until then i had an awesome dentist who had seen me ever since i was a little kid. in fact, i volunteered in his office during my senior year in high school to see if i wanted to become a dentist. it wasn't for me... a bit too boring... later that year i found out that dentist have the highest rates of suicides among medical professionals. anywho, after my insurance switched i ended up at this bitch of a dentist who didn't even polish my teeth when i came in for a cleaning.... she just used a water-pik and on top of that she was rude. so after that horrible experience with the new dentist i didn't make any new appointments to get my teeth cleaned. anywho, my parents just found me a new dentist and my whole family likes her so i decided to make an appointment. when i walked in the receptionist mistook me for my little bro... turns out that my upper wisdom teeth don't pose a problem, but my bottom wisdom teeth which haven't fully come out are impacted. she referred me to an oral surgeon who is going to take an arch x-ray to see if removing them is necessary. i'm hoping the answer is no, since graduation is less than 4 weeks away and i wouldn't want to be all swollen during graduation.

i've decided to move my bloggie to xanga... i like the fact it's so easy to link up to other blogs and you can join web rings... more importantly blogger has been dragging it's feet on providing its premium service which is what i really want... just want to be able to post pictures along with my blogs... anywho, when i finish creating it, i'll post up the link...

last night before i fell asleep took a relationship attraction quiz... here are my results

You have a dazzling personality
You're a pillar of strength and stability for the people in your life. You're responsible, loyal, and hardworking. In a crisis, you're definitely a man who can "come to the rescue." In fact, you're known for your common sense advice and business savvy. Your life is very ordered and busy since you're always juggling your career, family and friends, and community involvement. But you have room in your life for someone special. You're not someone who "wears his heart on his sleeve" so those close to you don't always know how you feel. However, they always know they can count on you to do what you say and say what you mean.

in terms of my match it basically said what i've known for a while... i have very high standards and that might stand in the way of me finding my soulmate... damn...

end scene

tonight was our closing APSA board meeting... only had 3 points of business to discuss and then rest of the meeting was devoted to an activity where we wished each of the board members goodbye... one of those crying meetings... starting to hit me that within 4 weeks this place i called my safe space will be gone... the overarching theme of the night was that we will never be given a space like this again... so true... there aren't that many places where you can discuss what it means to be asian american while making the best friends of your life. my friends and apsa are mutually inclusive...

i felt like such a yuppie this weekend... i bought a bottle of evian water... actually more or less just to see if it tasted any different... i really couldn't even tell the difference... in fact, i think arrowhead bottled water tastes just as good.

my uncle just bought a new land cruiser... it's a pretty sweet ride. i got to play around with it when i went to my grandmother's house for mother's day.

i was at tgi.friday's tonight (the second time this weekend) for my friend steph's bday when i heard this song which reminded me of this kpop song which i loved back in the day... searching for it on kazaa, but it's a no go... anyone one have "the bros - win win" mp3?

Happy Mother's Day!

i feel like i've been in an artistic rut... haven't taken any new photographs lately and my idea to start painting hasn't fully developed. i still have an idea for a series of small paintings i want to do, but i keep putting it off because the funding for the brushes, paint, and canvas has been reallocated to more important things, like eating and bills. still can't seem to get my film for the asian film festival off the ground. =/... need inspiration to give me a great big kick in the butt.

i tend to place the needs of others before myself, which usually ends up catching up with me in the end. my goal of self-improvement has taken a bit of a step back with all the other obligations in my life... it's like a horrible cycle i need to break. i think i just need some time to tackle life on my own. i just need that time where i can stay in my little cocoon and transform myself into the person that i want to be. speaking of transformations, has anyone seen that show on ABC "extreme make-overs"? they take people's physical flaws and fix them up... this one girl on the show had really big lips so they removed some of the extra tissue and while they were at it they whitened her teeth, gave her lasik surgery, and gave her a tummy tuck. i take it as the easy fix to a a perfect body. the show so perfectly embodies what Americans are known for, the want for instant gratification. this is why eating disorders are dominantly a western disease because we're given these molds of perfection everyone should adhere to.

the second/last night of pcc was definitely of tha hook... so good! definitely made me proud to be a part of what could only be described as a full out production... i know i've said that before, but until you've actually seen it it's hard to explain the caliber of show we put on. big props to abe and jay for writing it and allowing me to be a part of their vision. i'm wondering now if i'll get that pcc-withdrawl everyone is talking about. i think i'll miss the excitement of performing more than the practices. there was just a wonderful energy when we were backstage in the wings getting ready. tonight my friends bought me flowers. =) i felt so proud just walking around afterwards with my two big bouquet of flowers... it was like "my friends love me this much!"...

with pcc done i'm trading in one set of stress for another... APSA Grad Banquet is coming at the end of this month.

i'm the type of individual that believes everything that happens in our life happens for a reason and that the people we meet along the way serve a purpose in our path. for some it may be to show us the complusary nature of friendships and building lasting relationships, while others may be simply to temper us so we're more critical of the trust we give... however, there are some people who i just don't know where they fit in... i refuse to believe that they are just extraneous variables to this equation i'm trying to figure out. during our last rehearsal for the show the tech guy told us "the answer is only a question away". although he was referring to the role we played in the show, it holds true for many other aspects of life. so often we fail to ask that question. so maybe following that fortune cookie wasn't has ill quided as i had once thought...

pilipino cultural celebration opening night was just amazing... despite the fact we never had a full out run through the show went off splendidly... unlike most pcns it was more than just a skit with dances put in... it was in fact, an all out production... sets, songs, and original songs... talking to a friend post-show we talked about how as a first timer to the pcc way of life you feel a bit isolated and get this "i hate this shit" feeling, but when it's all said and done you love the process. so very true. anywho, the last show is tonight and my parents are coming... yay!

i miss disneyland caramel apples...

pilipino cultural celebration is less than 24 hours away... my legs and voice and tired... we haven't had a full dress rehearsal and i'm afraid our first one will turn out be our first performance on stage tonight.... everyone says it will come together... let's just pray that it all does...

when we were dancing in front of the mirrors i started to notice how skinny i was... mayn! so much for working out every other day and getting beach fit... =/... i think i need to hired a personal trainer because obviously trying to do this on my own isn't working. anyone know of any free personal trainers? once pcc is done and a have a little more time to myself then i'll try to get back to the gym... if i don't stay in san diego for post bacc work and have to leave my apartment i don't know what i'll do in terms of working out. hopefully my next apartment will have a gym as good as the one i'm going to now... they have free rec classes and awesome facilities... at my last apartment i thought the gym was pretty good, but the one i'm going to now makes it look like a gym you'd find in someone's garage...

still waiting to hear back from ucsf... please please please give me an interview! all i want is an interview...

so last month i received a fortune cookie that said to follow the advice of my heart. i kept the fortune in my wallet and decided to make decisions based on what my heart was telling me... all i can say is stupid ass fortune cookie!

it recently came to my attention that the ads blogger puts up are selected based upon what the author writes on his/her blog...my friend is boycotting blogger because one of the ads she got on her site was for a mail-order bride company. obviously there isn't anyone screening for the content of these ads. so i checked my roomie jas's blog and the ad on her blog was for "happiness pills"... hehehe... i guess when you use your blog to gripe it figures you're super depressed and need medication... this is all funny because jas is one of the happiest and sweetest people i know! maybe i should consider moving my blog to xanga or livejournal...

i'll be glad when pcc is finally done and over with. today was just a long ass day. i went to work and afterwards went straight to rehearsals and didn't get home till around midnight tonight... tomorrow looks to be another long day. we're finally going to do a full run through.. so sad, we don't even know how the story ends...

it was nice to get back to work... and i actually caught up with everything and hopefully tomorrow will be an easy day. i'm dreading the fact that i have to tell my boss i won't be coming into work on friday because of my performance. but ehhh... she can fire me... hahaha... i doubt that, but i'm sure she'll be upset nonetheless.

i know i should be getting myself to bed now... esp since i went through my AIM list and g'nited all my friends, but i've always had a hard time trying to falling of asleep even when i'm tired. i'm jealous of the people who can just forget their worries, relax, and fall asleep anywhere and anytime. for me all the conditions have to be just right on top of the fact my mind has to be completely blank. i have to make a concerted effort to not think about anything when i try to fall asleep because it always seems that when i lay my head on my pillow all the troubles i put aside in the back of my head creep back up. usually it's my own insecurities that get the best of me. as i slowly approach the point at which my career should start taking shape i'm left with the afterthought of "what now?" more so about relationships or lack thereof. i can't help but feel i'm either being punished for picking a career that doesn't facilitate finding your soulmate or it's just karmic tribution on my part because i'm apparently so evil no one wants to be with me? i think this is an all time high in consecutive blogs that i'm made mention to the fact i'm alone... how depressing, i should stop wallowing in my own selfpity. if i ever make mention of this fact in the near future feel free to tell me to get over it. i think it's the fact i'm suffering pre-mature old maid syndrome... my mom once told me that if i stay picky for the rest of my life i'm going to end up like her sister, who not coincidently is still single and now currently leaves with my family... i used to be so confident.... i used to think i was the golden child now i feel more like eddie murphey... thinking about it now, the fact that i'm done with school probably is a good reason behind why i've just now come this realization... all this free time is bad for my self image. when i was busy with school i could easily ignore myself and concentrate on school, friends, and APSA... well, i think i just about managed to empty my brain contents on this blog so now i can go to sleep with a clear mind.... g'nite friends...

why is it whenever I count my chickens before they hatch they always end up being stillborn? =/

i went to the APSA meeting and stayed longer than i had expected. my punishment. i got another parking ticket! freakin regents! i graduate yet they still take more of my money. =/... speaking of money i just got in my new checks in the mail. first time i've actually spent money on designer checks... i'm usually too cheap and just get the standard checks that my bank gives me for free. i received word from davis that i won't be getting an interview. =( somewhat disappointed, but not really concerned. like i said before it's now a matter of fate. if i get in, then i was really meant to become a doctor. if not, then it's time i look inside myself and see what other plans are in store for me. on the bright side of things if i don't get into any post bacc program it means i wasn't meant to be alone for the next 8 years of life. any takers? i'm cute, smart, funny, and know how to cook!

my dad just bought my car some new tires! woo hoo. i told him i'd repay him back sometime down the line with a new set of tires along with a new benz. lets hope i can make good on my promise. i knew i shouldn't have taken that nap today... it's going to be so hard to go to sleep tonight...

i called in sick again at work today. my boss actually called me back to see how i was doing which really caught me off guard.... good thing i still had my raspy morning voice. i always feel guilty calling in sick which is why i like it better when all i have to do is leave a voicemail for my boss. the first of the month is always the busiest since we're shipping out all last month's samples. since i'm the only one who's computer literate in the lab they need me to ship out the samples. hence the reason i feel somewhat guilty for not being there, but i think i'm justified in needing my rest. anywho, my boss was asking if i had been to the doctor since she would need a note from her if was going to be out for more than 3 days. but i should be back to normal by tomorrow if i get a good night's rest. i may even go to work for a full 8 hours! i really should take this job more seiously. i've always had the mentality that since i'm a student i'm given special provisions in the work place. ie. time off for midterms and finals, calling in sick if i need to study, coming in late if i need to talk to a professor, etc, etc, etc. as you can see i don't really take my work all too seriously at the research clinic.

quiz-o-rama
so apparently i am every bit as angelic as i thought... hahaha...

while reading about the different levels of hell i found out the deepest level of hell, level 9, is actually cold and icy and not hot with fire... so i guess the saying "when hell freezes over" doesn't apply since it's already frozen...

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

now this is funny...


narcissistic


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

it's the second night i find myself in a self-prescribed drug stupor. i'm really glad that i don't have school anymore, otherwise i would not be a good place right now. the APSA business machine is chugging along fine without my presence at tonight's board meeting. hopefully a full night's rest is all need to be 100% percent again.

my plans for the summer should start to materialize within the next two weeks. this week i should be hearing back from UCDavis as to a possible interview. i'm a bit nervous. although i think i'm now at a place in my life where i'm willing to pick up the pieces if i don't make it into any of the programs i applied to and start fresh. deep down though i know i made the right decision. i'm leaving the rest up to fate to decide whether or not it's going to happen. my trip to new york has been put on hold until i can figure out my career situation. until then i'll just be waiting for phil to get his ass back on the west coast.

PCC is just around the corner. the show is this weekend. not being able to practice on stage i think has left many of the performers out of sync with the show. we still have yet to see any of the sets or even do a full run through with tech and sound. i honestly think the caliber show we're putting on is going to be far and beyond what people are expecting, but i'm just scared it won't come together in the end. i still don't think i play a convincing medic... haha

when the doctor is sick, who the heck takes care of him?

so i think i have the flu. the reason i dismissed having the flu in the first place was because i gotten my flu shot at the beginning of the flu season. but i guess all the symptoms are there. maybe i have a different mutation of this year's flu. i couldn't go back to bed after i called in sick to work so i made myself some homemade chicken noodle soup. none of the cambells crap in a can for me. i can't remember if the old saying is "starve a cold and feed a fever" or the other way around. doesn't matter i've basically been stuffing my face and drinking lots and lots of juice and water.

i got a call from the ucsf admissions people and they still hadn't recieved my transcripts so i had to go fax them a copy to tide them over until my official ones come in. i went down to the "business center" of our apartment, but the stupid machine wasn't even working. walked down to the postal annex since i was planning to buy some juice and tissue at vons next door. i paid nearly 6 bucks for that freakin fax! what the hell? i could have drove home to fax my transcripts and with the long distance plus gas it still would have been cheaper.

bah... so my SARS seems to have mutated into allergies. running nose, itchy and watery eyes... don't really have a sore throat anymore, but my nose is raw from all the blowing and wiping.

blogging from the confines of my bed. my head hurts, my muscles aches, and i'm probably dehydrated. after going downtown to watch a play me and mayrin went to sav-on to buy some alleve and powerade. the very taste of powerade/gatorade lets me know i'm sick. in fact, just drinking it conjures up images of me with the stomach flu and that nasty feeling right before you throw up. but i drink it nevertheless because i'm prolly really dehydrated. one of the sorrows of living on your own is having to take care of yourself when you sick. =( anywho, i just popped 2 alleve and some cough medicine so hopefully i'll be able to sleep tonight.

bah.. it's official i'm sick and a full day of rehearsals isn't going to help me feel better. body aches and a sore throat. checked the medicine cabinet and i'm all out of tylenol. =(

pcc rehearsals again tonight. so sad. for my dance we never have the full set of people. always missing people here and there. bah. i ended up jetting after on of the coordinators watched us do a run through and said we were good. i didn't know were doing a whole dance run through later now. ehhh... i know my dance, just don't know about the others.

i had to drop off my car at home since my dad is going to get the tires changed on saturday. in exchange i'm driving my mom's camry. i was hoping i'd get to drive my dad's benz, but obviously that didn't happen. i'm dead tired so i'll update the rest of my day after i get some sleep. damn, looks like i'll only be getting one full REM cycle tonight.

so i'm sick. i woke this morning with a scratchy throat and a really hoarse voice... i called in sick to work today. i feel like staying in bed, but i know if i do that i'm just going to end up feeling even more shit. i think the sorry state of my room has something to do with the fact i feel like shit. i have a pile of laundry and shirts that need to be folded and ironed. i also have to come up with a workshop activity for APSA retreat by tonight. bah... going to wash up and try to clean up my room...

just finished washing my sheets... *sniffs*... why is it the smell of clean laundry just puts people at ease? my bed feels so nice right now... it's like i just got my cloud washed or something... haha...

today after work i decided to swim some laps since the weather has finally gotten to the point where i won't freeze when i get out of the pool. i ended up swimming for about a half hour and afterwards i was just mess. my heart rate was incredibly fast and my head was spinning. i didn't know what was wrong. my breathing was erratic too. i thought i was going to barf on my way back the apartment. i ended up passing out on my bed until it was time for the grad banquet meeting. now my sheets kinda smell like chlorine since i didn't shower right after the pool. =/... not good. i have this thing where i can't lie in my bed if i'm wearing my street clothes, only bedtime clothes are allowed to touch my bed. so before i passed out i just put on my bedtime shorts and passed out. i didn't know what was wrong with me though. i couldn't slow down my breathing and i think i feel asleep with my heart rate still racing. goes to show the sorry state of my health.

i checked my checking account.. i literally have no money. i put in 500 to cover my rent and the new balance in my account was 500. hahaha... i hate not having money. i'm so bad with it. it's not like i haven't been watching what i spend it's just that i have stupid debts i need to pay. if anyone wants to be my sugar momma or daddy and pay off my debts i'm sure we could work out something... ;P

i personally find this amazing... in the news today a research scientist accidently discovered a mouse that has a genetic resistance to cancer. they breed the mouse and find that it's most likely a dominant genetic trait. the implications of such a find are just awe-inspiring... yes, i'm a big science nerd.

instead of sleeping for most of my day off i had a breakfast date with my friend rachel. then headed to campus to run some errands for grad banquet, which finally looks like it's taking shape. =) went back home to help my little bro rent a tux for his prom. since i have better fashion sense than him i picked it out for him. he's going to look quite sharp at his prom i must say. i ended paying for the whole rental as my birthday gift to him. i know if my parents had gone with him they would have cheaped out on everything and just made my little bro anger and sad. also found out that my little bro is going to be a college man =) so proud... he'll be going to cal state san marcos. hopefully gain some independence and mature a bit...

after what can only be described as an agonizing night i found myself strangely at peace in the morning. the sun was shining and it was finally starting to feel like spring has finally arrived. i guess you could say today was just full of blessings. in addition to the wonderful spring time weather i got my UCLA application sent out and got my transcripts mailed to my remaining schools. i actually got to work 15 minutes early which is amazing since i'm habitually late. my boss even asked me if i wanted to take tuesday and thursday off since the clinic has been so slow lately. on top of that i was able to leave work an hour early to drop off some samples at the hospital. in what can only be described an a totally random occurance i found a perfectly good cucumber on the ground on the mail to my mailbox. normally i wouldn't think about picking up and taking home produce i find on the ground, but in this case i made the exception since it was one of those expensive seedless cucumbers that's shrink wrapped. to finish off the great day my book from barnes and noble came in. i'm going to start reading for fun again. something i haven't done in a long time.

starting to hit me that my time in this apartment is limited. i've talked to jas almost on a daily basis about what my plans are and it's really nice to know that she doesn't want me to leave. if given the option to stay i would consider it, but i think my time here is done. i've reached that point where i can't grow anymore. i feel like peter pan and that it's my time to leave never never land. i've pretty much got my sights on irvine and the bay as possible places i could see myself going to school for the next year. a new crowd and a fresh slate i think would do me some good.

tomorrow i have the day off so i'm going to take advantage of it. breakfast date in the morning, finish up the last of the post bacc bizness, talk to saundra the director of the ucsd program, sell some grad banquet tickets, and then take my little bro out to go tuxedo shopping.

i was brushing my teeth and reading the tube of toothpaste when i was suddenly reminded of my grandfather... i was transported back to all the times he would ask me to drive him to the store so he could buy some colgate. at times i would be a little brat and say i was busy or that i would do it later. he was always so patient and understanding. i remember too how he would always kiiss me on the forehead before he asked me if we could go to the store. he would always sing songs to me too. i remember how paper thin the skin on his hands felt when he rubbed the back of my neck... that was back in the day when i was driving around my dad's old celica, which i hated... he would tell me that if he had a million dollars he would buy me whatever car i wanted. afterwards he would ask if i wanted a hamburger. he loved hamburgers. times like this i really wish he was buried here. at least then i would have a place to go to talk to him. not like this. typing away my thoughts. internalizing my grief. why the fuck was i such a fucking brat? i hate myself right now... please forgive me.

yes! just finished all my post bacc applications. all i need to do is send out my transcripts and i'll be done. only problem is i don't remember which schools i've already sent out my transcripts to. damn it. this is why you should keep your receipts... bah, so dumb... how sad is that? i can't keep track of the work i've done and yet i want to be a doctor... haha. seriously trust me. i'm smart. =P

bleh... i hate doing these personal statements for applications. it's so much easier to be eloquent in person than it is to spout wisdom via type... maybe it's just because i know what i say will have an affect on my future... here in blogspace i can type forever it seems. i'm getting that same feeling of apathy and boredom that only comes around midterms and finals week... funny thing is my friends are the ones who are in midterms not me. i'm done. now for a little something innane...

50 things about reggie...

1) I was born in Olongapo City, Philippines. My dad didn't get to see me until i was about a couple of months old since he was in the United States at the time.
2) I talk to myself while driving alone in the car.
3) I fold my toilet paper now... i used to scrunch it
4) back in high school i was addicted to IRC (internet relay chat)
5) my current on-line addiction is reading blogs
6) i have an extreme fear of failure and rejection.
7) related to #6, hence the reason i rarely play sports
8) i have never been in a longterm relationship
9) i used to want to be a raver
10) i also used to want to supe up my car to be a little asian racer guy
11) i didn't know what a B.S. stood for until the end of my 2nd year of college
12) i don't like being the center of attention, but i crave personal one-on-one attention
13) i always do the sign of the cross and touch the rosary in my car before i drive
14) i go to church every sunday, but don't really agree with the catholic church
15) it takes me forever to finish doing my laundry
16) when i'm sad i cry and when i'm mad i cry
17) i love jack in the box tacos even though i know they're crap
18) i've eaten mac and cheese less than 10 times in my lifetime
19) given the choice of jeans and boxers i'd probably buy the boxers
20) I've never had to spend the night in the hospital or go to the ER.
21) Ever since the drought that happened in southern cali back in the 80s i've always taken really short showers
22) i eat really fast. by the time i'm done with dinner my parents are just sitting down to the table
23) when i'm at home i only eat about 6 tablespoons of rice with my meal while the rest of my family always fills their plates
24) when i was young i thought eating too much could kill you. i overfed my goldfish
25) my mother is half chinese but doesn't know how to use chopsticks
26) i don't like getting my skin tanned
27) i used to want to a ninja. i used to practice my stealth moves on the roof of our house
28) i pluck the hairs inbetween my two eyebrows
29) i like hiphop but i don't like clubbing
30) i used to play the piccolo in high school
31) i never feared being alone until i realized that i was the only one amongst my friends w/o a significant other
32) i believe in finding one's soul mate
33) it takes me 30 minutes to fall asleep even when i'm dead tired
34) even if it's 80 degrees i still need to have my down comforter on top of me before i fall asleep
35) i can lucid dream
36) i think chinky eyes are damn sexy
37) my parents forced me to practice my handwriting and typing when i was little
38) i only talk in my sleep when i'm feeling anxious
39) i'm selfish when it comes to sharing stuff with my little bro, but i don't think twice when it comes to friends
40) my most "daring" piece of clothing is a leather cuff i bought from urban outfitters
41) if i'm home in the afternoon i like to watch Arthur and Zoom
42) i've traveled up the whole west coast into canada in a single trip
43) i can only play video games if it's with someone else otherwise i get bored easily
44) out of all the people i've randomly met on-line i have yet to meet one in person
45) i think kissing is an even more intimate exchange between two people than having sex is
46) i stretch every morning in bed after i wake up
47) i try to wash my car every week
48) i sometimes grind my teeth while i sleep
49) my parents once thought a midget at school was beating me up to do his homework
50) if i see something wrong i rarely point it out... ie. food in your teeth or your fly is down...

wow, that was a lot harder than i had thought... kinda fun though... a lot better than working on my applications =)

phew... found my camera... yeah i had it with me during rehearsal and yes i left it there... feeling sheepish now... jumped to all these weird conclusions...

day not going so well... can't seem to find my digital camera... i swear i brought it to rehearsal with me last night... it was in my backpack... i really hope i find it otherwise i'm assuming some bastard took it out of my backpack during practice... =/ so yeah, i ransacked my apartment and room trying to find it. no where... this isn't a good feeling...

Which Evangelion Child Are You?

today was just a long day... i woke up early because i had a breakfast date, but ended up cancelling because i wanted to sleep some more and it turned out my friend wasn't even up yet. ended up sleeping another two hours. it's those last bits of sleep when i get the most vivid and weird dreams. this one in particular is going to need a bit of analysis before i post it. had a long productive day at work. it turned out the work i did the day before, cataloging samples, was done in vain since i was working with the wrong set of boxes =/... so i had to go back to the morgue and do it all over again. afterwards i headed to the mall to buy my friend his bday gift and then got home in a enough time to check my e-mail and then catch the bus to campus for pcc practice. i like taking the shuttle from my apartment to school. makes me feel urban, like i'm back in new york.. hahaha.. had practice for two hours, then i was picked up by angeline to go downtown for our friend's bday dinner. we went to this persian restaurant in downtown which was incredibly hot. the heater must have been on or the air conditioning broke because i was constantly drinking water in order to keep myself cool. afterwards we headed over to jerry's place to play some games and eat birthday cake. so yeah, it's about 1:30am and i'm finally home. have practice again tomorrow and another bday dinner to attend to as well. anywho, just want to find the time to sit back and relax. i did get a call from a good friend of mine today which was an extra special treat. =) i plan to finish my post bacc apps by sunday. no ifs, ands, or buts...

the applications to ucla and ucsd are still sitting on my desk wondering when they'll be ready to leave... argh. i've been so busy and so lazy since the deadline is a month away, but i know the sooner i send them out the sooner i'll find out where i'll be next year. so yeah, i'll try to send them out by monday. so my trip to new york is up in the air... the possibility of receiving an interview while in new york is just too great for me to leave the west coast anytime soon. i wanted to go the last week of may or first week of june, but i know that'll be when all my schools will probably start calling me. too bad there is literally no time between my graduation ceremony and me leaving for where ever i'm suppose to end up.

so i've taken up this weird habit... i've started to brush my teeth while in bed. already my friend, angeline, thinks i'm lazy since i have an electric toothbrush... i didn't get the idea to brush my teeth while in bed by myself though, i remember seeing my wifey steph do it while sleeping over one night... makes sense though, gives me extra time for my body to get used to being up... hahaha... i'm still lying down, but i'm awake and brushing my teeth. talk about multitasking! not so weird though since i'm one of those people that likes to walk around while brushing my teeth anyway.

just about had the scare of my life... i received a call from the UCDavis admissions people about my post bacc application and while i'm talking to her in midsentence my cordless phone begins to emit that familiar beep which means it's about to die.... note: the battery in my cordless phone has been slowly dying since it's had one too many recharges and needs to be replaced... anywho, while she was talking to me about my transcripts i'm frantically trying to get to another phone... i pick up the phone's base unit, but can't hear a thing since my phone has a feature that prevents people from eavesdropping on your call if you're using the cordless unit... so while i'm trying to figure out how to turn it off and only half listening to the lady my phone dies... fuck! so i immediately scramble to find her number admist all my papers...i find her number and call her back, but the line is busy and sends me to straight to her voicemail. i leave a curt and polite voicemail apologizing for the phone incident and ask her to call me back ASAP. i sit at my desk agonizing for a call when i decide to just call her back myself. she picks up and we both laugh because she thought i was no longer interested in the program since i hung up on her and seemed like i wasn't paying attention on the phone eariler... anywho, good news i should find out if i get an interview by the first week in may.

today at work i actually felt productive... =) unfortunately most of my time was spent at the "freezer farm"... i call it the morgue. it's this building tucked in the corner of the healthcare campus where we keep all the old plasma, serum, and blood samples... it's just full of freezers as the name says... the atmosphere just reminds me of a morgue, the flickering lights and the low humming of a dozen freezers... there is even a freezer called a coffin freezer since the door flips up like a coffin... so yeah, i really hate going down there by myself. my imagination gets the best of myself... i think i've seen too many scary movies... had to inventory a whole freezer full of samples and was only able to get to 3% of the contents... i just realized i only have a couple of weeks left at the clinic... i still need to raise enough money to pay off my stupid gapcard and jcrew accounts... plus i was planning on going to new york before graduation. aiyah, i hate not having money...

oh yeah, so i got my blood drawn today... i was really nervous at first, which is strange since i'm normally not afraid of needles. but i figure i'll be doing this for a living so i sucked it up and watched as the nurse looked for a vein and stuck me with the needle... it was interesting to watch her draw my blood... yeah i'm a weirdo like that

skipped work today in the hopes that some work would build up for me to do... let's hope that my theory is correct...

monday monday monday

work today was incredibly slow... i spent most of my time surfing the internet and reading blogs. by the time 1 o'clock hit i was so bored i told my boss that there was nothing to do and that i would just see her and rest of the staff tomorrow morning... in thinking about the lack of work i've had this past week i think i'm going to take tomorrow off in the hopes that some type of work will build up so that at the very least i'll be kept busy for a full day next time i come back in. the APSA board meeting ran late as usual... i didn't get back till 1 this morning. =P so proud of myself though... when i got home i started a pot of rice and made myself a very decent dinner... seasame beef and steamed bak choy with oyster sauce... =)

with the prospect of not having work tomorrow i'm already planning out what i want to get done tomorrow... i need to finish my UCLA application, go to Marshall advising and find out when my degree will be posted to account, and then plan out the APSA general body meeting with the rest of the peanut gallery...

blah, the stupid N on my keyboard is peeling off slowly but surely.. it's now starting to look like the I key... i wonder if that's covered under my warranty? or if that's just part of the wear and tear of it?

just watched the matrix with the roomies and we came to the general concensus that keanu sounds just like zoolander

Happy Easter!

unlike more other catholic families, easter sunday doesn't really represent anything much... just a day for the family to dress up and go out to eat, but what's the difference between this sunday and any other sunday? nothing really. being away from my apartment from morning to night makes it feel like i've been away for ages. today i dabbled in more of the "manly arts"... hahaha... i checked my brakes today on my own. i'm trying to prevent myself from becoming a yuppie... i figure as long as i can work on my car on my own, that'll prevent me from totally falling into the suburbanian trap of yuppism...

last year when i was studying for the mcats and in general worrying about my future i developed a weird eye twitch... if you just looked at me you really wouldn't notice it... you'd have to really be in my face to see that my right lower eye lid was twitching, but still it was noticable... my first thought was that i had developed some weird type of neurological disorder and that my nerves were just randomly firing... i imagined myself degrading into a mass of twitching muscle later on down the line... after i let my imagination get the best of me i figured it was all merely caused by the stress of everything... after i finished the MCATs that annoying eye twitch disappeared. *phew*... however, with me working on my applications for post bacc programs the twitch is back... fucking great i thought... the funny thing is i didn't think i was under that much stress to begin with. in the interest of stopping the twitches i'm going to try and finish all my applications by today so i don't have to think about them anymore. scary thought for the future though, what will happen when i'm in med school and i'm constantly under stress? maybe a i little botox treatment to my eye lids would do the trick... hahaha

better luck tomorrow was awesome... highly recommend it =) i would describe it has the asian version of requiem for dream but not as dark...

what a difference a day off makes...

i was able to finish all my personal statements for the post bacc programs i'm applying to... actually it was a matter of cutting and pasting my first personal statement and editing it a bit... now all the thinking stuff for those applications are done..

in a bit of poetic irony i was driving to the coffee bean and noticed that a couple were pushing their car off to the side of the road... well, on my way back home to my apartment i saw that the tow truck had finally arrived... tthe ironic part... that the truck's hood was up, meaning he was out of comission just like the car he was trying to tow away...

the weather has been on the fritz here in san diego... this morning it was cloudy and rainy, get out for lunch it's so warm i go out in my polo shirt, and then come night time i'm back in my wool pea coat... the ucsd super computer/weather controling machine must have a virus of some sort...

watched face off with jasmine and adam tonight... the movie was classic john woo with the slow motion cinematography, white doves, and lots of action... the story in itself was a bit lame, but it was cool to see margaret cho...

just discovered a song by brian mcknight... the weird thing about it is that he's singing in tagalog... actually it's pretty good although he sings with an american accent so it's kinda hard to understand what he's trying to sing... from what i gathered he actually worked with a couple of big artists in the philippines...

work at the clinic has come to a standstill... at one point we were scrambling for staff since it was just 3 of us... now we have 6 people working in the lab! with the increase in staff and just the general slowness of the clinic this past week i've been thinking about putting in my 2 weeks sooner than expected... i mean, at the present moment it's nice to make money, but in that same token i would be nice to just be on vacation with nothing to do... anywho, the clinic this past week as just been incredibily slow... i find myself surfing the internet and reading blogs. it was so slow today that my boss suggested i take off early and take tomorrow off since there were only a handful of shceduled patients. she even gave two of the lab peple hour and a half lunches today =)

i know there was something i really wanted to blog about, but it escapes me at the moment... the plan of the day tomorrow is to sleep in and then send off my davis application after polishing it at the coffee bean.

bah... wireless internet is giving me and jasmine a headache... don't understand it... sometimes it works great and other times it's just a big pain in the butt... =P

the weather man says we can expect rain in the next couple of days... i'm praying it doesn't rain when i go up to LA this weekend... going to visit the Japanese National History Museum and possibly watch a friend perform in UCLA's Korean Culture Night...

as of late my wireless internet connection has been giving me and my roomie, jas, a headache... sometimes it works fine and other times it likes to be a little punk and not work... bah... the weather man said today it was going to rain again this week... i'm actually looking forward to it... give me a good reason to stay in doors and work on my applications...

with little fanfare i closed a chapter of my life today... i won't be returning to LA for the summer... for the past 3 years I've worked with Johns Hopkins University with their Center For Talented Youth Program (what a mouth full!) first as an RA and then just this past year one of the Health Assistants... i really can't speak highly enough of the program... really allowed to grow as an individual... it was the first time in my life i had lived away from home for an extended period of time and i've gained so many wonderful connections because of it... in fact, two of my favorite residents still talk to me on a regular basis. this summer i'm planning to start work on the reapplication process for med school which means no more CTY. came to the conclusion today that becoming a doctor is what i truly want to do and therefore i refuse to let anyone's opinions or my own fears stop me from doing it... i got my fire back! =)

wanted to see if colorgenics could accurately figure out how i was emotionally... some of the things it said were right on the balll...


You are trying to evade your problems and difficulties and tensions by 'leaping before you look'. This could be construed as a 'panic' situation and panic is an irrational fear - 'loss of control'. You are desperately seeking a way out of it all and because of any headstrong decisions that you may be making this could lead to an extremely dangerous situation. Slow down - matters seem to find a way of resolving themselves. Without sounding complacent remember that 'all's well that ends well'.

Being a somewhat gentle, emotional and sensitive person, you are at this time experiencing a considerable amount of tension. What you really need is someone who can be close to you and to listen to what you have to say.

You have a high opinion of yourself. It is perhaps because of this self-centeredness that you become exasperated when you feel that your needs are misinterpreted by those around you. When this happens - and it does quite often - you feel that there is no-one that can understand the way you feel and it is because of this egocentric self that you are quick to take offense.

You are trying to prove yourself - not only to yourself but also to everyone around you. There is much that you would like to say and do but the situation warrants self-restraint and that is the last thing that you have on your mind. It would seem that you have an unsatisfied need to ally yourself with others whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to stand out from the crowd. This is subjecting you to considerable stress but you tend to stick to your attitudes despite lack of appreciation. Of course, you are finding the situation uncomfortable and would like nothing better but to break away from it but you don't like the idea of compromise. Your main problem is that you are unable to resolve the situation because you continually postpone making the necessary decisions. You feel that if you make the wrong choice this would lead to such opposition that you would not be able to command the esteem of others. It is essential that those around you are prepared to comply with your wishes.

The need for admiration and to be regarded as 'someone special' is perhaps one of the foremost aims in your life at this time. You would like to perhaps do something outrageous or anything that will give you the chance to be recognized as someone special. This desire has now almost become an obsession and in your own way you are trying to fulfill this 'complex' by ensuring you are the center of attention, both at work or play, or in the home. Stop trying so hard and you will find that people will like you for who you are - not for who you are pretending to be.

i spoke too soon... one more blog for the night...

latest developments in my applying for post bacc programs... i just sent off my UCI application and i'm currently set to finish my UCDavis one by tomorrow... hopefully... although the deadlines for all these programs are coming up i'm not as stressed as i was when i was doing my med school ones... that's a good thing.

i wonder if the extended warranty on my laptop applies to the keys... i just noticed that the N on my keyboard is starting to fall off... =/ or at least a part of it has already fallen off... i dunno if that's just petty, and i mean if it's going to take a week to get the problem fixed then i can probably wait or not even do anything... little details tend to bug me... that's why i always read the fine print of everything...

"life is in the details" -reggie tiong saldivar

3 blogs in one day... i believe that's a personal high...

tonight while driving home i noticed someone on a motorcycle who was dressed like a cop with the exception of one small detail... i know for a fact that cops don't wear sneakers while on patrol... i hope he wasn't one of those sick people that like to trick people into thinking he's a cop... i was thinking about following him in my car to see where he was going...

anywho, after talking to mis amigos i'm feeling much better in terms of my freaking moodiness... yup, back to normal... whatever that is worth... =P

as of late my emotions have been running the gauntlet... one moment i'll be content and the next my thoughts will be pre-occupied with my insecurities and worries... i recently said that i'd delegate my life to fate for the moment, but it's still hard... insomuch as i wanted to be a director not only because i found telling a story through film a beautiful process, i just liked having that control. control over my vision = control of my life. but as of late my emotions have taken hold and clouded my thinking. i've always looked at people who let their emotions get the best of them as illogical and incapable of putting everything into that big picture of life... instead, i'm in that position where i'm in a constant struggle between what my mind says and what my heart feels... waaaaahhhh... =( i'm also aware of the fact that i'm choosing to remain abiguious although i say i hate ambiguity...

long ass meeting this monday, but what's new?

if i was still in school i'd be pretty pissed, but since i don't have anymore homework so it's all good...

i hope that me being tired even though i took a nap this afternoon isn't a sign that i got mono from my co-worker... no, i didn't kiss her, but today was her first day back after being away for a week... didn't really spend time working with her, but everytime i went into the lab room i felt like her mono-germs were bombarding my face... this is all probably psychosomatic... i mean at one point while working at the clinic i was convinced i had gotten tuberculosis...

i don't really remember my weather science, but today it rained which may have explained why it was so hot last night... i really wish i had someone to play in the rain with... i was just thinking about how much fun it would be to play tag or even basketball in the rain... if i had my doggies with me i would prolly take them out into the rain to play... instead of going out to play i settled for walking slowly from my car to the supermarket while enjoying the spring time deluge... hopefully the rain will keep up until tonight...

it took me nearly a month, but i think i've finally come to terms with being rejected from my almost all my med schools... i tried to deny it at first. then i sought other ways of validating myself. even went as so far as to think of possible career changes in an effort to save myself from my own personal torment of not living up to the high standards i set for myself. this past weekend i dragged myself out of bed to attend a conference held by the UCI school of medicine... they were presenting their reapplicant postbacc program. at first i wasn't going to go... i had gotten in late from clubbing the night previous and i was sore. i figured what were they going to tell me that i didn't already know? but knowing that my own self confidence has led me wrong before i decided to go. i figured what does one lost saturday mean compared to the rest of my career? the conference was extremely small.. only about 19 people in attendance. it wasn't the size that mattered however... it was just listening to the speakers that really got me. for a long time this road to becoming a doctor was a lonely one. all my friends had decided that medicine wasn't for them and i was basically left to my own devices to figure out my life. lwhile everyone else is getting ready to join the real world and getting these awesome jobs with mucho money, i'm here investing thousands of dollars to go to school and investing even more in personal time... listening to these people who had gone through the postbacc program i kept thinking "wow, i thought i was the only one"... phil always asks me why the heck am i in such a hurry to get to med school and become a doctor? now i know it's not a matter of when i get there, but rather how... and the how is strictly up to me. i think i've led myself to believe that there was only one pathway to becoming a doctor... at the moment i'm currently taking path B instead of A... the road less traveled you would say. although not fully content i've definitely gotten my fire back...

making posters for a political cause wouldn't normally make my list of things to do or even things i would remotely enjoy doing, but tonight was just beyond what i could have expected... tonight in the SAAC lounge a bunch of the APSA heads went to it and made a grip load of posters for a campus political slate which we support... the energy and support of everyone was literally amazing... my faith in APSA and everything good it stands for has been restored. had the biggest smile on my face while working with everyone tonight. it's this type of support and fun that needs to be bottled up and shared with other members... it was that very feeling of purpose and belonging which initially got me hooked to APSA..

random thought: i think i'm slowly becoming what i've feared of becoming... the asian urban yuppie... the elite upper middle class who drive around in their BMWs and sleep in their $200 Ralph Lauren sheets... i already shop at j.crew...

work today was pretty much the same with the exception of my trip down to the freezers... we call it the freezer farm because it's this building that is just full of freezers.. all these freezers hold past specimens dating back from the early 90s. i always hate going down there by myself it reminds me too much of a morgue. i think with my active imagination i get scared easily as well. today was day two of retreiving samples. one of the freezers has so much frost that after about 30 minutes of hammering and chipping away i was still only part way through. i felt like i was making an ice sculpture! at one point i pretended i was on a search and rescue mission to save a group of tourist trapped in an alpine snowbank... at first it was easy to move out the frost, but as i moved deeper the frost turned to ice... i tried using the plastic chisel i had with me, but i accidently broke it while trying to hammer it into the ice... eventually i though, the temperature in the freezer began to rise and i had to stop working. looks like i'll be heading back to the farm again tomorrow...

i've said before that i feel like my life is somewhat in limbo... as of now i feel like my life is not only not moving forward but in fact i'm going in reverse... my plans for the future seemed to unraveled while what i had thought was a sure thing at the moment seems not that much closer... maybe this is all just post-graduation self doubt on my part... i think i should go back to swimming again... i started swimming when my grandfather passed away and it seemed to help me focus my thoughts... just waiting for the weather to heat up a little more... it's still too cold at night for me to resume my nighttime swims though... aiyah... i think i've said it before, but self doubt is a bitch...

click here to find out which asian action superstar you are!

You are Michelle Yeoh. You are a responsible, nurturing and caring person. you like the romantic side of life. whether it's by a british secret agent or a master swordsman. You like it all. You try and take care of the people you care about, but sometimes they dont take ur help too kindly. That's okay cause you got it all.

today while eating my lunch i opened my fortune cookie and was happily surprised at what i found... inside my fortune cookie read "follow the advice of your heart"... some of the best post-graduation advice i've heard in a long time...

the trip to vegas although two days past is still fresh in my mind... i really think our car got to be very close and the saying that "what happens in vegas stays in vegas" wasn't an understatement because we did some crazy stuff that i wouldn't want to reveal again... hahaha... good times though. i think i've become an official Cirque du Soliel fan for life... i know it's a bit pretentious to buy 100 dollar tickets to watch (in essence) just a circus, but honestly if you watch one Cirque show you'll know that it's far from being just a circus... soooo good. i'm planning to watch Verakai when it comes to LA and maybe even try to spot my favorite people from the Fire Within series...

the last quarter for most of my friends has finally begun.... for me, it's the beginning of an early summer vacation. although i don't have anymore school my schedule is still full with work and APSA related business. because my schedule is so busy my room has been paying the price... it is such a mess right now. clothes everywhere and papers all over my desk... i really should clean it up soon... i checked my grades and i passed all my classes so at the very least i know i'm officially done with school. =)

it feels like i haven't blogged in weeks, when in actuality it's only been a few days...

las vegas was incredible! it was the first time i had been to vegas with the watchful eye of my parents. i hadn't been back to the strip since high school so i had lots of fun walking through all the new hotels. my favorites were the bellagio and venitian... the mirage is also one of my favorites, an oldie but goodie... if there was one hotel where i had lost/gave them most of my money, it would have to be the bellagio... my second night there i parted with all my cash to pay for tickets to see "O" by cirque du soliel... it was so worth it... the show was incredible and my seats were awesome.... we got first row seats! row A, seats 1, 2... so close to the stage that it rained on us! =) anywho, i'm tired so i'll update my trip tomorrow...

the weather has changed for the better... it's cool and warm in the apartment. it's that nice prelude before that sticky heat that arrives with summer. two of the roomies have decided to head back home and the quiet is relaxing... it's a strange feeling to not have anything to worry about. sitting in front of the TV takes me back to the half-days of elementary school.

wow, could that lady who host's 30 minute meals be anymore peppier? it's almost downright annoying...

the sunny weather today was great. unfortunately, whenever the weather makes a change like that my allergies flare up. today at work i was just miserable. watery eyes, sneezing, and a scratchy throat... bleh.. the two benedryl didn't seem to work on me... =P

tonight i did something i haven't done in a while. i took a bath and soaked in the tub. it was like a throwback to childhood. it was around that time too, that california was experiencing a major drought and the bubble baths became more of a luxury than anything else... i can remember back when i was a little kid and my mom would fill up the tub and put in my He-Man bubble bath. hahaha... i can even remember what it looked and smelled like. it came in a purple tub about the size of a large play-doh jar and was slime green. the consistency was that of pudding and it smelled like green apple...

although i've been trying to save money for las vegas i couldn't help myself. i went to best buy today and got the newest linkin park cd, meteora... it's pretty good. i'm not much of a rock head, but just something about teen angst muisic that i enjoy. plus gotta support mike shinoda. =)

got together with the spring break crew to discuss what we wanted to during our vegas trip... looks like we're going to take a short road trip to visit the grand canyon...

tonight i finally got to watch "boowling for columbine"... i can see why it won for the best documentary... before seeing the film i thought it was a documentary on a fund raising event for the students of columbine high... haha... like people were bowling to raise money for columbine high... instead i got this awesome film about america's gun obsession and consumerism driven by fear.... the type of movie that really makes you think about american society and the misplaced fear people have of the unknown... i don't think i could do the film justice, but i highly recommend it. hence, another reason why i love indie films and hate hollywood trash.

the day after

went shopping in the morning with my mom. she bought me a featherbed which i had been wanting for a while... now it feels like i'm sleeping on a cloud... =) now that school is out of the way i'll have a lot more time to enjoy my bed...

today me and the roomies went to CompUSA to buy a wireless router for the apartment. since we all got laptops we figured it would be a good investment. also, they were having this midnight madness sale and they were only $30! i thought we were getting there pretty early but when we arrived at the parking lot we saw a long line of people just waiting to get inside... when we finally got in, there were no more wireless routers =( in fact there was this huge crowd of people just grabbing what thet could off the shelf... in fact, this crazy old guy had a shopping basket full of them and was trying to get people to pay him five bucks for one... his guy was just scary... the first thing i noticed was that he was foaming at the mouth... my roomie tried to get him to give us one, but he refused... anywho, we got really lucky because a guy overheard us being disappointed about not being able to get one and offers one to us since he learned that there was a limit of one per person... =) however, that wasn't our last encounter with old crazy guy, he happened to be in front of us in line and he was trying to get me to take another router off his hands... at one point he tried to get jasmine to buy one off him... such a freak.... now i know why i'm such a horrible bargainer... i can't hang with these kind of sales... people are so cuthroat... everyone is grabbing everything, people are screaming and in general it's just mad chaos... it was like, if we were in a natural emergency and needed to buy supplies... it was that stressful... in fact, while we were trying to find the router my adrenline level went up... after leaving the store i could tell i had put my body through a lot of stress since my muscles were all tense... anywho, now our apartment is fully connected... it's nice not being tethered to the ethernet cord anymore... now i'm sitting here in my super comfy bed on my wireless laptop typing out this blog. so glad i'm done with school...

unparalleled relief...

i'm done. that's right done with it all. no more registering for classes, no more midterms, no more studying till my eyes give out... i'm done! i'm still giddy from the feeling of walking out of my last final. it won't be official until my grades are posted, but at least now i can concentrate at the tasks at hand... planning out the rest of my life and planning out the best APSA grad banquet ever... tonight i'm going to try and finish the neon genesis series with angeline and then tomorrow my moms is taking me out shopping =) free clothes!

one last time...

approximately 30 minutes away from the last final in my undergraduate career... nervous anticipation is the best word to describe it... i'm sure the 2.5 hours it'll take to finish the exam will just fly by... *jumps up and down like rocky* i'm ready baby! bring it!

zero hour

in less that 10 hours it'll all be over... while falling asleep last night i started to reminicse about everything i've experienced within the past 4.6 years... what a trip! really funny how life changes... four years ago i probably would have told you that i'd be in my first year in medical school by now and i'd probably be as far from san diego as possible... going to study a bit, have breakfast with rachel, study some more and then take the last final of my undergrad career... i'm actually excited now. =)

woo hoo.. i'm going to be done with my undergraduate career in about ~15 hours!

the day of truth is today... my first final of finals week.. number 1 of 2. in approximately 48 hours my undergraduate career will be officially done! woo hoo... the only problem is, where do i go now? med school, grad school, postbacc, or join the work force? this point in my life seemed so much more concrete when i had planned it out 5 years ago. now that it's here it seems even more intangible... at the very least one thing is a given... i'm going to have a kick ass spring break with my homies in las vegas!

it was inevitable... i was late to see the director of the postbac program... luckily she agreed to see me after i called her. i was taken back a bit when i first saw her because over the phone i was expecting a staunch white southern woman. instead i got a short and very sweet black woman. we talked about my plans for medicine and what i needed to do in order to make it happen. for the first time i didn't feel like this administrator was trying to make the goal of medicine difficult, in fact after talking to her i felt a renewed sense of focus. we even talked about CRENO and i found out that she was the one that actually established the program in 1989... she was so sincere and it seemed that within the short amount of time we talked she really wanted to see me reach my goal. afterwards she even gave me a hug and told me that she wants to see me make it. i told her that i would try and she gave me a disapproved look at which i replied "sorry, i don't mean i'll try...i mean, i'll do it..."

3:30am tuesday of finals week

i left clics early since i didn't feel like i was gaining anything. when i go out tomorrow i'm going to leave my computer at home. i'll see how much more productive i can be without an internet connection in front of me. the end of the quarter is almost at hand. in about 7 hours i have a meeting with the director of the postbacc program i want to get into. nervous...

whenever i go to bed i don't see how many hours i get to sleep, but now i look at how REM cycles i'm going to get. i've been trying to regain my previous ability of lucid dreaming. the results thus far have been poor. still haven't managed to have a good lucid experience in a while. i used to be able to do it all the time too. anywho, tonight i'll be lucky if i get one good REM cycle in. good luck with finals!

1:36am tuesday of finals week

clics is still buzzing with people and i have yet to find my studying groove... one of those night where the more you read the less you know. fear is definitely settling into my system...

feeling a bit frustrated right now... my studying efforts don't seem to be working... my progress is slow and painful... i think i need to get to clics to get some real studying done, but i'm afraid of the large masses of people that are probably there... tomorrow is packed, breakfast with rachel, appointment with the director of the postbac program i want to do, office hours, studying for physio, and studying for my usp class... i used to think i thrived on this type of stress now it feels like it's just eating me up... in 4 days though, i'll be done... 4 more days, 4 more days, 4 more days!

i lost my last entry... first that's ever happened...

yesterday was only semi-productive, i tried to study at barnes and nobles but when i got there the place was just packed with people... the only tables left were the 3 small tables outside. since it was a nice and sunny day i decided to try and study outside. it was nice until the wind started to blow... was only able to stay outside and study for about 15 minutes. i just gave up and went back inside to do some browsing. the finals week crunch still hasn't hit me at full force... i'm sure by tomorrow it'll fully dawn upon me. the apartment has literally gone to shit with the dawn of finals week. i had cleaned the apartment a week before finals week and now it's just a big mess again. no one takes out the trash, the living has become our makeshift study area, the kitchen is just piled with dirty dishes, and my desk is just a mess of paperwork. hopefully after this madness we can do some spring cleaning...

i made an appointment to see the director of the postbac program at ucsd. i'm getting that same anxious feeling i got when i started to work on my applications for med school. i'm sure it's all in my head. i think i always go into meetings with administrators with a bit of apprehension and fear that they're out to get me. should really stop that. ever since i met with my pre med advisor a year ago i think i've gotten extremely cautious when it comes to my future and what the "professionals" have to say.

as subtle as a garlic sandwich...

for the past couple of weeks i've been questioning my faith and whether or not i was truly meant to be part of the medical community... last week i happened to meet some of the ladies who worked at the ucsd med school admission office... today i received an application for the med school's postbac program. it's basically a program designed to help students who want to reapply. i've read the letter and application nearly 10 times already contemplating the ramifications of applying... i think what's really holding me back is this fear i have of applying to the program and being rejected once again. after spending nearly a year getting my med school applications ready only to be rejected from most of my schools i don't think i have the emotional energy to apply to another program. for a time up until today i was ready to leave my dream of practicing medicine behind me and going for stable position in the world of clinical research. however, now more than ever i feel like fate is shaking me up and telling me i have to do this. funny how it decided to come right at the start of finals week. when i first got into college i had my whole life planned out and it worked out beautifully. i would say now that i'm at point where i have mixed feelings... i'm honestly very excited at having the opprotunity to be able to strengthen my application since i was planning to reapply anyway, but there's a small part of me that questions my ability to even make it that far. i'm scared.

today at work i came in late and felt like shit... although i know my boss never really scolds me i knew she was feeling like i wasn't pulling around my own weight... which was true since i spent the morning surifng the internet... she even pointed it out and said i should try to work on something else... instead of being the good little worker i usually am i took that as a challenge and got really defensive the rest of the day... in fact, in my head i kept thinking, "hey, in a week i'll have a degree that outweighs your little community college associates degree!" argh. bad reggie! something about obeying authority or being challenged that gets me all worked up... probably the reason i'm why i've always wanted to get an MD and now a PhD... it's like having those degrees entitles me automatic authority... i have a weird thing about being in control. jasmine says it's because i'm a first born child and so i'm used to getting everything done my way. i agree. i'm a spoiled boy that like to have things done my way and if anyone questions that i get extremely defensive.. anywho, now i can't help but feel weird about coming into work...no matter... going to leave it behind me since i'm only going to be there for a month and i want a good recommendation.

once again, it's that time of year which i hate and thrive upon... finals week is about to begin and i have a little less than a week to completely review all my materials and kick some ass on my finals. strange and surreal feeling... i know i'll be done, but without any definite plans i'm at an impasse. no longer do i have the security of classes or the stability of a steady paying job. instead what i have to look forward to is the end of my lease and the return to domestic life with my family... i'm sure the transition is going to be tough. at the very least i have my annual internship in los angeles to go to. post graduation life looms of the horizon. the what hell i'm i doing with my life?

today while walking to class i happened to run into the same lady from the med school admissions office. we chatted for a bit and she told me she replied to my e-mail request and that if i had any other questions feel free to e-mail or stop by... i'm really quite unsure how to take all of this... is this god's way of telling me i have a way in or simply receiving the validation i asked for... here's what she wrote in her reply to me after i asked her about a possible combined MD/PhD degree

Hello,

I enjoyed our conversation. We are always willing to help in any way. The Admissions Committee looks at these types of extracurricular activities:

Any work
Research
Community Outreach
Clinical
Leadership

and of course a shinning personality. Wish you possess, even when you are harrassed by 3 old ladies.:)



the question is what the hell i'm i supposed to do next... it's funny how when you first start college you have your whole life planned and it worked out wonderfully... now i feel like i have the pieces, but they aren't fitting together quite as well as i thought... i have all of those, minus any good research experience... hmmm... when the hell did i lose my passion for medicine? the thought of not fulfilling this dream i have and the expectations that others have for me is killing me inside...

the PCC Cast members have been selected... i hope i get a role...

the weekend just flew by... i'm sitting here in my bed typing this blog away... i love having a laptop, it lets me be as lazy as i want to be... alumni undergrad sports day was really fun... too bad i had to leave for PCC practice in the middle of it... didn't really get a chance to play any of the alum vs undergrad games, but i did manage to play a little tennis with ian, richard, and david... i have no ball control whatsoever... i'm either lobbing it over the fence or hitting it out of bounds... we couldn't even get a good rally going... in all though it was a good workout... my right forearm is all sore now.

anywho, back to talent show. throughout most of the set-up time i just wandered around PC ballroom with my backpack on observing everything and taking in the wonderful aura that APSA events just seem to generate. i was pretty useless during the day... just playing around and waiting patiently for skit's time to do tech... i managed to roughly learn the missy dance routine... hahahaha... that was funny, spent most of the time with my eye on Cat... the skit went well... we ended with the entire ballroom in silence... that was either a sign that the skit made them think or they just didn't understand what the hell we were trying to say. afterwards we headed to fridays cuz i was starving... i was so nervous i hardly had anything to eat after dim sum...

the day of truth arrived today... APSA talent show was so dope... props to ian and moneek for putting on an awesome talent show! so many things happened today and i'm too tired to commit them to digital memory for the time being... i'll just say that skit, dance routing, and everything else in general went beyond my expectations. =) so sore and tired... i think i should have worn knee pads during the dance routine... later today after i sleep is alumni/undergrad sports day... of course i'm rooting for the undergrad team.

talent show tonight!

i've always wondered what role fate and freewill played in our lives... does one have more bearing over the other? was it written even before i was born that i was destined to write this blog? or i'm i simply doing everything on the fly? i've always taken the road that life is balancing of the two. that we can deviate from fate as much as we want, but eventually we'll end up at certain checkpoints in life. right now i feel like i'm way off course. currently i'm in limbo, career wise... no job and no current sign of med school. today i think fate has decided to kick in...

while making my daily run to the medical school to drop off some blood samples i decided to swing by the campus box office to get talent show tickets... while waiting in line a group of 3 older women, who were obviously on their lunch break, were chatting up a storm. the person at the front of the line was taking an incredible amount of time so they happened to turn around and start a conversation with me. they asked me if i had ever heard of the foo fighters. they saw a sign on the box office window that foo fighter tickets were limited to two per student and assumed that the show must be that good since they were limiting the amount of tickets sold. after a little more idle chit chat one of the ladies happened to ask me if i wanted to go to medical school. i'm assuming she asked me because i was wearing my blue scrubs today. her friend chimed in that they worked in the admissions office at UCSD. my first reaction was "wow, you're the people that out rightly rejected me..". but they weren't the cold and uncaring people i had once envisioned them to be, they were actually quite pleasant and friendly. she asked when i was applying and i told her that i would be applying again in the summer. got a lot of good information from her and she even gave me a bit of info that could be to my advantage come reapplication time. anywho, she gave me her e-mail address and said i could e-mail her if i had any questions about the application process. after that encountered i was a mixed bag of emotions. happy that i happened to actually meet people from the admissions board, but sad that i still haven't heard from any of my med schools. i know i shouldn't feel like a failure, but that what i feel like at the moment. i know i've said this a million times before, but its like all the work i've done for 5 years doesn't amount to anything without validation... just want my schools to say "yes, we want you to become a doctor..." the question remains, do i have the money and will to try again? if i decide to do it again, i'm on my own... paying for another set of applications and possibly taking another mcat... either way i feel like my passion for medicine is waning... why the hell is it so hard for my med schools to see that i would make a pretty damn good doctor? i have the passion, i have the drive... at this point i can't help but feel as if everyone is moving on to bigger and greater things.

had an audition today for PCC cast.. i would say it went okay... i'm actually very excited about being part of the show... the script looks to be different from previous year's scripts and there's no singing... *phew*... i also finished editting our physiology project "speed 3: cardiac velocity".. it's very corny, cheesy, and full of nerdy bio humor.. hahaha

as of late my life as been moving pretty quickly... the end of my undergrad career is going to end regardless of what i do. when i went to check what my finals week schedule was like i couldn't log on with my computer... i realized that i really didn't remember my PIN, but only had it in my muscle memory and without a little keypad i couldn't just type it out using the row of numbers along the top of my keyboard. i had to look at my roomie's keyboard and see what my fingers were typing in. i'm determined to get a good night's rest before a full day of work... this weekend although full of fun i think is just going to stress me out...i have a whole quarter of physio i need to review and two books i need to finish reading for my US healthcare class...

talent show and alumni/undergrad sports day this weekend! i'm housing two alums at my apartment, terence and stephanie... this year the alums seem to be talking a lot of trash.. fortunately, i'm bringing plenty of extra bandaids and bengay for the old timers just in case... =P

today for physiology we worked on our video presentation... i captured all the video tonight and have been working on getting the sequences and timing right... it's coming along pretty good... if i can find the webspace then i'll post it up for everyone to watch... i almost forgot how much fun it was to edit and make my own movies. i can't wait till after this quarter is done and then i can finally get started on making my entry into the san diego asian film festival.

2 days till talent show! i'm really excited about skit not only because i helped to write and direct it, but to hear and see other people's reactions to it. it's very different from what i think the regular APSA people are used to so it should be a good kinda of change. i mixture of art and politcal commentary is the best way to describe it. if you're free this saturday come out an support local talent at UCSD's APSA Talent Show... doors open @ 6pm... tickets are only $9 at the door or $6 presale...

beyond the one dance i'm doing for PCC i also want to be in the cast so tonight i'll be auditioning for a prinical role in PCC... . with apsa skit and our video presentation i've slowly been acquiring a taste for acting... i like it... may i have some more?

picture of the day

expressions!

talent show is this satuday. i'm pretty excited about the skit. it's going to be pretty powerful if it all goes according to plan.

went home today to see my parents and grab the video camera. my physiology group is making a video presentation for our project. we're doing a parody of "speed"... we have to keep the frog's heart rate above 50 beats per minute or a bomb will go off...

i can tell these last two weeks of the quarter are going to be intense... projects, presentations, and finals...

tonight i was actually able to catch an episode of korean music video heaven. i haven't been able to watch any new videos for a couple of months now... the host looks like my friend jane... for about 2 years now i've had the idea of sending her a letter with a picture of jane included with my video request.

only 2 more weeks left!

i've still yet to experience that feeling of accomplishment. i still feel like after spring break i'll be going back to class... or even this is just one long summer break... instead though, i'm done with school. there's nothing after this quarter. i've started my job search if med school falls through and i have one possible lead at UCLA School of Medicine doing research. i'm a bit excited about the prospect of working in LA and starting a brand new life. i'm a bit scared about the salary though since i do want to live comfortably. then again though, everyone needs to pay their dues and maybe this is my time.

with only two weeks left and the possibility of leaving SD sooner than i had expected i've decided to just try and absorb as much as my friends as possible. i could have been stuck in the library all night last night, but instead i went to fridays to eat half priced appetizers. good times. =)

finals week must be coming up soon because i have this insatiable need to organize and clean my room. it's those final week vibes i'm getting... so nice to think this will be my last finals week as an undergad. =)

tonight we had a roomie dinner at Mayrin's new restaurant, Cafe de Thai... her mom makes the best Mee Krob... one of my favorite Thai dishes =) such a nice place too... all the tables and chairs were imported from Thailand! in a prime location too... everyone should come out and support... it's literally in the smack middle of white town, Poway... which means no asian restaurants to compete for a 5 mile radius... they have a monopoly on the Thai food there... haha...

i just sent in an appeal for a parking ticket i got at school last week... at first i was just going to pay it, but then realized that the regents have enough of my money...

my fears, for now, have been put to rest... PCC practice was today and even though at the beginning i thought i wouldn't know anyone there i did manage to see a couple of friendly and familiar faces which made it a little easier. honestly, i'm pretty excited about finally being a part of PCC instead of just a passive audience member. this thursday i'll be auditioning for a role in the cast as a principal character. a bit apprehensive because historically the leads sing a song... contrary to the popular belief that all filipinos are good at singing and dancing i'm not... at least not good at singing... i don't even sing the shower. hopefully we'll be able to work around that little technicality if the part requires singing... anywho, i'm off to see my friend's new thai restaurant... =d mmmmmmmmmm... sarap!

wow, 2 more weeks of class and then finals week. can't believe my undergrad career is coming to an end. at least at this point i'm ready to leave.

tonight me and friends played the game of life. so funny. i don't remember that game being so complicated. they should really market toward the college student set versus the 9 and above age group. so many things to consider during that game. do i want a career or go to college first? in this case since we're all college students we all went the college track. then on top of that have to worry about buying car insurance, buying a home, getting insurance for that home, and then getting married. don't forget the kids... to make it more realistic though, they shouldn't make the marriage part of the game so heterocentric. or even require it. hell, what if someone wanted to be single for the rest of their life? anywho, me and my wifey agnes ended up winning the game with a grand total worth of $1,340,000... if only the game of life mirrored the actual thing. so simple, having kids made of colorful plastic and you get to easily select a career...

in my inbox today... i find more of the same, junk mail... this time i find something that piques my interest... "stop spammers in their tracks". just thought it was assuming that they're advertising a way to stop spam when they themselves are guilty of it too... that reminds me of a message on the answering machine we got around the time we all moved in. when i find the time i'll try to post it up somewhere, but it was just the funniest thing... imagine a telemarketer with a heavy canadian accent on our answering machine trying to sell us some product that will stop telemarketer's calls. a bit self-defeating i think.

my friday went by in such a blur... i don't even remember going to work this morning... took my little bro and his friends to see Rex Navarette at SDSU... for those of you who don't know rex is, he's a filipino american stand-up comic... so funny! it was nice to be able to listen to him speak about the filipino american experience and put a humorous spin on it. in general i think fil-ams as a group are good at finding the humor within themselves... whether it be poking fun at our grasp at the english language or just the way filipino parents are, it was just very nice to be in touch with that side of my identity. as of late i've been trying harder to get in touch with my "filipiness"... i added another new year's resolution to my list, be able to speak fluent tagalog with my relatives... today i told my mom that i would only speak back in tagalog... looks like for the next couple of months i'll only be able to answer yes or no questions.

i've also started another personal journal... this one however won't be posted on the web. i've come to the realization although i'm pretty candid with my thoughts i still feel like i'm missing something by my own self censorship. hence the need for another outlet for me one in which i won't be afraid to write what i feel. i started writing in it last night and afterwards i was able to sleep almost immediately... just helped me to relax and to get all my worries out.

the daunting task of pcc practices looms over the distance... right now i'm thinking, "what the heck did i sign myself up for?"..the amount of practices are just ridiculus... on top of that i want to be in the cast... hmmmmm... not so much scared about the dancing and acting but my whole dynamic with these people... for some odd reason i don't seem to get along with filipinos very well... or at least that's what i perceive... i don't feel as if i'm "filipino" enough to be part of kaibigan pilipino... as a whole i dunno if i'm intimidated by them or what... but i just feel like i don't fit this preconceived notion of what it is to be filipino... maybe this is all in my head...

returned to my second home, clics, to try and get some studying done... thus far i've only managed to cover one thing... ahhh well, at the very least being here at the library i feel more productive... hmmm... should i have gone to pb bar and grill with everyone else? can't help but feel a bit dettached... plenty of opprotunities next quarter when i'm done with school... found out that my job will be able to keep me for a month after my graduation... after that i'll be mooching off my parents once again until i return to LA...

i forgot to put a link up to that funny blog entry so here it is in all it's painfully funny glory

http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=keara507&itemid=87595&nc=31

anywho, today was masa and apsa's iron chef competition... yes i won... but no i don't have my trophy, yet... long ass stupid 5th grade drama story... but i'm not mad, i had lots of fun cooking for the judges and my helpers were awesome...

talent show is a week away and i'm looking forward to skit... looks like we're going to do everything live instead of an audio recording... a bit risky, but if everyone learns their lines it should work out incredibly well... i'm definitely old... i can't sleep 5 hours like i used to and still function normally... luckily tomorrow is my half day at work... i had so many deep thoughts running through my head during the day, but now sitting in front of my computer i'm a bit at a loss for words... i got my digital prints today in the mail... they look incredible... so glad i bought i digital camera... i feel as if my new years resolutions are falling apart... i haven't been keeping up with my gym schedule like i did at the beginning of the year and my checkbook has yet to be balanced... however, i'm still not giving up.. i'm going to start going back tomorrow, since now all my ish is done with... start getting back to focusing on myself... in search of a little me time...

during my expansive journies across the blogger kingdom i'm rarely moved to share or link some of the things i've read... however, as a fellow blogger so aptly put... this entry is just so "i know i shouldn't be laughing" funny... here's the preface... the girl finds a love note left for someone else and hilarity ensues... the comments i think are just as funny as the actual note itself...

lab got out incredibly early... literally took 15 mins to perform the lab... more time was spent explaining it than executing it... tried out one of the recipes i'm going to use for the iron chef competition this wednesday... tastes awesome... that trophy is mine! hahahaha... not really not concerned with trophy more or less just wanting to making some great tasting food for other ppl to taste...

currently i'm watching some cheezy filipino dramas on tv... really grateful for the fact i can totally understand what's going on, but sad that i can't really effectively communicate in tagalog... on thinking about my idnetity and what it means to be filipino recently came the observation that when asians are tan they are filipino but when they're light and pal they're chinese... take for instance my friends cat and victor... cat is always mistaken as being chinese while victor is always mistaken for being filipino... and this is all on the basis of their tans... i guess it would make sense since chinese and filipinos make up the largest percentages of asians in american... since we're on the subject i think for a long time i've been trying to figure out where i belong in the whole asian american spectrum... for some odd reason people don't seem to equate filipino with being asian, but rather as being a pacific islander... however, in the philippines if you were to ask someone from the street if they considered themselves asian or pacific islander they'd most likely associate with being asian... i think this all goes back to the tan... for the most part we've equated asian as being fair skinned and chinky eyes... i think i'm also guilty of this narrow minded vision of what it means to asian... it also didn't help that whenever my aunt came to visit me from the philippines she would alway comment on how dark i was and that i needed to buy some skin whitening soap... anywho, i guess my whole search for what it means to be filipino and asian american led me to APSA... just being a part of this group of individuals who are also trying to define what it means to be asian american is awesome... can't properly describe the gratitidue i have for this organization... yes, i'm still struggling with what it means to be filipino and asian american, but i think i've finally started to like the skin i'm in... in fact, i just finished my last bar of soap from the philippines yesterday...