the daunting task of pcc practices looms over the distance... right now i'm thinking, "what the heck did i sign myself up for?"..the amount of practices are just ridiculus... on top of that i want to be in the cast... hmmmmm... not so much scared about the dancing and acting but my whole dynamic with these people... for some odd reason i don't seem to get along with filipinos very well... or at least that's what i perceive... i don't feel as if i'm "filipino" enough to be part of kaibigan pilipino... as a whole i dunno if i'm intimidated by them or what... but i just feel like i don't fit this preconceived notion of what it is to be filipino... maybe this is all in my head...

returned to my second home, clics, to try and get some studying done... thus far i've only managed to cover one thing... ahhh well, at the very least being here at the library i feel more productive... hmmm... should i have gone to pb bar and grill with everyone else? can't help but feel a bit dettached... plenty of opprotunities next quarter when i'm done with school... found out that my job will be able to keep me for a month after my graduation... after that i'll be mooching off my parents once again until i return to LA...

i forgot to put a link up to that funny blog entry so here it is in all it's painfully funny glory

http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=keara507&itemid=87595&nc=31

anywho, today was masa and apsa's iron chef competition... yes i won... but no i don't have my trophy, yet... long ass stupid 5th grade drama story... but i'm not mad, i had lots of fun cooking for the judges and my helpers were awesome...

talent show is a week away and i'm looking forward to skit... looks like we're going to do everything live instead of an audio recording... a bit risky, but if everyone learns their lines it should work out incredibly well... i'm definitely old... i can't sleep 5 hours like i used to and still function normally... luckily tomorrow is my half day at work... i had so many deep thoughts running through my head during the day, but now sitting in front of my computer i'm a bit at a loss for words... i got my digital prints today in the mail... they look incredible... so glad i bought i digital camera... i feel as if my new years resolutions are falling apart... i haven't been keeping up with my gym schedule like i did at the beginning of the year and my checkbook has yet to be balanced... however, i'm still not giving up.. i'm going to start going back tomorrow, since now all my ish is done with... start getting back to focusing on myself... in search of a little me time...

during my expansive journies across the blogger kingdom i'm rarely moved to share or link some of the things i've read... however, as a fellow blogger so aptly put... this entry is just so "i know i shouldn't be laughing" funny... here's the preface... the girl finds a love note left for someone else and hilarity ensues... the comments i think are just as funny as the actual note itself...

lab got out incredibly early... literally took 15 mins to perform the lab... more time was spent explaining it than executing it... tried out one of the recipes i'm going to use for the iron chef competition this wednesday... tastes awesome... that trophy is mine! hahahaha... not really not concerned with trophy more or less just wanting to making some great tasting food for other ppl to taste...

currently i'm watching some cheezy filipino dramas on tv... really grateful for the fact i can totally understand what's going on, but sad that i can't really effectively communicate in tagalog... on thinking about my idnetity and what it means to be filipino recently came the observation that when asians are tan they are filipino but when they're light and pal they're chinese... take for instance my friends cat and victor... cat is always mistaken as being chinese while victor is always mistaken for being filipino... and this is all on the basis of their tans... i guess it would make sense since chinese and filipinos make up the largest percentages of asians in american... since we're on the subject i think for a long time i've been trying to figure out where i belong in the whole asian american spectrum... for some odd reason people don't seem to equate filipino with being asian, but rather as being a pacific islander... however, in the philippines if you were to ask someone from the street if they considered themselves asian or pacific islander they'd most likely associate with being asian... i think this all goes back to the tan... for the most part we've equated asian as being fair skinned and chinky eyes... i think i'm also guilty of this narrow minded vision of what it means to asian... it also didn't help that whenever my aunt came to visit me from the philippines she would alway comment on how dark i was and that i needed to buy some skin whitening soap... anywho, i guess my whole search for what it means to be filipino and asian american led me to APSA... just being a part of this group of individuals who are also trying to define what it means to be asian american is awesome... can't properly describe the gratitidue i have for this organization... yes, i'm still struggling with what it means to be filipino and asian american, but i think i've finally started to like the skin i'm in... in fact, i just finished my last bar of soap from the philippines yesterday...

perhaps one of my greatest fears, besides not becoming successful in life, is that of becoming old... not in the sense of gaining more responsiblity, but in the whole aging process... ie. losing my teeth and hair... yesterday i had another one of my aging dreams... this time instead of my teeth it was my hair... i was putting gel into my hair when i realized that i had a huge bald spot in the middle of my head... before i could panic i woke up... i think maybe some of the root of this problem is maybe this fear i have of not being accepted or that desire i have to feel loved and cherished... all of which i think comes down to my whole outward appearance... it's a sad fact of life that you're judged by how you look and i fear that if i growup to look bald and toothless i'll just be depressed for the rest of my life... speaking of which the stress of these past weeks have been taking there toll on me... i've skipped the gym for a week and i've broken out so too many times to count... bleh... not feeling cute at all... which is something i hate to admit not because i like being a narcissist, but because i feel like people who are overly conerned with their looks are just shallow and i'd hate to admit that about myself... one of those times when i just need some confirmation... will someone just tell me that i'm cute? then i'll feel much better about myself... hahaha... okie that's enough...

it's 3:40am, sunday morning... almost done with my lab report... working on the figures now... that'll probably take another 2 hours to complete since they're so time consuming and i don't have a mouse for my laptop... it's very nice to able to take my computer with me where ever i go, but it sucks when it comes to working with excel and making charts since that little touch pad isn't as dexterious as having a mouse... bleh...

as of late i've be indiscriminately spending my money... i really should keep track of my expenses in my little checkbook... so hard though... it was so much easier for me to not spend anything when i thought i didn't have any money... now with something in my back account i feel the need to spend it... i'm such a horrible saver... at the very least i made some good progress on paying off my credit card debit... with any luck by the end of the summer i'll be free from my plastic woes...

talking with a friend about future plans i mentioned briefly that there would be a biotech company making a presentation about possible openings on monday at the career center... anywho, using my med school research skills i immediately went to the companies website to see if they had any open positions in LA... nothing in LA, but their main operations are in irvine which is just far away enough from home to make me happy... perhaps this is another one of god's divine signs to me... on the plus side housing in irvine is cheap... plus it's close to disneyland =)

i'm going to call it a night and work on the those figures after i get some rest...

during the time i should have been working on my lab reports i decided to return to my former obsession with reading random people's blogs... for the most part i just hop onto a blog and then make my random jumps... there are actually a couple of stranger's blogs that i've bookmarked either because i thought they were cute in their picture or because they have interesting things to say... most of my bookmarked blogs belong to the later... anywho, starting from one of my random bookmarked blogs i magically ended up at the blog of michael tea.. i guess the cool part about this was after literally reading about 25 blogs and just taking random links i somehow was able to get connected back to myself... 25 degrees of separation? i read a stat some where that every webpage on the web is within 10 degrees of separation of each other... interesting, no?

anywho, i think i've written enough about my weird voyeuristic blogger tendencies for the year...

currently: forcing myself to sit and type out my lab reports... my progress thus far has been minimal... faackkkk...

currently trying to finish my sassy girl on my laptop... the person who captured it did it in the weirdest format... won't let me fast forward or reverse so if i stop the movie halfway through i'll have to watch the whole thing over again to get to my place... hmmm...(sidenote: the speakers on my laptop aren't that great, but the advertised "sonopur" digital audio system makes everything sound awesome when i plug in my headphone or speakers!) this will prolly take a couple of days then since i rarely have enough time to just sit and watch a movie...the exception was tonight however... i had the full intention of just staying at home to finish my homework... but my roomie asked if i wanted to see daredevil and since we rarely spend time to together i figure it would be okay to take a small study break...

we watched daredevil... the only part that i got excited about was seeing the xmen trailer right before the movie... other that that it totally blew... i know for the movies you're supposed to suspend your belief, buit i just couldn't believe ben affleck as a super hero... let alone a blind one... the fighting scenes were uninspired hong kong wannabe crap... the highlight of the actual film was that it was set in new york and it reminded me of my previous trip over winter break...

as of late, i've been missing appointments left and right... i was supposed to meet mikey for dinner on thursday, but forgot... then today i forgot to make it to the talent show fun committee picture taking meeting... i guess now is the time i should install my palm pilot software onto my laptop and sync it up...

so much to do this weekend and i want to get it all done... just a matter of where i should start...

today at work it's really slow... i thought i had a giant project to complete today, but i guess i finished it last week... it took me literally an hour to realize the samples i was searching for in the freezer had already been logged in... guess i'll go over to coffee bean and grab a sunrise...

coming to the scary realization that i'm going to be stuck in the library this whole weekend... =/.... i should have finished my labs when i thought they were due last week... honestly don't know when i'll be able to get anything done this weekend... going to take pictures on saturday, mah jong night, and then going to be gone for most of the day on sunday with angeline... bah... stress level rising...

currently watching my sassy girl... funny thing is i don't understand korean and the subtitles are in chinese... i read chinese so slow and i can only understand a couple of words... so in either language i can only guess what's going on linguistically... i can understand a little bit of the plot and thus far it's a really funny and cute movie...

had skit practice today and i'm incredibly pleased with it thus far... i even got goosebumps when i heard it... for the longest time i thought it was pretty cheesy and the spoken word just way too simple... after listening to it though i'm really excited about it... can't wait to do the audio recording of it...

here's the scene: me in the library at one of the computer stations but with two computers... i hate the fact that i have to grab my lab data from a mac and then type it onto my computer... so here i am switching my glaze from one computer to another and every so often trying to control the cursor on my computer with the mouse from the mac and then trying to type something on the mac with the keyboard on my computer... hahaha... i felt like such a nerd... even more so trying to do homework on two computers...

still waiting for ucla and usc to get back to me... the wait is incredibly painful... can't decide whether or not it's a good thing that they're making me wait for so long...

almost 2 months into the new year and i've only now been able to leave last year's hostilities and anger behind me... felt good to finally get out what was eating me up inside... feeling a lot happier now...more content with where i am...my love for APSA has definitely been renewed...

my 3 day weekend has unfortunately come to an end.. this week will definitely be my bitch week... full of meetings, homework, social engagements, grad banquet planning and prolly some other shit i failed to put into my palm pilot... =T

today we celebrated Jane's 23rd birthday... nice and small affair at her apartment... one of the gifts which i really liked was this glass picture frame that had a picture of me, angeline, sonnier, mikey, jane, and hai from APSA grad banquet 3 years ago... we look so young... brought back a lot of memories and made me realize that this quarter this steadily coming to an end... torn between finishing strong and just finishing... my senioritis has become terminal i think... extremely grateful though for having had the opprotunity to experience everything i did in college... now just a matter of seeing where i'll end up come fall... unlike my friend ethel, i don't have a high tolerance for ambiguity... it's just hard for me to accept the fact that my role in life has still yet to be established... hard for me to sit back and enjoy when i don't know where i'll eventually end up...

once again i'm not getting to bed till 2 in the morning... need to get back to my regular eating, sleeping, studying, and gymming schedule... need to reaffirm my new years resolutions... argh, the kitchen once again looks like crap... i dunno how many times i've cleaned that place... the funny thing is, i haven't cooked there in about a month...

going home for the weekend is always nice, but coming back to my bed and broadband connection is even better... besides the fact i don't really have a room when i come back home another reason why i really don't particularly like being at home is the lack of a good fast internet connection... besides my cell phone, having a fast internet connection is another one of modern life's necessities... recently i my dad discovered the wonders of burning your own cds and without a high speed internet connection he seeing first hand how dial-up really sucks...hopefully i was able to convince him to upgrade to a broadband connection... how sad it is that my life is totally controlled by technology? my friend bob the other day said she could see my house in the future as coming straight out of the sharper image catalog. to some extent i agree although as a whole most of the stuff they have in there is just overly priced cheap silver colored plastic brik-a-brak..

been staring at my computer screen for the last 3 hours trying in vain to finish up this paper i have for my US healthcare class... i'm actually torn between two ideologies... i'm taking this class pass/no pass and so in essence i can get a C on this paper and be fine... then again I think I wouldn't be very happy with myself if i let myself settle... the whole reason i took this class pnp was so that i wouldn't have to worry about grades my final quarter at UCSD... so now my computer sits in my lap generating heat as i aimlessly tap at the keyboard in the hopes a paper of mediocre quality will spew forth... funny how when i actually give myself a break i don't really take it... i could literally hammer out this paper in a little less than an hour, but i'm beating myself up over trying to write an A caliber paper... what the heck is wrong with me?

post valentine's day...

spent the night with my friend's angeline and sonnier to possibly find valentines before the day was officially over... no such luck, either way i had a fun time kickin' it with them. later that evening rachel and tina joined us. we actually found midget town... it was uneventful, i think the stories we were talking about were much more fascinating... for those not in the know, in san diego there is rumor of a small community of midgets, small people, who live in the affluent community of la jolla... everything about this community has been downsized in order to help them... smaller doors, smaller windows, everything about their property is made smaller just for them... for years i've heard the stories of how to get to this town... have to cross 2 bridges, but if you cross a third you'll disappear... or if you take pictures the midgets will come out and shoot you. so many weird and fascinating stories... let me just say, not that great of a place... looks like ordinary houses... i was more impressed at all the mansions on the mountain than anything else... when i make my first million i'm buying a house on mt. soledad... anywho, i've finally found a subject for my film for the SD asian american film festival... going to be a documentary on the urban legends of midget town and i'm also going to ride with a couple of people as they try to find the town... should be very funny and interesting... only worrying about the possible backlash from the asian little poeple community... still though it should be interesting...

valentines day is today... kinda weird... never really cared much for the holiday or even dwelled on the fact that i'm single (on this day or any other day for that matter)... was always content with the fact i have enough love from friends to keep me going... tonight my roomies, all of whom are attached, are busily working on their valentine's day gifts... it's really sweet to see the effort they're putting into their gifts... can't help but feel like i'm lefft out of the loop.. like there's some secret club i'm not a part of... for a long time i considered myself a good catch... i'm cute, have white straight teeth, smart, funny, can cook, and will someday be a rich doctor... my parents a couple of months ago during a family party were introducing me and my younger brother to the aunts and uncles... the obligatory question of whether or not i had a girlfriend came up... my mom was quick to say in tagalog "oh no, he's the good one, likes to study... my younger son, he's the playboy..." in my family apparently there is a gene from my dad's side of the family that causes "playboyism"... i guess my genetic hand wasn't dealt that card... sometime i think that i was meant to be tragically alone... young, wealthly and rich, but alone... i'm done with my single sob story...

plans for the weekend in the bay area fell through... could have called it though... =T... kinda works out i guess, the time i would've have spent in the bay i can spend on my many other projects that require my attention... at least now i can go shopping for steffie's bday gift... pottery barn, j.crfew, banana republic... the question now is, what store should i go to first?

its been raining most of the day. it was just one of those days when ust want to get into your sweats,bundle up in your blanket, and just chill in front of the tv... perfect day to make a couch cushion fort... maybe i'll do that this weekend... dunno if i'll fit inside of it, but could at least give it a try... too bad i don't got any playmates to invite over...

my roomie jaz must have been reading my mind when she invited me to go out to eat... literally the other day i was driving around town thinking about how i would like to have dinner with her just to talk... so perfect. it's funny how much we have so much in common in terms of mentality about a lot of things like raising kids or even where we want to live when we grow up. nice to know i'm not the only one who doesn't like ambiguity.

my thoughts as of late have been really incoherent... blogging from one subject to another.... prolly reflective of my current state... jumping from one project to another... don't have the time to focus on one thing and finish it completely... i'll work on one thing and then stop and then work on another... can't be good...

once again another night spent trying to finish up homework... no good in that respect, but i did manage to finally read all my research materials for the paper i'm supposed to write... at least now i have a sense of what direction my paper should go. staying up till 2 in the morning brings me back to the days when i first moved out of my house. felt like if i went to bed i'd be missing something. i guess this time around it's because of my new laptop. feel this incredible need to work and play on it. not only because it's just so cool, but i don't want my parents (and myself) to feel the purchase was made in vain. working with the mentality that if i got it, use it.

today i thought about whether or not to accept an offer to work in the LA for the summer... again, it's a matter of what happens with med schools... the terrible feeling of being in limbo won't leave until i find out what's my status with my schools... in terms of working in LA for the summer it was fun and incredibly stressful... i was on call 24 hours a day with the health and well-being of 400 students constantly in the back of my head... it was hard for me to leave campus, even for lunch, because i was afraid some kid would break his arm or go into anaphylatic shock because he decided to eat a strange berry on a dare.. i couldn't even enjoy my afternoon off in little tokyo because i was afraid of getting paged back to campus. this summer they're adding about 150 more students to the mix and this students are a lot younger, which means possibly even more boo-boos to go around. my desire for power though seems to be beckoning me to work in LA because it seems that i would have seniority over the other possible health staffers since ppl rarely return to health assistant position in LA... not to say that i would want to institute a heirarchy, it would just be nice to be able to set up the health office according to what i want since last time around i was simply following the other health assistant's lead. then again there are those parents i would have to deal with. sick kids are okay, parents of sick kids are not fun. i was once yelled at for not taking a student the ER fas enough when it was clearly the parent's fault for not signing all the forms that allowed me to take him there in the first place. either way money talks and right now i'm in the mood to listen.

return of the all nighters

tonight the apartment seems to be alive with a certain type of energy... all the roomies are up busily studying or typing out papers... it must be midterms week... i'm also up late working to finish up a lab report and research paper before i leave for the bay this weekend. so far i haven't had much progress on either...=t... tomorrow i definitely must finish at least one of my assignments otherwise i'm just screwed...

today in my e-mail inbox i received word about where i would be spending my summer... would i be working in LA like i have been for the past 3 summers or would i be in hawaii for a change of pace? well, looks like southern california is calling cuz i'll once again be spending my summer break in LA working for johns hopkins... i'm actually not disappointed... although this past summer was hell i think i really enjoyed the structure... this time around i vow to make more time to relax and hang out with ben and eric if they get called back to LA as well... i'm wondering now, how many people will be on the health staff and whether or not i have the most seniority over them. hehehe... i think i'm a bit of a power freak.

either my hormones are all crazy because of my irregular workout schedule or i'm extremely sressed out from not hearing from my med schools because i've totally broken out... bleh... either way i'm not feeling as cute i used to...

i returned to my old haunts armed with my wireless laptop in the hopes that i would be able to get some homework done... no such luck... i'm chatting and blogging away when i should be typing up a paper on the effectiveness of community clinics... need to put my early graduation present to use...

hello new friend!

just got my new laptop computer... it's kinda weird to be on a new computer, miss my old vaio a bit... still getting used to the little quirks of a notebook... the touchpad is a bit weird and i think i'm going to invest in a mouse instead... although it's not the fujitsu that i had i my eye on it is still pretty damn sweet... if apple made a PC version of their new powerbook that's what my computer would be... spent most of the night installing my old documents and programs so i didn't get a chance to finish typing up my lab report, talent show skit, and reserach paper like i had planned... oh well, tomorrow i'll have more time to play with my new toy =)

it's very weird this relationship i have with my dad... for as long as i can remember, we've never been close. the way he shows his love for me is through money. which would explain why i'm a bit materialistic, i've equated love with money... today for instance we went to frys to buy the laptop i had originally wanted, but since it wasn't there we decided to look around and see if there was anything else that i would like... we literally drove to every computer store in san diego looking for something that i would be happy with. throughout our tour of san diego's freeways, we remained silent... fast forward to best buy and i see a computer i like, but it's just way too expensive for me to ask for it. my dad cooly asks if that's the one i want... i say maybe... in the end though he ends buying it for me regardless of the price... my parents literally spoil me rotten and i just hope one day in the future i'll be able to do the same...

so much for completing my list of things to-do... =t

something i remembered from the evoke performance that i thought was weird... for some odd reason, seeing ppl eat paper makes me nauseous... so much so that it makes me gag... that type of gagging where you're trying to hold it in or you'll vomit... while watching the performers eat pieces of paper (they weren't really even eating it. they were just chewing on it) i was literally tearing up trying to hold in my disgust... what made it worse was that it wasn't just one piece of paper, they just kept putting in pieces of paper into their mouths... right now, just thinking about it i'm getting that weird sensation in the back of my throat... i guess maybe i can just imagine the paper hitting the back of my throat and causing a gag reflex... so weird. i was thinking about it on the way to my car and i was disgusted at the thought if ppl eating pieces of paper i started to cough... the kicker of all this is that i can handle blood and guts, but have someone eating a piece of lined paper and i'll go running in the opposite direction.

life in general has been in a state of limbo... not quite living but not nearly dead... this is it folks, the final push before my undergrad career comes to an end... the goal is to finish a 10 page research paper, a 10 minute skit, and 2 lab reports so i can fully enjoy my mini vacation in the bay... then after that it's smooth sailing...

just got back from an extra long day which began with work at the clinic and ended with dinner at bennigans... in between i managed to finish the paperwork for grad banquet funding, start an outline for my research paper, contacted some community clinics, called hotels, and went to watch evoke dance troope in the gaslamp... the show we saw was "rebel women"... the director called it a docu-dance... some of it was simply awesome and other times i thought "why the heck did i go to this?"... in general i think the audience was receptive to what the group was trying to portray... a comment was made about how san diego really needs a theater district... i totally agree. our downtown is weak... no culture. absolutely none... what happens when you bring culture to san diego? ppl walk out of the theater because it's strange and they don't understand it... after intermission i would say about 30% of the audience had left... so sad...

today i was the poster boy for j.crew... went in today to look for gifts for friends and myself and while i was paying for my purchases the cashier recognized my coat and oxford shirt... looking through the catalog all i could see was my friend steph... would see a khaki skirt and steph would be in it... a pink ladies polo shirt, steph was wearing it... hahaha... it's funny how you can walk into a store and picture your friends that would be shopping there...

forgot how addiciting it is to download stuff... spent most of the night crossing off songs from my "download list"... only a couple of new songs since i think most of the r&b and hip-hop on the radio now is crap... i fear that i may be losing touch with my ghetto-self... i was listening to the radio and the accoustic mix of "thug mansion" came on, i seriously could not stop laughing at how retarded the song was... who the heck comes up with this stuff? like there's really a mansion where thugs go when they die since heaven ain't made for them... hahahaha... besides that crap on the radio, nobody seems to be writing their own material anymore... it's all cover songs of old classics...

about time for me to start reorganizing my desk again... old mail and the remains from my trip to new york still are strewn about my desk... even with the all the horrible stuff to happen this week, my parents made me a very happy boy by giving me the go ahead to buy the laptop that ii've been eyeing for a while... it'll be my graduation gift... =) as hai told me last night, in regards to feeling absolutely shitty, "don't worry, once you get your new toy, you'll forget about all the horrible stuff..." as much as i hate to admit it, she was right... just the thought of getting a brand new laptop makes me happy... if you wanna check it out go to the fujitsu website... i'm getting the top-of-the-line c-series... hehehe... so exciting, wireless internet and a dvd-writer... that's probably the best thing about it... turn all my friend's episodes from kazaa into dvds... hahahaha... my good ol' vaio is getting a new home back with my little bro... what a waste... doesn't even have a cable modem... =T...

anywho, as for my future, i'm still waiting... i've started to send out my resume to companies in LA and the Bay just in case things fall through with school... at least then i'll have a plan... i told my parents either way, i'm going to become a doctor... now, it's either going to be reggie saldivar m.d. or reggie saldivar ph.d., either way, dr. saldivar has a wonderful ring to it... just a matter of time my friends... special thanks to angeline, adam, jasmine, cat, nelly, mikey, caroline, and jed for your kind words and support... =)

i'm keeping this one ambiguous on purpose...

my parents never go out to eat during the week, but when my mom called and asked me if i wanted to go i knew it had to be a sign.... if ever there was a time for me to believe in fate i think it's now... the sequence of the past day's events fell so well into place it could only be described as being meant to be... although as a whole most of what happened wasn't good, it has definitely demonstrated to me that fate does exist... i'd be lying if i said i'm not disappointed at what i saw, but i'm assuming the rest of my life will now fall into place.. within the next two week we'll see how things will turn out... placing my fate now in God's hands...

this past saturday went to UC, Irvine's apaac conference... although the turn out wasn't as big as previous years, due to the fact it fell onto lunar new year, it was still an awesome conference... whenever i go i always leave with the sense that i've accomplished something and that i've connected with my identity as an asian american. got to touch base concerning a lot of current politcal issues around the API community. watched hereandnow perform some new material which was a treat and i got to play redlight greenlight on stage.. for a while i wasn't feeling that APSA vibe... after the conference i think i have a renewed sense in my purpose for the organization..

today i went laptop shopping... unknown to my parents, yet, that's what they're buying me for graduation.... =) after much debate and research i think i've managed to narrow down my choices... either an IBM thinkpad or fujitsu c-lifebook... instead of the tiny, cute little ones from sony that i've been eyeing for almost 2 years now i decided to go for something a little more substanstial... plus it'll be nice to reclaim some of my desktop real estate... my beloved sony vaio is going to my family... the family computer is literally about to die... feel sorry for my little bro who has to go to his friend's house ot type his papers...

also on the agenda for today was changing the oil in my car... for some odd reason the simple act of changing the oil in my car myself makes me feel manly... like one of the manly arts; opening jars, throwing a football, peeing standing up, etc, etc etc...hahaha.. it's amazing how many ppl don't know how to do this either... i don't understand why someone would pay another person to change their oil, when you could do it yourself for literally half the cost and do a better job at it too! (i discovered that the last time i let the jiffy lube ppl change my oil they didn't tighten the drip pan screw tightly enough, but in constrast they literally welded the oil filter onto the engine...) i guess it's also a way of bringing me back down from my high horse... i know for a fact that my hands will probably never get to be as worn, scarred, and callused as my dad's... his hands are a product of days of hard manual labor... my hands in comparison are down right girly... no rough spots, no scars, and the only dirt that gets under my nails is from the beach... that one hour while i'm changing the oil in my car and my hands are black with old oil and grime i'm transformed from meek scientist to rough redge... hahaha, okie maybe not, but still changing your own oil builds character...

the longer i wait, the more i doubt myself... when will med school replies come in? still nothing from the schools i turned in my secondaries to. i've started to think about my backup game plan if things don't work out this time around. if i get into med school i'm moving away from san diego, if i don't get into med school i'm still going to move away from san diego... i'll try to find a job doing some clinical research and then reapply with my own money... why the hell i'm i thinking about not getting into med school? i'm fuckin smart enough to get in... i have the passion... i have the drive... *sigh*...

got a random call from my friend ben... we both applied to CTY-hawaii... still waiting on that too... =/...

aside from my constant worrying that i've been rejected by both CTY and med schools, life marches on... my life in general has fallen into a predictable pattern of work, school, and gym time... inbetween i find the time to kick it with friends... today i went out for boba with momo... had a good long conversation about anything and everything and i'm glad that we both took the time to get to know each other better... we each got a chance to rant and bitch about everything that was going wrong in our respective lives...

i've gotten closer to jasmine now that i'm not in the library all the time... it's tv that always seems to bring us together... we seem to talk about the most random things... it's really nice though to have someone in the apartment i can just talk to... for awhile i withdrew myself from roomie social interactions... if only baker was home more often it would be perfect... i'd have someone to listen to my ramblings and someone else to eat my cooking... speaking of apartment situations, my parents want me to move back in after i finish this quarter... i wouldn't have a problem with it if i knew i were going to be leaving soon after, but without anything for sure in terms of school i'm left with the fear i may be stuck living at home for a while... luckily because of my lease, i won't be moving out till the beginning of may...

i've said it almost a million times already, but i miss phil, stephanie, and IG... that apartment was the center of our lives for 2 years... like monica's apartment on friends or the bar in cheers... anywho, happy new year guys... sorry we can't spend it together having dim sum...