2nd Week
it's about two in the morning sunday and i canot sleep... this is due to the fact that i took a nap late in the afternoon and now i can't get to sleep... i hate when that happens, it just messes up my sleep cycle. (not that it was normal to begin with)... looking at what needs to get done i realize that this will definately be a busy year... if i can make it out on top then i can truly say i'm a worthy pre-med student... God give me the strength i need to go on and the patience to see it through...
Tuesday, September 25, 2001
First Week
it's the first day of the first week of school and i'm still up studying... bleh... sucks, huh? and i'm still far from finishing this reading i said i'd finish... i guess it would be partially my fault since i didn't get all my books today, but still i have tons of reading to finish...
this morning me and roomies were having breakfast today and i came to the realization that i'm slowly turning into my parents... no longer do i settle for microwave burritos or instance TV dinners i need to eat real food.. meaning food that is actually prepared and cooked by hand... not to say i don't enjoy my fair share of McDonalds, but overall if given the choice i'd prefer to take the time it takes to prepare a good meal than to zap something in the microwave... yeah, just the other day i was shopping in 99 ranch and i picked out vegetables, meat, and lots of different things my mommy usually buys to make her home cooking... i felt so adult! =)... well, i better finish off this study break and get back to reading about bacteria...
it's the first day of the first week of school and i'm still up studying... bleh... sucks, huh? and i'm still far from finishing this reading i said i'd finish... i guess it would be partially my fault since i didn't get all my books today, but still i have tons of reading to finish...
this morning me and roomies were having breakfast today and i came to the realization that i'm slowly turning into my parents... no longer do i settle for microwave burritos or instance TV dinners i need to eat real food.. meaning food that is actually prepared and cooked by hand... not to say i don't enjoy my fair share of McDonalds, but overall if given the choice i'd prefer to take the time it takes to prepare a good meal than to zap something in the microwave... yeah, just the other day i was shopping in 99 ranch and i picked out vegetables, meat, and lots of different things my mommy usually buys to make her home cooking... i felt so adult! =)... well, i better finish off this study break and get back to reading about bacteria...
Saturday, September 22, 2001
mahal kita~
translation - "love you"... on the way back to home from disneyland today me and mayrin were just taking about how we talk to our parents and she happened to hear me being short on the phone with my mom... afterwards we talked a bit about my relationship with my parents and she told me in the end you never know if the last time you talk to your parents will the last time and so whenever she talks to her parents even if they were arguing she tells them that she loves them... so very true... the terrorist attacks last tuesday prove that you never know when the unexpected will strike.. in that respect i think i'll be telling more people that i love them... and you should do the same, starting with your parents... go call them up and tell them you love them even if you have to call for a stupid reason just to say it.... i for instance called my mommy to ask for money and then told her i loved her... you can pick your own way... =)
translation - "love you"... on the way back to home from disneyland today me and mayrin were just taking about how we talk to our parents and she happened to hear me being short on the phone with my mom... afterwards we talked a bit about my relationship with my parents and she told me in the end you never know if the last time you talk to your parents will the last time and so whenever she talks to her parents even if they were arguing she tells them that she loves them... so very true... the terrorist attacks last tuesday prove that you never know when the unexpected will strike.. in that respect i think i'll be telling more people that i love them... and you should do the same, starting with your parents... go call them up and tell them you love them even if you have to call for a stupid reason just to say it.... i for instance called my mommy to ask for money and then told her i loved her... you can pick your own way... =)
Thursday, September 20, 2001
Back to School
yes, some of you people didn't believe it was possible, but school is starting up again for me... technically the school year has already begun starting this week, week 0 out of our 10 week academic quarter... wow, if i get everything done correctly this should be my last year and then it's off into the real world... pretty frightening stuff... times like this i wish was 5 years old again but with the mental capacity to truly enjoy it... oh yeah, check out and see how much you're worth at in the apartment we're seeing how much everyone is worth... presently the rankings go phil, steph a., me, mayrin, and david... we all range from ~$2,200,000 to ~$1,600,000.... well, time to get some rest before my big first day of school =)
yes, some of you people didn't believe it was possible, but school is starting up again for me... technically the school year has already begun starting this week, week 0 out of our 10 week academic quarter... wow, if i get everything done correctly this should be my last year and then it's off into the real world... pretty frightening stuff... times like this i wish was 5 years old again but with the mental capacity to truly enjoy it... oh yeah, check out and see how much you're worth at in the apartment we're seeing how much everyone is worth... presently the rankings go phil, steph a., me, mayrin, and david... we all range from ~$2,200,000 to ~$1,600,000.... well, time to get some rest before my big first day of school =)
Wednesday, September 19, 2001
Now I know...
why computer programmers in general are so fat... i spent the majority of my day inside the apartment today working on APSA flyers, newsletter and updating my PDA and while i was doing that I was eating, constantly... if i wasn't having a carne asada taco then it was guacamole + chips or fried rice and bbq pork... but on the good side I've been drinking plenty of water so i'll be a hydrated fatty fat...
why computer programmers in general are so fat... i spent the majority of my day inside the apartment today working on APSA flyers, newsletter and updating my PDA and while i was doing that I was eating, constantly... if i wasn't having a carne asada taco then it was guacamole + chips or fried rice and bbq pork... but on the good side I've been drinking plenty of water so i'll be a hydrated fatty fat...
Tuesday, September 18, 2001
Back in the Groove
after going through a pretty down week my life has returned to some normalcy, despite what's going on on the east coast. having finally talked to my closest friends I was able to get a better understanding of myself and what i really wanted.... in the end, i'm much more happier and more content with who i am and i shouldn't be mad or upset at what i feel are shortcomings because frankly to others they're just trivial little things... and just cuz i never say it enough "i love you guys"...
tonight theTriple K Mah Jong group began it's second week pre-season game which started off slow and ended quite early by our standards but, it's still only pre-season and we have all year to play! unfortunately one of our own is MIA in japan and we've been combing to find a suitable replacement... which reminds me i need to get a set for myself... damn those american mah jong sets... if i could only find one without the numbers written in the corner. (sorry agnes...)
despite returning to normal, happy life my family at home goes through more drama with my younger brother as he struggles to get through all his high school drama shit... it's seriously funny how different me and my younger brother are... after seeing what my brother is capable of doing i know we are definately as opposite as two sides of a coin... a couple of nights ago my bro decided to sneak out of the house and go for a joy ride... not only did he not have car insurance, but he decided to take out my mom's car at 2 in the morning despite the fact there is a curfew for minors after 10 pm... and all he had to say for himself was that he just wanted to get a hamburger and drive around by himself... needless to say my mom doesn't believe a word he said... and i honestly don't know what to do with him... i just hope that this is the worst of his high school drama shit... cuz i'd hate to see what else he could do... aiyo~...
after going through a pretty down week my life has returned to some normalcy, despite what's going on on the east coast. having finally talked to my closest friends I was able to get a better understanding of myself and what i really wanted.... in the end, i'm much more happier and more content with who i am and i shouldn't be mad or upset at what i feel are shortcomings because frankly to others they're just trivial little things... and just cuz i never say it enough "i love you guys"...
tonight theTriple K Mah Jong group began it's second week pre-season game which started off slow and ended quite early by our standards but, it's still only pre-season and we have all year to play! unfortunately one of our own is MIA in japan and we've been combing to find a suitable replacement... which reminds me i need to get a set for myself... damn those american mah jong sets... if i could only find one without the numbers written in the corner. (sorry agnes...)
despite returning to normal, happy life my family at home goes through more drama with my younger brother as he struggles to get through all his high school drama shit... it's seriously funny how different me and my younger brother are... after seeing what my brother is capable of doing i know we are definately as opposite as two sides of a coin... a couple of nights ago my bro decided to sneak out of the house and go for a joy ride... not only did he not have car insurance, but he decided to take out my mom's car at 2 in the morning despite the fact there is a curfew for minors after 10 pm... and all he had to say for himself was that he just wanted to get a hamburger and drive around by himself... needless to say my mom doesn't believe a word he said... and i honestly don't know what to do with him... i just hope that this is the worst of his high school drama shit... cuz i'd hate to see what else he could do... aiyo~...
Saturday, September 15, 2001
no good
yesterday i didn't get to bed till 7am... tonight looks like it may be the same time.. i thought that maybe being by myself would help me, but the tension is still there and i think i've just made myself sick... my appetite has gone and i've only eaten once today... what bugs me the most is i can't let go of this feeling i have in my gut despite how hard i try... i can't even let it go for a second long enough to let myself find peace to sleep... the tension builds and pretty soon it will need to be released one way or another... i don't know what how my emotions will effect my relationships with others... in fact today i blew off going to dim sum with rosie which i feel extremely guilty for and i shut everyone out of my life for a day by turning off my cell phone and staying in my room... in fact, i think some friends wanted me to go to LA with them but i just never returned their call... i really i could get over this and get back to normal... to me this is big, but to others it my seem trivial and that's why i think i refrain from sharing it... i give much love to my roomie steph who has listened to me and shared her feelings on the subject... i really can't describe the how much i appreciate the support you've given me... *sigh* usually around this time i would be playing around and enjoying summer, but instead i sit here wondering why the fuck i feel the way i do...
yesterday i didn't get to bed till 7am... tonight looks like it may be the same time.. i thought that maybe being by myself would help me, but the tension is still there and i think i've just made myself sick... my appetite has gone and i've only eaten once today... what bugs me the most is i can't let go of this feeling i have in my gut despite how hard i try... i can't even let it go for a second long enough to let myself find peace to sleep... the tension builds and pretty soon it will need to be released one way or another... i don't know what how my emotions will effect my relationships with others... in fact today i blew off going to dim sum with rosie which i feel extremely guilty for and i shut everyone out of my life for a day by turning off my cell phone and staying in my room... in fact, i think some friends wanted me to go to LA with them but i just never returned their call... i really i could get over this and get back to normal... to me this is big, but to others it my seem trivial and that's why i think i refrain from sharing it... i give much love to my roomie steph who has listened to me and shared her feelings on the subject... i really can't describe the how much i appreciate the support you've given me... *sigh* usually around this time i would be playing around and enjoying summer, but instead i sit here wondering why the fuck i feel the way i do...
Friday, September 14, 2001
It's 3 o'clock...
in the morning and i'm still wide and awake... the apartment is missing jasmine and david, but at the same time has gotten mayrin and phil (the "other" roomies)... i just got back from having a great talk with roomie steph and it's just gotten the wheels in my head thinking... i've started to analyze myself and honestly i don't like what i see... i really don't know how to get my thought processes adequately protrayed on this forum... it's so frustrating to have these thoughts in my head and no way of letting them out... and perhaps it's always been that way... i've always been a person to keep thoughts to myself and not let the world in... when asked simple questions like what's your favorite movie or what would you like do? i freeze... i think about these answers which should come easily to me... you'd think this type of response would come from talking to a stranger, but they occur when talking to some of the closest people in my life... it scares me to think that these people whom i love and care about I can never really express to them what i'm feeling or even share my deepest and most intimate thoughts... honestly, with my best friends i've never really discussed issues of relationships, their personal lives, or the small details of one's life you share with someone you trust... i wonder soemtimes if its because i'm not someone who they can trust or is it because i'm someone who just can't share those things.... my hands are shaking as i type this and really hurts knowing that this strong silent type i've become to be has isolated me from people i love... on the outside i have friends and family surrounding me and yes i interact with them on a daily basis... they are the faces i look forward to seeing everyday and yet through all the good times i've had with these people i can never really say with absolute certainty that they know me inside and out and vesa versa... that perhaps the reason why at this present moment i can't find solace in anyone... i doubt anyone close to me has ever really seen me lose my composture or even told the nitty gritty of the girls i've had crushes on... it's tragic almost, to have a best friend who has never known the that type of information which is so common amongst others... and yes i know i'm rambling on and on.. and probably by the time i wake up tomorrow I'll feel happy again but honesty i really wish i could get over this... i know eventually someone will read this and find pity or whatever and see to it they talk to me and see "what's up..." but i can't say that this openess i long for will come to them so easily...
i'm reminded of finals week last quarter and I was studying by myself in my honey's bedroom while the kids played in the other room... i guess steph could tell i was upset and she asked me what was wrong and like always i just told her nothing... she again before she left and she head the anil on the head by calling me out and saying that i was the the type of person to hold in their feelings... at that moment i just wanted to open up to her and tell her everything i was feeling... but that voice inside held my voice tight and i simply nodded and went back to studying... when she left i was so angry at myself for not saying a word... angry at the times when otehrs have offered their ear and i simply gave it back to them... the stress of it nearly drove me to insanity until 5 muinutes later i did the only thing i could think of... it wasn't to go over to the next room and talk to my friends, it was to just sit and cry... keep my feelings inside and not let the world see my suffering... i just sat there and cried... the tears flowed like words i wished i had said... it's kinda funny too the way i cry... it's not really a weepy kind of cry or even loud for that matter... i just sat there and let the tears flow... very much like my personality, quiet at times... when i was done i walked to the bathroom washed my face and made sure to hide the signs of my pain... i even made sure my eyes weren't red and if anyone asked i would just say i was tired... it's so stupid... i guess being brought up as asian i was taught to never give anyone the burden of your problems, especially if you're a boy... from a young age i learned never to complain or say anything that would tend to upset others... as a result i'm a quiet, passive, and clam up when people want to talk.. granted you've all seen the opposite... the playful, loud, and talkative reggie... taking a hard look at myself i see that it's all merely a facade it seems... they say that comedians lead tragic lives and to some extent i feel as if they are right... i've begun to analyze my relationships with people and i see that hardly anyone i know has really sat with me and had a good long talk... not just about the current events but with everything and anything in their lives and in mine... to a greater extent i know much more about my friends than they know about me... and i think that statement says it all... what all this typing ends up to be... the fact that i as a person cannot communicate my feelings to other and to compensate i'm merely a sponge, i take it all in... i'm not saying i don't love to hear what my friends tell me because to know that people come to me and like the fact i can listen to them makes me happy... *sigh* it all makes so much more sense now.. the way my personality is at least... and the fact i don't have anyone to be with... and i really don't understand why... it fucking pisses me off that i can't have a friendship in which i feel perfectly at ease... not to say that i don't have friendships where i don't feel comfortable because i do,. but in the back of my head i know that there is this invisible barrier between us... this bridge we have yet to cross... i can see this is where i get my extreme jealously from... the fact that i feel so little makes me hold on to what i have even tighter... and anything that disturbs that i see as a threat to me... with my friends i'm like a bulldog, extremely protective of them... i'd give up my right arm to be with these people... argh, shit... i don't even know where i fucking going with this... let's just end it now by saying it's going to take a lot of time and strength for me to overcome this fear i have of sharing.. sharing my thoughts, secrets, friends, the intimate details which make up life....
it's 4 o'clock now and i just can't seem to release this stress... shoot me now someone... i have these wonderful friends in my life but in all honestly i feel as if i nothing more than an aquaintance to them.... i can't even talk to my parents... all they know of their son is that he's the pride of their family because he's the one going to med!, goddamnit... it's so stupid of me, to put my thoughts up this way, for the world to see... it would be much simpler to just walk into the next room and talk to them, but i can't i can't drive myself to do it... i think this is why sometimes i wait for people to make the first move versus myself... i can't get the inertia to do it... it's the numbing fear of getting rejected... i fear having to say meekly "it's okay, it's cool... i'm fine..." but knowing i should persue if it's wait i truely want...
the more i stay awake the more this problem persists... i can't shake it off... the picture is becoming clearer and i don't know how to react... i know what i want to say but can't say it... i can't even type it for fear of saying "too much"... it makes me mad that this stupid shit has ruined my composture... i'm actually shaking now... what's wrong with me? i'm I as emotionally unstable as i think i am? i think i'm going to take a drive...
i just got back from my drive... it's 5 am now... it did nothing.... i turned up the heat because i was shivering but it only made me sweat... it was almost like a 5 year old who runs away from home only to hide in the coat closet and come back 5 mins later... i have seriously never felt more depressed before in my life... and i know exactly why... this fucking sucks...
in the morning and i'm still wide and awake... the apartment is missing jasmine and david, but at the same time has gotten mayrin and phil (the "other" roomies)... i just got back from having a great talk with roomie steph and it's just gotten the wheels in my head thinking... i've started to analyze myself and honestly i don't like what i see... i really don't know how to get my thought processes adequately protrayed on this forum... it's so frustrating to have these thoughts in my head and no way of letting them out... and perhaps it's always been that way... i've always been a person to keep thoughts to myself and not let the world in... when asked simple questions like what's your favorite movie or what would you like do? i freeze... i think about these answers which should come easily to me... you'd think this type of response would come from talking to a stranger, but they occur when talking to some of the closest people in my life... it scares me to think that these people whom i love and care about I can never really express to them what i'm feeling or even share my deepest and most intimate thoughts... honestly, with my best friends i've never really discussed issues of relationships, their personal lives, or the small details of one's life you share with someone you trust... i wonder soemtimes if its because i'm not someone who they can trust or is it because i'm someone who just can't share those things.... my hands are shaking as i type this and really hurts knowing that this strong silent type i've become to be has isolated me from people i love... on the outside i have friends and family surrounding me and yes i interact with them on a daily basis... they are the faces i look forward to seeing everyday and yet through all the good times i've had with these people i can never really say with absolute certainty that they know me inside and out and vesa versa... that perhaps the reason why at this present moment i can't find solace in anyone... i doubt anyone close to me has ever really seen me lose my composture or even told the nitty gritty of the girls i've had crushes on... it's tragic almost, to have a best friend who has never known the that type of information which is so common amongst others... and yes i know i'm rambling on and on.. and probably by the time i wake up tomorrow I'll feel happy again but honesty i really wish i could get over this... i know eventually someone will read this and find pity or whatever and see to it they talk to me and see "what's up..." but i can't say that this openess i long for will come to them so easily...
i'm reminded of finals week last quarter and I was studying by myself in my honey's bedroom while the kids played in the other room... i guess steph could tell i was upset and she asked me what was wrong and like always i just told her nothing... she again before she left and she head the anil on the head by calling me out and saying that i was the the type of person to hold in their feelings... at that moment i just wanted to open up to her and tell her everything i was feeling... but that voice inside held my voice tight and i simply nodded and went back to studying... when she left i was so angry at myself for not saying a word... angry at the times when otehrs have offered their ear and i simply gave it back to them... the stress of it nearly drove me to insanity until 5 muinutes later i did the only thing i could think of... it wasn't to go over to the next room and talk to my friends, it was to just sit and cry... keep my feelings inside and not let the world see my suffering... i just sat there and cried... the tears flowed like words i wished i had said... it's kinda funny too the way i cry... it's not really a weepy kind of cry or even loud for that matter... i just sat there and let the tears flow... very much like my personality, quiet at times... when i was done i walked to the bathroom washed my face and made sure to hide the signs of my pain... i even made sure my eyes weren't red and if anyone asked i would just say i was tired... it's so stupid... i guess being brought up as asian i was taught to never give anyone the burden of your problems, especially if you're a boy... from a young age i learned never to complain or say anything that would tend to upset others... as a result i'm a quiet, passive, and clam up when people want to talk.. granted you've all seen the opposite... the playful, loud, and talkative reggie... taking a hard look at myself i see that it's all merely a facade it seems... they say that comedians lead tragic lives and to some extent i feel as if they are right... i've begun to analyze my relationships with people and i see that hardly anyone i know has really sat with me and had a good long talk... not just about the current events but with everything and anything in their lives and in mine... to a greater extent i know much more about my friends than they know about me... and i think that statement says it all... what all this typing ends up to be... the fact that i as a person cannot communicate my feelings to other and to compensate i'm merely a sponge, i take it all in... i'm not saying i don't love to hear what my friends tell me because to know that people come to me and like the fact i can listen to them makes me happy... *sigh* it all makes so much more sense now.. the way my personality is at least... and the fact i don't have anyone to be with... and i really don't understand why... it fucking pisses me off that i can't have a friendship in which i feel perfectly at ease... not to say that i don't have friendships where i don't feel comfortable because i do,. but in the back of my head i know that there is this invisible barrier between us... this bridge we have yet to cross... i can see this is where i get my extreme jealously from... the fact that i feel so little makes me hold on to what i have even tighter... and anything that disturbs that i see as a threat to me... with my friends i'm like a bulldog, extremely protective of them... i'd give up my right arm to be with these people... argh, shit... i don't even know where i fucking going with this... let's just end it now by saying it's going to take a lot of time and strength for me to overcome this fear i have of sharing.. sharing my thoughts, secrets, friends, the intimate details which make up life....
it's 4 o'clock now and i just can't seem to release this stress... shoot me now someone... i have these wonderful friends in my life but in all honestly i feel as if i nothing more than an aquaintance to them.... i can't even talk to my parents... all they know of their son is that he's the pride of their family because he's the one going to med!, goddamnit... it's so stupid of me, to put my thoughts up this way, for the world to see... it would be much simpler to just walk into the next room and talk to them, but i can't i can't drive myself to do it... i think this is why sometimes i wait for people to make the first move versus myself... i can't get the inertia to do it... it's the numbing fear of getting rejected... i fear having to say meekly "it's okay, it's cool... i'm fine..." but knowing i should persue if it's wait i truely want...
the more i stay awake the more this problem persists... i can't shake it off... the picture is becoming clearer and i don't know how to react... i know what i want to say but can't say it... i can't even type it for fear of saying "too much"... it makes me mad that this stupid shit has ruined my composture... i'm actually shaking now... what's wrong with me? i'm I as emotionally unstable as i think i am? i think i'm going to take a drive...
i just got back from my drive... it's 5 am now... it did nothing.... i turned up the heat because i was shivering but it only made me sweat... it was almost like a 5 year old who runs away from home only to hide in the coat closet and come back 5 mins later... i have seriously never felt more depressed before in my life... and i know exactly why... this fucking sucks...
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