while working on my biometry (biological stats for you ppl who didn't know) lab i came upon the crazy realization that i had no fucking clue what i was doing... it was that same paralyzing fear that comes over you when you reach a midterm/final question you just don't know how to answer... so you just do whatever and trick yourself into thinking you answered the question... hadn't felt that unprepared in a while... which means i'll be in the library all this weekend trying to teach myself this shit... argh, i really really hate anything that requires math. esp this class becuase i doubt it'll ever come into play as a doctor... i consider it my challenging class... in that if i can just grit abd bear it and get an A it'll be all good...

well, it's official. i'm set to graduate this winter. this time last year i wasn't ready to leave. i felt like i had so much more i needed to do before i left, but now i'm more than willing to leave my place here at ucsd. time for me to move on. i've told a couple of ppl already i need a drastic change in my life...

i'm praying that my letters of rec get into the career office by tomorrow... i really want to send them out already. plus it takes almost 5 days for them to send them out after i request them. in terms of application usc is done. ucla is about 49%, and loma linda is at 80%... only ucdavis is left. still praying everyday for ucla... in all honestly ucla is my dream school. the school i wanted to go to back in high school. if i could go back and change things would i? ask me in may when i find out which med school i'll be attending and then i'll tell you. =)

everything happens for a reason....

when i thought my options for med school were slim, i'm once again surprised, delighted, and confident.. it's strange, when i first started college i was more than confident in my abilities... i was down right cocky... by my second year i had picked out my top choices for med school and it was all a matter of picking which acceptance letter to send back. flash forward to today where now the work of 4 long years finally pays off... i'm still in disbelief that it's all really happening... crossing my fingers and hoping for interviews now... pray for me ppl...

the drastic change in weather has put my allergies into overdrive... my eyes were watery and itchy all day and my nose would not stop running... and i think i've developed a tolerance to benedryl, took it about a half hour ago and still not feeling sleepy and my symptoms are still there... i shouldn't have bought the cheapy vons brand medicine... too bad claritin isn't over the counter... just thinking back to my summer in la when i was a health assistant.... i remember having my favorite pills... no, i didn't take any... just had my favorites because some were asethetically pleasing... like the green claritins that looked like skittles or the concertas that looked like mini vienna sausages... okie... my nose is raw and i want some sleep...

random realization

i think the drag queen that yelled at me for "cheating" at bingo may have been the same one the yelled at mayrin over the phone when she tried to make reservations for 20 the day of her birthday....

from 1 in 5,500 to 1 in 3,000...

now hopefully 1 in 600 to 1 in 124...

at the edge
i've come to the point in my undergraduate career where i know it'll all soon be over. up until now i wasn't ready to leave ucsd. i'm not saying that i'm 100% ready, but more prepared.

props to my buddies phil and the stephanies (both a. and n.) who are as much my premed advisors as that bastard in the career service center who made me cry is. for a while i was unsure of myself and doubted in my abilities. for me failure, rejection, and disappoint are strong deciding factors in my life. i would much rather not try at all than to try and fail. this type of thinking as effected almost every aspect of my decision making... i've always grown up with the mentality that if i can't get it right the first time don't bother trying at all. after receiving my secondaries i slowly begin to think about whether or not i could make it. the task at hand seemed almost impossible. i started to think of plans B, C, and D as a way of lessening the blow should rejection come. at one point i was going to move out of the country. but after talking to them I've come to realize that if i put my 100% effort into everything i do then there should be no need for disappointment. sometimes a guy needs a little bitch slap once in a while.

could it be that i'm technologically satiated? i went to Best Buy today with the full intention of buying myself a gaming system, but after talking to phil i nixed the gaming system. with that i decided to look around to see if there was anything else i could possibly want or need. a new palm pilot would be nice i thought, but have one already and it works just fine. a new mp3 player? eh. none of them have yet to pass my style test which is the first one i apply to anything i buy. if it looks good then i'll see if it actually works. thought about getting a new laptop but Best Buy doesn't have the best selection in terms of what i want. something small, thin, with wireless web. nothing. decided to look for a new phone. the lady couldn't really answer any of my questions. felt guilty later for asking questions i knew this poor old lady couldn't answer. which begged the question... what the heck was this women who undoubtedly was older then my mother doing selling cell phones?!? i walked out of Best Buy empty handed, but didn't feel like i missed out on anything. shocked is the word. for once there wasn't something there that i just had to have. maybe i should go to tokyo....

they both just stared up at me with that look. the one where you know you did something wrong, but they see from your face that you're refusing to acknowledge it. i've been busy i replied. one of them shot back that i had ditched class twice already this week and the other said my midterms were already over. yeah i know i should have spent more time with you. i'm sorry... they both said that their patience was wearing thin and that if i didn't do something about it my opprotunity would be gone. since it's a long weekend i promised them i'd have more time to spend with them.

damn, secondary applications are sons of bitches.

secondary reaction

in the world of immunology a secondary response refers to the immune system's ability to mount a faster and increased intensity to a repeated antigen. in essence, your body has learned to fight an infection more effectively. i think i've reached that point with my classes. in order to spare myself from another infection of mind numbing classes i've decided to implement a series of treatments which include sleeping through class, ditching class, and watching tv at home... thus far it's been working...

it's 6th week and senioritis has gotten the best of me... i'm tired of school and i'm tired of taking classes i don't care about. the good news is that a 3 day weekend is coming up.. the bad news... my stupid paycheck hasn't arrived yet... =/... that's not good... looks like i'm going to need to pull out a loan from the bank of mom and dad, although i think i'm already overdrawn there... my procrastination has also gotten to the point where i've been revamping everything in my life... from away messages to closet... also have taken up to taking random pictures everywhere i go... alright off to my last class of the day...

with the expansion of the internet, wireless networks, voicemail, and texting (which i don't think is a real verb) you would think it would be easier to get a hold of your friends... it's not... =P


MouseNg22: hi honey!

Auto response from mochicamry: coffee run...

MouseNg22: poo
------------------------------------------------------
mochicamry: are you back yet?

Auto response from MouseNg22: heep heep-hop heep-hop-anonomous??

mochicamry: the internet equivalent of phone-tag....

after finishing my immunology midterm i started walking back to the cross for the APSA officer meeting... as my mind usually does while i'm walking, i started to day dream... i remembered when i was a little kid there was this cartoon called the city of gold or the lost city of gold... anywho, what i do remember was that the protagonists could call this huge mechanical golden condor whenever they needed help. watching that show made me wish, i too had a golden condor... fast foward to today... why the heck would i want a condor? just realized that condors aren't actually as cool looking as i remembered, not like a bald eagle or a falcon... in fact, they are done right ugly birds... no hair on their necks and head because the they're carnivores so it's just bald and pink... looking for like vultures than anything else... you can golden condor to the list of weird things i wanted as a kid... in that list these is also a motor home, snoopy ice cone maker, and pool with a killer whale...

night time came and once again i was calling it a night... i could have sworn it was light out when i went into the library a couple of hours early... did you know japan is one of the only industrialized nations that doesn't have daylight savings time? as i stepped into the elevator i shuffled through the mail seeing if anything was for me. bill, wallstreet journal, politcal propaganda, and then two envelopes from UCLA School of Medicine. hmmm... earlier that i day i was wondering if i was going to get word from any of the med schools i had applied to. like divine intervention i had my answer in my hands. i eyed the envelopes trying to figure out what each could be. most likely one was that they had received my application, but the other i couldn't figure out what it was. either a "thank you for applying, but no thanks.." or "you've been selected to submit additional material".... i figured the it was most likely the first of the two as to not disappoint myself. i grabbed the letter opener from my desk and opened each piece of mail saving the UCLA letters for last. i thought delay the bad news as long as possible. i opened each envelope and selected one to read. my eyes scanned the document for any key phrases thanking me or wishing me luck with my other school choices... instead, it was a letter pleased to inform me that my application was moving furthur in the process and that i can get started on my secondary materials! woo hoo... so thus far i've received secondaries from my top med school choices... at least with the UC schools i know they really want to see what i have to offer versus USC which may just want me for my $90 application fee... i could definitely see myself as a bruin... i'm actually quite revealed, for the past week i was thinking about my possible contingency plans in case things with med school didn't work out and whether or not i should change the heading of my blog... at least now i can send off some my letter's of rec which i think are very strong and should help to get me noticed...

tonight i'm going to restart something i used to do back in high school. back then i remember having extremely vivid dreams. dreams so real in fact once i woke up pissed off at a friend because we had argued in the dream and i thought it was real. because i kept a journal back then i can still recall some of my favorite ones. i guess now the lightpen my roomies bought me will come in handy when i need to jot down my dreams in the middle of the night... my movie project has become stagnant has the idea of producing a documentary has lost it's appeal. a short work of fiction perhaps? really need to hold a brainstorming session...

did i mention how wonderful this crisp, cold weather is? just puts me in a happy christmasy mood. although some people hate to go christmas shopping i for one love it. it's just so much fun to go out on my own to find gifts for the people i care about. and this cold weather always brings up images of me bundled in my jacket while wandering around fashion valley and utc trying to find the perfect gifts. although, it is kinda crazy that halloween hasn't even come and the christmas decorations are already out.

anywho, two midterms tomorrow... i'll be a much happier person 24 hours from now...

weekednds are usually reserved for sleeping in and chilling... this weekend was the exception... non-stop work both school and apsa wise...

got up early to study at this cool coffee shop in pb that was once a house. too bad it rained because it would have been cool to sit out in the sun and study. the best part of the day was coming back to yummy maki to have dinner. it wasn't so much the dinner that made my day, but the weather. i love it when it gets chilly and dark at nights. always reminds me of christmas/winter time. funny thing, when i put my playlist on rnadom it happened to select a couple of christmas songs in a row... all of them reminded me of when me and roomie stef cooked thanksgiving dinner... we downloaded the songs and played them as i cooked the rest of the dinner. we even got dressed up and waited for our guests like a married couple. the human mind is amazing in the fact that one short blip of stimulation (ie. scent, sound, sight) can cause a whole cascade of memories and emotions.

mentor mentee program is off the grown and although there are some points i wish i could have improved upon i'm quite happy with the result. two midterms this week and one next... on top of that ucs secondary application... don't expect to see me until december... =P

now is the time i ask for a little break... with 3 classes, apsa, and work i hardly have the time to actually sit and study, let alone get a decent amount of sleep... i miss philip, for some odd reason school was much easier with him around... even while i studying hardcore for the mcat there was always the family to come home to... not anymore... anywho, in good news i just received my secondary application for usc! woo hoo... my number one choice for med school although it's also the most expensive one. keep your fingers crossed that i get invited for an interview! =)

auditioned for nsu's diversity... talk to me personally if you want to know how it went. on top of everything i just realized that i'm still trying to get the mentor mentee program off the ground... and two midterms are just around the corner... this blog blows...

woo hoo! go trojans!

my stress level at this moment has literally fell through the floor... got my first letter of recommendation and my professor even said that from my letter i sound like a very interesting person and that this letter would be something the committee would really like to read. it's nice to get a little affirmation once in a while... esp considering the fact i was really doubting in my abilities... after that i was literally on cloud 9... so happy i didn't even mind going to section right after even though i wasn't in the mood initially... although i think i may be suffering from senioritis i'm still as busy, if not more so, as ever. i'm hardly ever home as phil duly noted today... tomorrow though the plans are simple... round up one more letter of rec, go shopping, and then chill for the rest of the night. no work tomorrow and for once i can really sleep in... definitely going to enjoy this little reprise i've gotten.

during class today i started thinking about the film project i want to pursure... decided instead to change up the subject matter... instead of mahjong going to try and make a documentary on boba... still have yet to decide what my catch will be, but this seems at least an easier place to start at... i mean, should be enough people on campus who are crazy about boba to make a real entertaining documentary or at least a mockumentary... for some odd reason armando came to my mind as someone who i would want as my central character...

so glad i went to clics tonight... always feel so accomplished when i finish all my homework. =)

because one of my former professors dope he's letting me write my own letter of rec. at first when i followed the outline he gave me i was bit a disappointed, it was sparse and didn't contain anything new that i didn't write about in my personal statement or included in my application. after tinkering with it and adding what i felt would be compelling points of interest for the admissions committees i think i sound like a very well rounded and overall good candidate for medical school if i do say so myself.

note to self: once i learn to drive a manual correctly my new car will be a 2 door BMW 3-series, in either metallic blue or red...

3rd week now... time to buckle down... have only been to clics 3 times this quarter... way below my average considering i have far less to distract me... tonight i studied for only one class and then spent the rest of the night bathed the soft glow of the television with jeff and richard watching a very brady sequel... something is definitely wrong... i think i may have contracted something... it was envitable given the position i'm in... only two more quarters left and i'm done with UCSD... yup, i think i have senioritis... didn't know i was a carrier of the illness...

finally 22 years old... or as i like to say 21 + 1... cuz 22 just sounds so old... did so many fun things this week and just would like to extend my thanks to all my friends who celebrated with me =) wednesday night went to Lips with Mayrin and met some interesting characters. i was even bitched out by a drag queen... guess i can check that off my list of life experiences... if you've ever watched Sex And The City, there's this one episode with street trannys which is closely reminiscent of what happened between me and the drag queen... to quote mayrin "the worst part about it was i didn't know if i was being yelled at by a man or a woman!"... puahaha...

friday night played at chuck e cheese and celebrated duel parties with lizelle... thanks in large part to sonnier and angeline who planned it. =) my roomie even played a bunch of games to win me a little disco light... cost about 1000 tickets to win that baby! thanks bobo head...

and then just last night went to culture shock's choreographers showcase... can i say the show was freakin awesome?!? it was well worth the money spent. the teams that exhibitioned were great. including this one group of 7 and 9 year olds who dedicated their performance to the Sponge Bob Squarepants.

should i take a nap or work some more on my big to-do pile? fuck it... it's 3rd week, i'm a senior and i'm tired... i'll nap then work... =)

dayam... didn't realize that the usc application deadline is this tuesday.... which means that secondaries should be around the corner... cross your fingers people...

weekend over

my whirlwind weekend of auditions and asian film festival have finally come to an end... after attending the festival i've been inspired to finish my long awaited movie project... after about 2 years of saying i want to make a movie i think that I'll finally get up and do it... can't seem to find that book that lizelle bought me about screenwriting... wish i could find it. =/ no real plans yet, definitely want to do a documentary on some aspect of my life. anywho, all my close friends be on the watch i may ask you to take part in my little project. funny thing, when i was thinking about making a movie with my friends 2 years ago, i sent out an e-mail to all my peeps telling them what i had planned... i guess inadvertently i had e-mailed this guy in hawaii i had interviewed about taiko drumming... anywho, fast forward three weeks after i sent out that original e-mail... i get this e-mail reply saying he can't wait to see my new film project and wants to know when it will be released in hawaii... funny? okie, maybe only to me...

anywho, tonight marked the last audition of my undergrad career... sad and disappointed... mainly because i'm spoiled and used to getting what i want... although, it's not like i wanted them to just give me a position... when i want something bad enough I'll work my ass off for it... just sucks that it didn't happen this time around. totally busted it tonight... props to david reyes who tried out with me... you totally rocked with your harlem shake down... hahahaha... anywho, when you work hard for a goal and someone says no, it's always disappointing... i'm sure by 3rd week of school it'll be long forgotten... just hope this doesn't follow me to med school...

just watched first episode of the bachelor with roomie jasmine... as predicted he kept the "exotic" asian women... besides that though, watching the show made me think... were these women in it because they truly believe in love at first sight or because they're all just desperate to get hitched? perhaps a combination of both. seriously, almost half the women said that they've dated before and have yet to find mister right and that they hoped they would get picked. tonight the group of 25 was chopped down to 15. of the 10 that were eliminated one women actually was about to cry because she wasn't going to get married on the show. come on now!

sidenote to self: find the point at which i became so vengeful...

just got back from an evening of studying... made myself a sandwich from leftover chicken adobo... it was pretty darm good with lettuce and some hot sauce... beginning to miss rice everyday. hopefully with this school routine in place i can start cooking on a regular basis.

this bit is for people in the know. looks like me and steph will easily win goldifsh gladiators... of the three fish remaining the two left in the "small" group have developed an infection either from stress or bacteria, but either way they don't stand to last for too long. our little black goldfish that could has a high probability of winning us the jackpot of $2.50 each! is he does it, i'll take him out of the tank and give him a spot on my desk. Go Blackie!

got my celica bit char-g the other day and a black "got adobo?" apron today... hahahaha life is definitely sweet.

it's zero hour baby! first day of school starts tomorrow and boy i can't wait. =)

talking to steph earlier todayabout some of my plans for the coming year and mentioned how i felt like one of those retirees who starts taking up new activities... started going back to the gym, enrolled in a gymnastics class with my little bro, and entertaining the idea of returning to kendo... today also marked the day i finally put all my uc med school applications into their respective envelopes. no longer going to fuss over it. going to the post office tomorrow to send them out. one less thing to worry about.

finally found the time to sit down and type. been away from the apartment for about two days and yet it feels like more.

APSA is starting up again. we had out very first officer meeting of the year. it was long as usual, but it was nice to be back with a group of familiar faces. although, honestly, i don't know if i feel the same way i did about 3 months. i soon found myself tapping away at my palm pilot when i found the meeting heading a standstill...

structure is a good thing. i think it's something i've been missing these past couple of quarters. i'm one of those strange individuals that strives off of structure and finds ambiguity to be scary... although i do know that the world is not divided into strictly black and white i still find comfort in having boundaries and rules. maybe this is why i find people who are spontaneous so entrancing. it's the fact they don't seem to be limited by rules or constraints. as this quarter starts i can already tell it's going to be almost like return to my freshman year. school, work, studying, and then a sprinkling of social time... dude, i'm a nerd. =P

got to drive my dad's benz around the other day and it has clutchless shift... didn't really know what the heck i was doing... just shifted the car whenever i felt the need... looks so much more fun to shift a car on tv or while watching other people do it... to remedy this adam has graciously offered his services in teaching me how to drive stick. =) hope i don't ruin his transmission...

with the start of the new school year comes the anticipation and hope that this year will be great. plus i always have extra cash to buy new clothes and toys. check out my latest toy! since most of you can't read japanese I'll tell you about it. it's called bit char-g (pronounced bit charge) and it's a tiny, only 2 inches, RC car modelled after realworld cars. steph first told me about it when terence told her that he wanted one. i was bored today looking for a new toy and happened to remember steph mentioning it. what could i say? i love toys. =D

it took me nearly 3 months to complete, but it's done. finally and absolutely done. that's right, both my uc and amcas applications are complete and ready to send out. just need to do a little photocopying and grab a little extra cash from my parents and my applications will be sent with the hope that at least one school will find me desireable. once i finish with the letter of recs my stress level will definitely be a notch lower.

went home today to check up on my family, drive my dad's benz, and to wash my car... afterwards i looked through the coat closet in the hopes of finding something cool. earlier i had found my dad's old scrubs and decided that i would take those back to my apartment. while opening up old garment bags i came upon something. my dad's government issue navy peacoat!!! i took it out from the garment bag and examined it with the same glee children save for opening christmas presents. the wool made the coat incredibly heavy and the statin lining was made the coat feel "oh so" good against my skin. i thought to myself, this coat will definitely come in handy during those freak san diego rainy days... only problem was the sleeves were too short. dayam... =/ should have figured it before... i'm about a couple of inches taller than my dad now. but that coat would've have looked awesome on me.

p.s. no matter how many times i try to organize my desk it always ends up getting trashed a couple of hours later... case in point... i spent 2 hours reorganizing all my papers and books into a managable pile this morning and now it's just crammed with crap again... big blue bowl, my mickey mouse cup, and a half eaten moon cake have taken up the remaining space which was supposed to be my work area... maybe if i didn't eat at my desk this wouldn't happen as often.

"I don't feel like there's 3000 miles separating me from SD. I feel like I'm just on a short vacation and I'll be back in a couple weeks. It doesn't feel like I'm so far from everyone in SD." my sentiments exactly philip...

tongiht we unofficially celebrated jed's 22nd bday at margarita rocks in pb... funny thing, i think we were the youngest people at that place... i think the median age was about 40... at first we noticed a guy with a terrible receding hairline and then shortly made the realization that everyone else at this dance club/bar was old... not that there's anything wrong with it... old people need places to hangout too... just got me thinking how sad it is to see single 40 somethings trying desperately to find someone to hook-up with... made me dowright scared... i mean by this age you should have already found that special someone and settled down.... or so i say in accordance to convention... call me a helpless romantic or old fashioned, but i think by 30 everyone should be married or at least at point in their lives where they're ready to commit... either that or have a back-up plan, right steph? =)

i popped a couple of skittles into my mouth as i was typing and realized i had just brushed my teeth already so i spit them out... they left trails of orange, red, and green on the tissue paper as they slid down to the bottom of the waste basket...

fun boy #1 hits new york...

so it's official... philip will be leaving for new york tomorrow morning around 6... the feeling is definitely one i'll slowly have to get used to... not going to write a lot about how much i'm going to miss him or the things i will miss, because it's never really goodbye with phil... more like i'll see you later..

top ten phil moments/memories/adventures:

10) learning to throw a football
9) playing in the APSA office/SAAC lounge
8) learning how to surf
7) phil's c-walk
6)Triple K and the PERMzookie
5) worms and perfect dark
4) playing on-line while mayrin is away
3) QT with the Family
2) Spring Break '01 - West Coast!!!
and my number one memory of phil...
1) "what are you doing?... where do you want to eat?"

the picture of the day is dedicated to my partner in crime, the original fun boy, philip

finished at last! finished writing the most important part of my med school application, the personal statement... needs one last revision to remove the fluff and i'm done... now for the easy part or so i say...

decided i needed to hammer out my personal statement and application once and for all... closed the door to my room and vowed not to come out until i had finished everything... unfortunately it was a bit counterproductive to lock myself in my room because i ended up just taking a nap. although I did wake up 15 mins later, like i had planned, I ended up going back to sleep for about 1.5 hours... not good... and now i'm sitting at my desk blogging away instead of working on my statement... i'm halfway through the much needed revisions and then i'll work on my extra-curricular activity stuff... feels like it's finals week. not in the sense that i have tests to worry about, but in that sense i have more free time than i'm used to and I'm wasting it playing on the internet (chat, e-mail, playing games) take for instance this game i like to play. i'll randomly go to a personal website and try to see if i can make my way back to my blog or at least back to someone's blog i know of. so far i've only been slightly successful. however, i have managed to find a couple of interesting personal websites via this little hansel and gretel game i play. it's the whole voyeuristic pleasure i guess which makes looking through other blogs and personal pages so interesting. you can look through all you want and only if you want them to know you can let them know you had paid them a visit. i really admire the people that write well... you can tell who those people are... these are the ones when you read one blog you want to read through more. getting to know them through their thought processes and how well they can communicate them... almost as if by reading their blogs you've made a connection with this person.

within 2 weeks school will start up again and the beginning of the fun crew diaspora...

the more time i spend at work the more i realize how much i like it... never really liked the idea of doing research as a career, but this job has definitely opened my eyes to the possibility of doing research as a doctor...

lately the apartment has been quiet and lonely... both good and bad... good in that i get to work on my med school application which has been sadly ignored most of the summer... bad in that i'm lonely... =( usually at times like this i would call phil, mayrin, or steph... so this is what the rest of school year will be like? hmmmm... not so sure i'm ready for the change...

came to the conclusion that the turtles are indeed evil... walking past their tank i saw them fighting over the last surviving goldfish in the tank... the poor guy, i really thought it was going to last since it had grown so big and fat.. i guess being so fat it just slowed it down...the thing was i had just feed all of them; the goldfish and the perpetually hungry turtles. it was like coming across a bloodly car wreck... couldn't help but watch... call it my scientific hunger for knowledge... i just reminded of when i was younger i would go into the backyard and do my own nature documentaries... i would take the hose and flood a section of my parent's garden and watch as all the bugs would come out... so interesting to see how the different bugs tried to survive the freak rain storm i had produced... it was like watching those documentaries of when the amazon floods and it floods so high even the monkeys are looking for refuge... hahaha... can't believe i remembered that =)

today marked the last day of viewing for my grandfather alberto tiong which lasted from friday afternoon to saturday afternoon... i guess you would say that at this point in the grieving process i'm inbetween sorrow and acceptance... the past two days have been exhausting for our whole family especially my mother who has taken care of most of arrangements... as a friend put it to me in an e-mail it was time now to celebrate his life... my grandfather was a man that was greatly loved as was apparent by the showing of his friends and family... it even provided me and an opprotunity to get together with my cousins who i hardly see since i moved out of the house... sitting outside the chapel today me, my bro and my dad talked about his life and what a character he was... the hardest part was the end when we had to close his casket... beforehand me, my bro and cousins stood around him just touching his hair and his hands until it was time to really say goodbye... undoubtedly the most heartbreaking moment was when my mother was asked to close the casket lid and she told us as her voice gave out to say goodbye to our lolo one last time... for my mother she still has a couple more days to go... she'll be flying to philippines where my grandfather will be buried next to my grandmother...

for myself now i can begin to heal...

drag queens and research...together at last!

today was todd's last day... todd is the lab assistant i'll be replacing at the research clinic i'm working at... to say that the lab has a very liberal attitude towards everything would be an understatement... no surprise here that the former location of the clinic was above Lips,a drag queen restuarant/show... plus it's only a couple of blocks away from the heart of hillcrest... back to the title of this blog... turns out that todd is also a drag queen... today during his goodbye lunch he dressed up as not only one drag queen, but two! Clamydia Concubine and another name which i forget... wish i had my digi cam with me today... that would've made it as my pic of the day... hahaha... anywho, did i say that this lab is one of the most relaxed places i've worked in?

today's pic of the day

with all the beauty in the world and a digital camera to capture it all i've decided to post up pics of the day/week/month/whatever,,,

love you

after fighting the good fight my lola, alberto tiong, passed away yesterday; saturday, auguat 31st, 12:45pm... ever since he was in the hospital my family and i have been in a state of semi-mourning... he can finally rest and be with his "mrs."... we went to see him shortly after his passing... all the times i saw him there i tried to hold back the tears, but saturday i left it all out, held his hand and wept... felt good to cry... seeing his picture i can hear his voice... he always talked to me in english whereas my parents always talk to me in tagalog... he would also make up short silly songs for me and my little bro... i'm sure now if he saw me crying he would sing "anak why are you cry? cry are you why anak?" and then laugh... almost yoda-esque =)...

so many things i wanted to tell you and ask you lolo before you left... i miss you and love you very much...

should i? or shouldn't i? deciding whether or not i should consider myself disadvantaged for med school applications... i mean in a bigger picture yes i'm disadvantaged being asian american coming from an immirgant family, but then i wouldn't say i that i'm from the ghetto either... or is it more than just material wealth that i should consider? i wonder if it'll come up in an interview... hmmmm... need to discuss this some more

anywho, i'm exhuasted... spent the day at work and the afternoon back at the hospital... lolo is getting weaker and because he didn't have his dialysis treatment he's been retaining water... his whole body is just full of liquids... the wrinkles in his skin are gone and now he has a pudgy little buddha face... he's been comatose ever since he was brought to the hospital... although just thinking about losing him makes me weep like a baby, standing by his side i was comforted by the thought that he was probably reliving his life again... bringing back all his old memories and thinking about how pretty soon he'll be with his wife back home in the philippines... i was thinking about it and couldn't believe the sacrifrices he made to help raise me and my little bro... moved to the united states when i was about 5 while my lola stayed in the philippines to take care of my cousins... he would come back to be with her almost every summer until she passed away in 92... could you imagine leaving your spouse for months at a time to take care of your grandkids? i'm kicking myself right now for being the little bastard i was when i was younger... he received his last rites today and tomorrow i'll be back at the hospital again...

today was unexpectedly busy day... work, med school stuff, and more importantly i was back in the hospital... not for myself, but for my grandfather who's health has been slowly deteriorating... i got the call from my mom to get home quick so i could drive her to hospital... my dad had saved his life by giving him cpr and calling an ambulance, but the prognosis doesn't look so good... eyes not responding to light... possible sign of brain damage... had to perform cpr on him twice while in the icu...
i listened as my mom talked to the kidney specialist... it'll be touch and go, but we're expecting the worse... for a while now we've all been scared of what was going to come next... for my lolo i think he realized his time was nearing even before this incident... everytime i go i try to be strong, but my emotions get the best of me... funny how the doctor told me to take care of my mom when it's hard enough for me to deal with it... right now i'm just awash in emotions... memories running through my head and the tears only ebb and never flow cuz we all know boys shouldn't cry... tried to wash out the thoughts by swimming... almost passed out on my way back to the apartment... anywho, i'll check up on my lolo tomorrow after work...

went down to hillcrest to talk to the director of the HIV research lab for the position i had applied to... he gave me the tour and my thoughts were that i had left a pretty good impression... in fact, the language he was using seemed to suggest i had the job already... it wasn't until he mentioned that there was another candidate that i got worried... although i should mention he did say i was one of his top choices...=) he first said he'd get back to me by friday since he had one more person he wanted to interview, but as i left the office he said he'd be able to get back to me by thursday for sure... good sign, no? anywho, as i was about to leave the apartment an hour after my interview low and behold i got the call... he said he liked me so much he wanted me to start ASAP... woo hoo! looks like i start tomorrow or today depending on how you look at things... my fortune cookie was right then... something to the effect that i would soon reap the rewards i was waiting for... =) looks like it's chinese food every night!

after about a week of searching and sending out resumes i finally got a bite... come this time next week i might be working for UCSD Medicine in one of their labs in Hillcrest... let's cross our fingers...

my personal statement has finally been taking shape... it's gone through so many revisions right now and i'm still in the process of narrowing down what i want to put in it... my self-imposed deadline is to finish everything by 12pm tomorrow so i can submit it for revisions at the career center and then hopefully send out the final draft by sunday.

thursday night... no plans whatsoever... usually at a time like this i would be with phil, mayrin, and steph... this summer feels a bit different than other summers... it's the summer of change...i think i'm going through what's termed as empty nest syndrome... the kids are gone and now i have nothing to do... everyone in the apartment has been pretty busy which leaves me to my own devices... perfect opprotunity to work on my personal statement for med school... but maybe i'll work on that tomorrow... =)

no matter how much i try to clean my desk it always ends up getting messy... i organize it and papers just magically appear on it... speaking of papers... i now remember why i put off my med school application... it's the personal statement... everytime i try to work on it my mind just goes blank... i try to be eloquent and it comes off wordy... i try to be witty and it comes off sounding trite... giving myself till sunday to finish and send off my application... =/

just watched monster's ball... interesting movie although i thought the story line was a bit slow...

project headboard

when we were moving out of our last apartment i noticed that my cheap ass green sheets had left a green stain on the wall where a headboard should have been... all summer i was debating whether or not to buy a bed so that my sheets wouldn't rub up against the wall and do the same thing in our new apartment... after thinking it through i decided to scatch the idea since i could better spend the few hundred that i would spend on a new bedframe and headboard to paying off my credit card debt... armed with some inspiration and the fact i knew i could make something better than what i would find ready made at ikea, i set out to make my bed... although i didn't build it myself a new bed, i did come close...looks quite professional... plus, it all came to a total cost of $80...pretty damn good i would say.. thinking about it now i should have taken a picture of my bed before and after... anywho, my inspiration came from bamboo... take a lookie and see for yourself...

since we're on the subject of asian persuasion... just got back from margaret cho's latest film "notorious c.h.o."... think "kings of comedy".. it was pretty good and it was just screaming with overt sexual content... wanted to see the dangerous lives of alter boys, but it wasn't showing at the landmark... the one and only indie film theater in san diego... how pathetic... i think for the time being i'm foregoing hollywood movies in favor of more well thought out films... i remember from my cult classics class that my instructor would refer to good works of art as films and everything else (ie. mainstream hollywood crap) as movies... suggesting that films are studied and enjoyed where as movies are merely eye candy made for profit... the definition stuck with me... after margaret's film i went back and plopped on the couch to partake of the bounty that is digital cable... found another asian film "eat a bowl of tea" starring russel wong... it was pretty good... the thing i liked about it was that although it was about chinese ppl in the 1940's the story didn't revolve around their race, but their lives... unlike "the debut" which sought to provide a whole spectrum of filipino culture into less than 2 hours... the whole thing plays out like one long pcc/pcn...

the races proved anything but profitable... although it was overcast the weather just seemed to zapp the energy out of me... anywho... it's late/early so better get some sleep

too lazy to really go over the details of my trip... but you can see my pics here...

anywho, back in san diego and loving it... going to go to the horse races on saturday which will hopefully prove profitable... go zam zam!

seattle

time for really quick update while i have access to a computer.. while we were driving past the city in out rental car the memories and excitment of my previous trip up the coast came flooding back... took a bunch of pictures on my new digital camera =)... sonnier's place is quite small. reminds me of the apartment in "coming to america" only smaller... to quote jane "now i know what it feels like to be poor..." hahaha... seriously, the three of us have been sleeping in a room smaller than sonnier's office here at work... we try to spend as little time as possible back at his place... anywho, been quite the tourist while here in seattle... went to the space needle, international district, seattle underground, alki beach, pike's place market, and no visit to seattle would be complete without a picture in front of the lusty lady adult theater... their latest film is "the eyeful tower"... our first night we watched the new seahawks arena christening in a glow of fireworks... anywho, time to jet and partake of washington's version of in n out burger... zai jian penyuo's...

today i'm sore... my shoulders, my abs, my thighs... everything is sore. can't tell if it's from the surfing or the dancing, probably a combination of the two... had a fun beach day yesterday and was learning how to surf from my previous snowboard instructor philip... learned how to balance on the board and somewhat get the hang of catching a wave. the feeling of riding the waves was awesome and i can see why phil likes surfing so much... more than a couple of times though i'd find myself being tossed about in the waves... the feeling of being dragged under by the wave was scary, but then a second later my head would pop up since i'd be carried into shallower water... anywho, on my way back out to try again i was holding the board parallel to the shore (btw, which is something you shouldn't do) and then a wave comes and smacks the board into my face... it happened so quickly i didn't know how to react... i immediately began thinking that i had lost a tooth... luckily no teeth were lost and i only got a swollen and slightly bleeding lip... that cut my surfing lesson short to say the least...

back home

our program officially ended around 12 saturday afternoon... packing up the offices only took about a couple of hours since we had started packing the day before... that night we all got johns hopkins money's worth by eating at P.F.Chang's... yes i know it's bastardized chinese food, but hey it's good for what it is... it's like watching a porno you don't necessarily watch it for the dialogue, i simply serves it's purpose... hahaha... after a tearful goodbye with the office peeps i had grown to love i was back in la jolla in a bout 1.5 hours... there's something about being back in the apartment that makes me not want to sleep... it's incredibly strange... while i was in LA once the clock struck midnight i was out, but when i got back to the apartment although i was dead tired i just had to stay up... must be the paint or something, because this apartment turns everyone in it into insomniacs....

anywho, one week back home and then it's off to seattle with jane to visit sonnier! can't wait! =)

not so fast...

you'd think with all the drama the health assistants went through this summer that we would be able to coast to the end of the session without any problems... the CTY deities had other plans... lice. small, tiny, itch inducing lice. yup. a student here had lice and we spent literally the whole day up until midnight removing the little buggers. not to mention the fact we had to also check the student's hallmates. i just thank our site coordinator for not forcing us to call their parents. i could just imagine the responses... "what? there's a child there with lice??!?! only poor ppl get lice and with the tuition i'm paying there shouldn't be any of those around..." it's really sad but i think this summer really drained me.. when i first started out i was exhibiting classic Type A behaviors and was really anal about kids even missing their flintstone vitamins... come second session i don't even use the computer based system to log in my work... where did it all go?

time for an update

one week left in the program... then it's back to good ol' san diego... =) been the first time since i've worked with johns hopkins when i've actually wanted to go back home... LA definitely has been very fun nevertheless. esp. since some of the ppl i work with are pretty dope. plus, it helped having phil and mayrin come up about every 2 weeks... =)

this friday i got my car back from the body shop and now you'd never know that my roomie put a big gash in the front or that some jackass hit my right fender... friday was also the day i went to look and examine cadavers... there were 16 students on the trip with about 11 staff members going... as you tell this field trip was one of the more popular ones with the staff... for many ppl this would be their only opprotunity to look at and examine a cadaver which was the reason for such a large staff turn out... for me, ian, and leigh it was a lithmus test of whether or not our respective careers in medicine and homicide were really for us. i think we passed. many of the students were really interested and pretty much wanted to know everything... most would go for the heart first... picking it up and examining it and putting there index finger into the aorta... one of the cadavers, we had discovered, has a pace maker... you could see the wires that were used to close her breast bone after to procedure and her heart that the wire still embedded in her heart... for lots of people on the trip i think the sight of cadavers was quite shocking. after talking to a couple of staff members a lot of people were expecting to see something very different. most of them, me included, were expecting to see cadavers that were neatly cut open at the torso and one could look instead... not quite though... for the most part the bodies of the deceased were merely bodies in the general sense. since we had arrived at the school toward the end of their dissections the cadavers were pretty much very well dissected... the heads had been removed, the brains removed, and everything in general was exposed. last session when the biomed students went to see the cadavers they still hadn't dissected the legs or the head... when we had arrived everything was done... i've done a dissection with a cat before but to actually have a person to look at was quite, obviously, very different. i would like to say the trip was fun, but considering the topic is cadavers i would have to change my wording and just say that the trip was interesting. definitely learned a lot...

fun moment: leigh and i wanted to see what ovaries looked like and we went to 2 female cadavers with no luck... so on the third one we were almost positive we would find one... the instructor for the biomed class asks us what we were looking for and after telling him he calmly remarks "ummm.. i don't think you'll find ovaries on this person... it's a man" hehehe... opps... score one for animal physio majors... hahahaha

the score now: animal physiology 4, sociology:65... j/p

kinda sad, funny, and bittersweet to think that i only have 14 days left here in LA...

most of the office staff are counting down the days... there has been a lot of good and bad karma going around the office and undoubtly we're all looking for a little reprise in bad energy... my shift today wasn't as hellish as i had remembered them to be... maybe it's because my night shift was broken down by a little outting to ktown with jerry and ethel... in fact, i felt like i did no work whatsoever this weekend... kinda nice... although today marks the seond day i've waken up late for breakfast meds...aiyo...

the shortage in my time here in LA has made me realize i'm sooooo behind in my med school applications... today i sat my ass down and put in all my grades... not as bad as i was thinking it was going to be... afterwards i just looked at the screen and smiled. smiled because i finally finished putting them in and smiled because my GPA isn't as retarded as i had previously thought it to be... maybe i will apply to UCSF... hmmmm... maybe...

the plan this week is rebirth... time to get a haircut, wash my clothes, finish my personal statements, and get my car fixed... speaking of which i'm head down to OC to have a little late night dinner with the roomie and get the cash to get my car fixed... the place i'm going to is supposedly very good per terence's adivce...note to self: call manuel and haggle an even lower price... after getting the quote i ditched saturday's activites at LMU and headed to downtown LA and santa monica with ter and mikey to look for snowboard equipment... i was so close to getting one, but decided more research was needed... plus need to weigh out what i really want to buy with my summer money; new video cam, digital cam, mp3 player, snowboard equipment, new palm, or a new phone? i'm such a technohead...

break time

just got back from an awesome day off... started out with phil and mayrin arriving in LA thursday night and us making our way to ktown where we met mikey kim for some bulgogi, boba, and kareoke... while at the kareoke place, ding dang dong, we managed to find the korean song "Money"... for those of you familiar with the song you can share in the excitement and joy of us actually finding it... but perhaps even better than finding it was all four of us singing it and getting the highest score of the night... really wish i had my videocamera to record the event. it would've been Money-Part II.... =)

spent the next day having dim sum and exploring the getty museum with the kids, jane and her friend darren... the getty reminds me of those pamphlets that jehovah's witnesses pass out... they always have pictures of what the world could look like if everyone was a jehovah's witness... beautiful gardens, people of all races intermingling, wild animals roaming free... well besides the wild animals part the getty center does look like an interpertation of what heaven would be like if on earth... the places is quite beautiful... i guess the way to describe it would be modern and organic... later that night we taught ter how to play mah jong... getting quite good... he won the last game of the night... so how bout it steph? when are you going to learn? =P

back in the groove (remix)

end of the 1st full day with the students... nothing much to report... no emergencies today *crossing my fingers*... not feeling as stressed as i did back 4 weeks ago... i've learned to relax a bit thanks to the other health assistant, evan... dropping my Type A tendencies for the rest of the session... =) the first weekend with the 2 emergency room visits really made me paranoid... now i'm a bit more relaxed and willing to leave the office to rest and relax...

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY JAZZ!

unfortunately i was stuck in the health office working so i wasn't able to celebrate with her =( with all the roomies 21 now i think it's time for a weekend in Vegas... Ocean's 11 style... well, maybe without the stealing... looking forward to seeing phil and mayrin this thursday... so happy they always come up to visit. =)

LA update

friday and saturday was intercession for CTY... the time inbetween batches of new kids... didn't have much on my agenda for my free time... just wanted to get back to SD and hang out with family and friends... rented a bunch of movies with my family and stayed up late friday night... rented mostly crap... watched 13 ghosts, not another teen movie and the anime version of Meteropolis... the two previous movies blew but i'm not complaining... should try everything at least once and now i can say that i've watched those crappy movies... the anime version of Meteropolis definitely took ques from the Fritz Lang version... although i can't say either were extremely interesting... both however were well made... funny thing... i actually met someone who has seen some of the weird indie films i've watched and enjoyed...

didn't get to see any of my SD peeps while i was down... sorry friends... didn't even head back to the apartment which is what i usually do before heading home... it's was nice though to just hang out with family and finally get my car washed... =) it no longer looks like it's sick... what to do with the 2 months i have left of summer break when i get back to SD? hmmm... so many different options... i could go to seattle to visit sonnier, i could find another job and kill off the rest of my credit card debt, i could workout everyday and get a hardbody, i could buy a gamecube and veg in the apt, i could enroll in summer session, i could fly to beijing to visit steffie, i could finish my summer movie... hmmm... yes, many options =)

since i'm in LA and hardly get a chance to converse with my friends in person or over the phone you can consider this blog as my indirect way of talking to you all... =) feel like i've been on duty forever... it's true actually... i came on duty 3pm tuesday, was on duty the whole day today, and i'll be on duty till 7pm tonight...don't know if i can say that i'm enjoying my time here in LA as much as i did the last 2 summers... but i'm also not going to say it's horrible... the reason being is that i'm not as free as i was back last summer... when i leave campus there is always the fear in the back of my head that a medical emergency will pop up and i'll need to rush back to fix it... of course there's evan who is always there to deal with emergencies too, but of course when one of us is out the other needs to be on duty... i think in our case the health assistants need to be paid more...need to get back to chinatown one of these days and buy more air fresheners... i'm planning on stocking up this summer =) if you haven't seen momento go rent it tonight... it is one fucking brilliant film... just watch it and you'll understand why. bleh, my legs are tired and my breathe stinks... time to brush my teef and get some rest...

beautiful day here in LA... it's not too hot and not too cold and there's a wonderful breeze coming from the ocean... the kids are all in class and the closing of session 1 is close at hand...it's been both a long and short 4 weeks here in LA... compared to last year perhaps not as fun and carefree, but rewarding. i kinda miss being in the ER late at night and watching Dr. Morikado do stitches... the closest i get is cleaning up and bandaging cuts. one of my favorite things to do actually. hahaha... my experiment to get lost and find my way back on the web was unexpectedly cut short... the web browser i had open crashed and was shutdown... maybe i'll try again... mayhaps...

what to do over intercession? should i go home, play with phil and mayrin, visit the roomies? on the top of my list is washing my car... whenever my car is dirty i feel like it's sick... ever since david scratched it i haven't wanted to really wash my car... by the end of the summer though little red should be all fixed...

besides med school i think this coming school year needs a set goals... i work best with goals. ambiguity scares me. here's my partial list of things to do for self improvement...

To Do List
1) work out everyday
2) speak more tagalog
3) relearn chinese
4) head back to kendo
5) take more pictures

me not sleeping

i knew i shouldn't have taken that nap around 8pm... =/... now it's 3am in the morning and i have work,... good thing i don't have to come in till 3pm =) anywho, tonight i tried to get lost amongst a sea of blogs. i jumped into a blogger webring and just started reading random ppls blogs. i wanted to see if it was really possible to connect from a random spot on the internet back to a page of mine or at least a friend's. so far i've tried 2 nights in a row and for two nights in a row i've still been "lost"... for a while i just kept hitting up blogs of little teeny boppers who were just learning to drive or were more concerned with their azn pryde than anything else... eventually i stumbled upon some blogs of ppl around my age (21+)... very interesting...i think maybe i'm a little closer to finding my way home...

i remember having a conversation with a friend and one of the things he regrets was that there are so many people in this world and that he would only get to know but a few of them... just reading through these blogs of random ppl made me kind of sad. the fact that i would never get to be a part of their lives and they would never know of my existence... we would never get to share stories or have inside jokes... made me wonder what if instead of the small close knit group of friends i have now it was the bigger... much bigger... so big in fact that every asian college student knew me and considered me one of their closest friends... but then again is there such a thing as having too many friends? like, with so many ppl does your friendship become diluted? interesting proposition... in the end though i'm even more grateful to have been blessed with such awesome friends... i just consider myself very lucky to have these people in my life... and that given the millions of possible paths i could have taken i was granted the opprotunity to have these people come along for the journey... i think it's pretty amazing. g'nite =)

day off

for the past four days my life has revolved around hospitals... on my day off i was hoping to escape it for a bit...

after having lunch with the roomie and then lunch with the family minus steffie it was time to head back home home... after calling home i found out that my lolo was in the hospital, but my cousin didn't know why. i rushed over to the hospital only to be directed to 3 different departments and when i finally got there i was told i'd have to wait since they were doing a change in shifts... anywho, around 9 last night i went in to see my lolo with my mom... for most of my life this man has been with me... he's taken care of me while both my parents worked and he was my personal chauffer for a couple of years. he was also my playmate when none of my friends were availble... we used to play nintendo together and sit together on the cough watching bugs bunny on rainy afternoons... i'm convinced i got some of my sense of humor from him, for a grandpa he has one silly sense of humor... now, i've seen my lolo in the hospital before, but usually he's well enough to speak... after his dialysis treatment apparently he had a seizure and before i got there he was moved from one of the nursing floors to the ICU... he's being monitered 24 hours a day. before i walked in my mom told me that he's been confused and that he may not recognize me. my mom in tagalog asked if he knew who i was... no response... she told me to talk to him but honestly i couldn't get the words out... all i could do was stare and cry... i cried by his bedside till it was time to go.. every once in a while he would start singing one of his made up songs and we would laugh a bit... i looked into his eyes hoping he would recognize me and say "hello my apo the doctor..." nothing.

real life trauma

it's been about 2 weeks since i've arrived in LA and a week since the kids have arrived and pretty much both me and the other health assitant evan have been working in 24 hour shifts to cover all the medical needs of the students... for the most part i would say this job is as rewarding as it is demanding. today was the first real emergency case we've encountered and to say i felt unprepared would be an understatement. honestly, i felt useless... luckily, evan was called in to to help take control of the situation... to just stand there helpless while a life hangs in the balance is a terrifying feeling... in the end there was really nothing me and evan could do but be support for the paramedics that arrived, but it was at that point i felt like i could've done more or at least made my pressence felt. to a lot of the staff members we are already viewed as doctors. in fact, a handful like to call me and evan just that... "good morning doctors!" "how are the doctors doing today?" =/ don't know if i feel comfortable being addressed like that... the title alone assumes i know a great deal about medicine which isn't the case... today though, i did what i could and i assured the parents of the student that he was in good hands and that we were doing all in our power to make sure he was fine. extremely frustrating to know that i didn't really handle the situation the way i would have liked to...

anywho, today we celebrate ethel's 23rd birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ETHEL!!! jerry came up and they both cooked a little something for dinner... she even found some food for our vegan friend who hardly gets enough to eat in the cafeteria... can't wait for my day off... going back to san diego to deal with some business and replenish my spending money... =)

decision time

i'm awaiting the arrival of my mcat scores... yup people these 3 little numbers will decide for me what the game plan is... do i go for another round of mcat madness? or do send out my applications with a smile? hmmm... tough decisions... thinking more and more about my back up plans for grad school... although i really think my parents are eagerly awaiting for me to get into and out of med school so they can quit working.. which translates into grad school is okay, but med school is better... and then of course there are the people who are not only looking forward to the day they can call me Dr. Saldivar, but are expecting it, not that i'm not looking forward to it myself...... expectations i think are one of the hardest things in life to face up to when you can't meet them... right now seriously feeling like i may come up short this time around... =/
right now i really don't know what i should be doing.. i've spent nearly four years of my life perparing for this day of reckoning and yet as i draw closer to point where i sign my name on the little dotted line i can't seem to lift my pen... i've never really looked beyond what i could do besides becoming a doctor... i rememebr when my pre-med advisor asked me if i thought of doing anything else besides going into medicine and i told him flat out no... but now it's scary to think that maybe i wasn't cut out for this.. yes, now i'm second guessing myself...

arriving

after a wonderful last supper with phil, stef, and mayrin i was off to LA with ethel to work for johns hopkins center for talented youth... for the past 4 days now it's been non-stop work trying to get the program up and running... literally went through over 400 student health records by hand and just tried to reorganize everything according to who had turned in everything, who were missing things, who had imcompletes, etc, etc, etc... this year feels a bit different from my last two CTY experiences.... i'm actually on the administrators team and making decisions for the program... becoming a health assistant i didn't really know what i was getting myself into, luckily i have evan, the other health assistant, to show me the way... honestly, if it was just me i'd be totally lost...

yesterday stef and phil came up to chill with me after work... it was nice just to have them visit and sleep in the same room with me... something just very comforting about having your friends close by... although stef took the extra bed phil decided he wanted to stay in the room as well and took all the couch cushions in the living room to make himself a makeshift bed... it was just so typically philip... down to sleeping with his Philip's jacket as a blanket... hahaha... that's probably one of the best things about my friendship with the family, simply hanging out or even spending the night at each other's place is enough... don't even need to have an agenda... as long as we're together it's all good...

why does it have to end?

it finally hit me... this weekend is going to be the last i spend with my "family" before we head off onto our separate paths... feeling really numb and sad... going to miss phil calling me and asking me what i'm doing, going to miss mayrin craziness and love of boba, going to miss steph and our wonderful late night conversations (on-line and live) about the direction of our lives... going to miss so many things i can't even begin to write them all down... it's hard to describe the impact these ppl have had on my lives... but they definitely have been a major part of my life the past two years... in fact, my wall is covered with their pictures and my blogs are full of our wacky adventures together... anywho, if i write anymore imma gonna cry...

CONGRATS CLASS OF 2002!!!!

it happens almost like clockwork... finals week hits and i'm just a big ball of emotions... i've been running from extreme happiness to just shoot me in the head depression... like a lot of ppl this time of the school year seems to bring out the Freud in us... instead of studying we all like to psychoanalyze our thoughts and our plans for the future... *sigh* med school shit is just bogging me down... don't want to even look at the applications... where the fizuck did it go? can someone tell me please? last night in the ER before i head off to LA... which reminds me... i really should tell the volunteering office i'm leaving...

last day of classes

just now ending my day at 4:20am... today was my last day of lectures... both of which I was glad i had attended... i finally got the nerve to talk to my biochem professor and tell him what an awesome professor i thought he was... i really wish i had told him sooner though... i'd like to get a letter of rec, but i feel if i do that my compliments were just to butter him up... =/... no biggie always more professors i could ask... but yeah, Professor Saier is one awesome guy.. not only in terms of a professor, but as a person... i hope someday to be like him when i'm older... seriously, if you need to take an upper divison bio course take one of Saier's courses... you won't regret it!...

besides class, today was APSA bonfire...we started construction on Phildonia but i had to leave during the middle of it to get to class... i didn't get to see it completed =( last Phildonia of the school year... spent the right of the day and part of my morning playing worms with terrence, phil, and stef... the premise of the game is simple... blow up your opponents... easier said than done when you're taking turns and trying to form alliances... i'm beat, finals is upon so, and my new friends episode is done downloading... time to call it a night... gn...

where'd the lights go?

we had a blackout yesterday while me and jas were watching harry potter and adam was studying... at first it was pretty scary becuase the whole block had gone out and the entire building was buzzing with the sounds of alarms. in fact, we heard a strange buzzing coming from my room and some light... my computer was still on... i guess the battery in the surge protector works... anywho, we lit some candles and the three of us decided to play a nice game of mah jong.. it was definitely a moment to remeber... the three of us played mah jong by candle light while we asked each other random questions... we were later joined by bobo head, the baby, and the wifey... i kinda wished the lights hadn't come back on so we could've played monoply in the dark... =/ such great times... i'm thinking about how much i feel i'm going to miss by working in LA for the summer... argh... so many things to tie up before i leave... i need to get 3 letters of rec, fill out med school apps, get my transcripts, and pack for LA all in the time span of a week... oh yeah, i also have stupid finals to worry about before that too...

well, it really hasn't hit me that graduation is upon us... in one short week our lives will be shifting... mine, mayrin, phil, and stef's... we each have our own individual plans and where we all end up is up to ourselves... it's funny... a year ago from today we were talking about how when we graduated we would take one big "family" vacation to asia... we'd hop on a plane to the philippines, thailand, hong kong, and shanghai... but as we all know no one can foresee the future... i really wish we had put together a time capsule or something... i can already tell i'm going to be bawling come graduation day... you know how as a kid you never expect things to change? but growing up the changes always seem so subtle that you hardly notice? maybe it's because growing up our lives were defined by school... go to school for the year... summer comes.. and then you start all over again in a new grade... maybe with the same friends you had from last year or maybe you'll meet some new ones this year... this time around though for steph and phil, (mayrin has two more years and i have 6 more) there will no longer be anymore summers to define their lives.. instead they enter the "real world"... no longer the certainity of picking classes as phil mentioned or even the sercurity of knowing that if you do bad you can always drop a class... hmmm... scary thought, no? to the class of 2002 good luck and god speed... to my family, dad's very proud of all of you! =)

The End of An Era

well, the La Cima Crew; me, david, jas, (with steph in new zealand), have finally cut our ties with our former apartment... it took us the whole weekend to move out of our apartment... we're all tired, dirty, and sore from it.. definitely made a good time of it and got to do a bunch of roomie bonding this weekend... our new place is much bigger than the last place and we've added a new roomie, jeff, who will be joining us at the end of the week... feels very strange to be sleeping in my same bed, but in a different room... still hasn't hit me that this will be our home for the next year... sounds just like me a year ago when i was writing about moving out of my home... we had great memories in that apartment and some not so great ones, but in all it was quite an adventure...

kudos to:
*roomies*extended roomies*the family*triple K thursdays*roomie bonding day*painting night*family game night*spoiled bread*illegally parked cars*stupid switches*loud upstairs kids*getting towed*oddly shaped rooms*thanksgiving dinner*birthdays*iron chef*bobo*jazzmatazz*friends night*the broken everything*MCATs*Sim City*

midterms

well, my second wave of midterms has finally subsided... the last one i just took i think was more stressful than taking the real mcat... feeling that tightness in my chest when i feel things are quite settled... argh... anywho, quarter is fast approaching it's climax... now i actually have some time to play... wonder what phil and mayrin are doing?

car problems

last night some butthead thought i wasn't going to come home and so he decided to park in my space... it wouldn't have minded so much considering the parking space right next to me is always free, but he didn't even leave me space there either... he just decided it would be fine to take up both parking spaces... anywho, to teach that guy a lesson i called the leasing office to get him towed... apparently the leasing office didn't think this was an emergency at 1am in the morning... feeling a bit frustrated because parking is a bitch already i decided to take matters into my own hands... i called up a towing company to have the bastard towed myself... while i was down in the garage letting the tow truck in i met my neighbors (the ones with the little pug) it seems that another inconsiderate bastard had also taken their space... well, pretty soon it was a towing party up in there...hahaha... i was considering whether or not i should call the leasing office and tell them which towing company i had used so the guy could get his car... in the end the good me won out over the vengeful redge... seriously though, felt so nice to see that car getting towed out of my space and in fact towed out of la jolla... but if i was really mean i would've called a towing company from national city or something or at least keyed it before the towing guy came... muahahahahaha...

in other car related news my poor mommy totalled her car... i didn't get the full details but my mom drove into a gigantic pothole and ended up destroying her engine... ended up bending her axle and breaking a piston in the engine... not a good thing... i could tell my mom was pretty upset just because when my dad was telling me she was just quiet... poor mom... =/ good news, my parents will get to buy a new car... bad news, with what money? hmmm... now here's the major problem... should i act like the accident didn't exist and keep on with the med school applications which will be quite expensive... or do i bring the burden onto myself and postpone applying to med school for the sake of family money? i've already put quite a strain on the family resources by living away from home and with med school applications plus new car payments it doesn't look good for my family... in fact, i feel as if i'm making my parents sick with money woes... aiya... maybe it was a bad idea to go home today...

crunch time

just finished updating my list of things to do... it's like i'm back studying for the mcat again... this time next week i'll be a much relaxed person...

BEING TWENTY SOMETHING......

here's something my good friend tina has sent me... it really does express what a lot of my friends are going through right now...



They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis."

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job...and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused.

Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap.

Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You do it though,and the next day regret it, stating over and over..."this is my last time."You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself...and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. Send this to your twenty-something friends...maybe it will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion.........

The Joy Luck Club


me and my cousins (for the most part), we're all 1st generation asian-americans... all of our parents grew up in the philippines and came to the united states with the dream of wonderful futures for their children... my cousins all range from new borns to college grads (which i will soon be a part of). in san diego, i'm the oldest cousin which means i don't really have to deal with the typical parental comparisons of one cousin versus another. in fact, being the oldest and a pre-med student i have it good.

anywho, my family however, does go beyond san diego and i do have a couple of cousins; one namely in new york, and two back in the phillipines who are just about the same age as i am. today my mom insisted i take the time out to visit with my grandparents who are visiting the united states from the philippines. they have a pretty busy itinerary, they just came from new york to visit their son (my uncle), stopping here in san diego to visit with their daughter (my auntie), and then off to san francisco i believe to see her sister. so here's the conversation between me and my granparents

lola: ay, randy! anak! soon to be doctor!
me: reggie
lolo: that's right, reggie!... so, have you decided what speciality you'll be practicing
me: not yet. i need to gain more experience before i make a decision.
lola: yes of course. maybe you can go into research? make more money there!
me: well, still applying to schools
lolo: so when are you graduating?
me: in december
lolo: you know, your cousin miko (michael) is graduating this year with a degree in electrical engineering!
me: that's nice.
lolo: when will you be done with medical school
me: it'll take about 5 years
lolo: so long! won't be too bad, you're still young


the conversation continues with what i'm studying, how my other cousins are graduating with their degrees and how my little cousins are all at the top of their class... this is all new territory for me people... seriously, i've never experienced this whole realm of cousin comparing before, only have heard about it from friends and seen it in the Joy Luck Club. it was weird and strange... of course the question of how my girlfriend was doing came up. and all i could manage was a sheepish smile pretending i didn't hear them. at one point of the conversation my lolo managed to point out that i was getting so skinny and not growing at all. at which point, lolo #2 (my mom's dad) chimed in that i have been growing and that i work out at my apt's gym. kinda felt weird having my grandpa defend me like that, but he's always been overprotective of me. (sidenote: once as a baby i was placed together with my cousin who was about the same age. i had a toy in my hand and my cousin took it from me. later, my lolo snatched the toy out of my cousin's hand to give back to me...hehehe) anywho, after sitting with them i felt almost like Waverly Wong, being compared and still not feeling adequate enough. if there wasn't enough pressure from myself to become a doctor now i have extended family all over the world waiting for Dr. Saldivar. the silver lining? i have an even greater appreciation for family, cuz it's only out of love they do this.

anywho, interesting workshops at APSA retreat. we discovered today that the roomies (me, david, jas, and jeff) all share something in common. so this goes out to the roomies I LOVE YOU! =)

application time...


well, i finally sat myself down and started to work on my application for med school... apparently they don't trust students to fill in their GPAs and so you have to send them in to them... but then again med students are all cut throat... yup while everyone else at UCSD is partying it up at Sun God i'm in my apartment hammering this thing out... you want to know the funniest thing? i was talking to my mom today and she even knew about Sun God Festival...

mom : anak, i was talking to somebody and they told me you don't have school today.
me: huh? what are you talking about? (i thought my mom had found out i ditched my physiology class so i could study for my midterm.
mom: someone told me there's no class at UCSD and instead there's a big festival
me: oh you mean Sun God Festival
mom: *apparently laughing at the silly name* yeah.. that festival
me: it's just a concert
mom: are you going to go?
me: prolly not. probably going to stay in the apartment and study =) (i'm such the good son!!)

the inevitable...

the only certainty in life is uncertainty... the quarter is rushing toward it's end... ppl have already started looking forward to next fall quarter and yet others are getting ready to leave the life of college behind them... exciting and scary all at once... i, on the other hand, have decided to postpone the inevitable for another year... right now i'm just working on getting my med school stuff done... i'm looking to actually start asking professor's for letter's of rec this week... i'm so scared. never really asked a professor for a letter of rec... although i'm sure they get it all the time, i really want my letters of rec to mean something... not to be just full of fluff, but actually have some substance those addmission committee heads to sit back and say "hey, that reggie saldivar kid looks like he would make a great doctor..."

besides this constant struggle i have with med school my life in general has taken a stand still... my times with phil, mayrin, and steph have become sadly close to non-existent... and my poor roomie is beyond stressed which makes me stressed thinking and worrying about him. hang in there bobo... you'll be fine =) maybe it's because it's the end of the year and i know that we'll be heading our own separate ways, but i feel incredibly antisocial... graduation is less than a month away... the series finale of the "Fun Crew" is hitting the air waves this june... keep tuned for the tear jerking ending...

after reading my friend's, sirinya, blog i'm reminding once again another fun filled CTY summer is on it's way. extremely excited and a bit sad that none of the old doheny crew will be there with me. this year though, i'll be taking some of my UCSD peeps to work with me so i won't be as lonely... anywho, reading sirinya's blog i was again reminded of the wonderful "A Factor" developed by myself, ted, and sam... here's a reblogging of the that old entry.

*while dining in LA me and a couple of friends came upon the secret factor in all asian restaraunts which determines the level of service you receive... we're still working on the full blown theory of the Asian Factor... it theory it works like this... the more asians you have in your group the better the service you'll receive in an asian restaraunt... you don't necessarialy need to be of that asian heritage to get good service... for all they know you could just be american born and never learned how to speak korean, japanese, chinese, tagalog, etc... the factor can also be affected positively if you can speak that particular language, conversely you can lower your A Factor by asking for a fork or doing other cultural no-no's... how to figure out your A Factor? just divide the total number in your dining party by the number of asians in your group... the closer your number is to 1 the better your chances are of getting great service... but there are always exceptions to the A Factor like if you go to a shitty place with shitty service your A Factor maybe unable to compensate for it although decreasing it may make your meal even worse.. (ie. Hodori in Koreatown...) like i said before this theory is still in the testing stages...

keep thinking that i took the mcat yesterday... didn't realize that my scores will be coming in the mail in about a month... yikes! that means i should get started on all my application stuff now... ie. letter of intent, letters of rec, get my transcripts sent out, actually pick the 10 schools i'll be sending out my application to. so far i have earmarked 13 schools... this week i'll be doing my research and talking to my admissions advisor to see which schools would be best for me...

anywho, right now i'm really scared about this whole application process... what if i don't even get one single interview? scary to think about... worked so hard and poured so much of my parent's money into this endeavor... just thinking about it gives me high blood pressure... serious, as i type this i can feel the tightness in my chest... sucks... everything around me is just liable to piss the fuck out of me... anywho, the plan is to get to bed before 2 tonight and wake up early to get started...

that ever present and inane question

"Why do you want to be a doctor?"

such a simple qusetion with so many answers that can be counteracted with responses to reasons why i shouldn't be a doctor. ever since my sunday volunteering stint i've been agonizing over my answer to this question. why the hell do i want to be a doctor? i can go the very popular altruism route and say it's "because i like and want to help ppl..." but i can help people by becoming a policeman, a lawyer, a dentist, or even become a nurse. which in fact, bring me to my next response. "because i like working with ppl..." nurses in fact, run the hospital. they do the majority of the work that goes on in the hospital. it's nurses that helped my dad after his heartattack. i'm sure his cardiologist spent at most 3 hours with him during his one week stay in the hospital. while his nurses monitered him 24 hours a day... but does that mean i want to be a nurse. not really. =/... is it "because i want to be make tons of money..." honestly, to say i want to become a doctor out of the kindness of my heart would be a lie. let's be frank, the world revolves around money and although money can't buy happiness it sure can facilitate it... but, get this, if i was really all about making bank then it would probably be better if i just started working now as a plumber than as a doctor because in reality... it is going to be a while before i even start to make anything as a doctor... first, i have school for about 4-6 more years which means i'll be poor for 4-6 more years. also that doesn't include any debt i will undoubtedly aquire. besides, once i do start working who says i'll have any time to enjoy any material wealth? as a resident i'll probably be working in excess of 100 hours a week. i'll be too tired to even watch anything on my high definition big screen.

so many answers to this deceivingly simply question. like i said, ever since volunteering this weekend i've been just thinking about the reasons i want to become a doctor. not to say being a doctor isn't rewarding in itself. the graditude from one patient is enough to last for weeks, but yet there's that stark reality that saving lives is exception and not the rule. not saying that doctors kill ppl (which they do by accident), but life in the ER is extremely different from the world you see on NBC's ER. for the most part, it's stitches and stomach aches.

for now the only thing i can concretely come to a conclusion about why i want to become a doctor is that i can't... anywho, i have about a month to figure out the answer before it's committed to pen and ink.

not quite a dog

say hello to Puppy.. me and david have adopted yet another pet to our apartment.... hopefully we don't accidently crush him during our move to the new apartment.

Where is my Mind?

You're smart, shy, and often nonsensical. You have dreams of being famous, and you're quirky enough that you just might pull them off. Some would call you a genius, others would call you insane, but in reality you're pretty well-adjusted. Take a vacation once in a while- it'll help take your mind off of your troubles.

Which Pixies song are you?

quite believably... for those who know me this description fits me quite well...

gained a better appreciation for my friends and family after tonight... i love you all and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it!

new look


seems like i change my template as often as i change my cell phone... hahahaha... anywho, after a bit of frustration... the archives are back up...

this is why i go through it...

as much as i bitch and moan about how hard it is to study and prepare for med school i always tell myself that in the end it'll all be worth it... today i got a glimpse of what it is i'm working toward... it's hard to define the i feeling i got today while volunteering in the ER... at this point volunteering has become less of a duty and more of something i look forward to... i really think it's because i'm working so late and not many volunteers have ventured beyond what i've done so i get a lot of attention... the staff i work with is awesome... esp. the ER doctor on call... Dr. Morikado is the exactly the type of doctor i like'd to become... caring, compassionate, smart, sense of humor, and is always supportive of her staff and volunteers...

the moment i walked into the ER it was literally just buzzing with activity... haven't seen that much activity in a while... 3 trauma cases... it was awesome... just like ER on tv... =) but the best part of the night was when it started to slow down... this is when i'm given a chance to just walk around the ER and observe and learn... tonight i learned how to do a 12 lead EKG and Dr. Morikado taught me how to do stitches... she even let me practice! no, not on a patient... but on a folded piece of gauze... nevertheless it was enough to whet my appetite for the field of medicine... it was really cool learning how to do the stitches... in a sense it was like kindergarten and learning how to color... when i was done i told the doctor i was going to put my very first stitches on the fridge for my roomies to see and admire... =) or maybe i'll save it and give it to my parents... hahaha... either way I'm extremely proud of the fact that my pressence in the ER is taking shape... anywho, here's what my very first stitches look it...

Here's my top 5 choices for med school...

1) University of Southern California
1.5) University of California San Francisco... (drool... not even going to apply to this one... too competetive...)
2) University of Washington
3) New York University
4) Columbia University
5) University of California San Diego

As you can see I'm leaning toward the west coast if possible... but if i do have to leave i'd rather be in new york where at least ppl seem to be a bit cultured and worldly... don't know how i'd survive living in the urban jungle though... so much of my life is in southern california... well, a bit premature to even make plans yet... still need to send out my applications... ahh yes, my med school stress level is on the rise again... =)

big comfy couch + asian snacks + tv = total contentment...

do you remember when you were a little kid and would tag along with your parents when they went grocery shopping? and you'd ask if you could get a little something... like candy, chips, or any other asian snack? i wonder at what point we grow out of wanting to buy all that junk food... today i went grocery shopping and although i'm pretty good at getting what i need i still find myself spending 10 mins in the snack aisle deciding what i want... then when i go to check out i always have to buy a box of rice candy... does anyone remember when botan rice candy used to come with a toy and not a lame sticker? after i worked out i just plopped on the couch turned on the tv, opened with the box of candy and bag of shrimp chips and found myself quite content with life... someone should capture that moment and sell it in a bottle...

HAPPY 22nd BIRTHDAY MAYRIN!!!!

my kids are growing up so fast... in less than 5 weeks they'll have graduated... someone please press the pause button so i can spend more time with my family...
almost forgot... HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY RANDY!!!... so strange my little bro is now 17... thought he'd be 10 years old forever... now he's all semi-grown with friends of his own and a more exciting social life than mine =P... hahahaha...